DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Right decision or????

There are days that I wonder if moving to Alberta was worth it... Financially, career wise it has been outstanding... Family and friends not so much. I gave never felt so alone, and truthfully I am. In the almost 2 years I have had one friend visit a few times that is it. My family nope, my friends nope. Makes one wonder... No actually I don't wonder I know... It makes one lonely. I finally meet some one thru work that I get along with and I can see hanging out with her and maybe another girl since I am no longer her boss and her son is about 5 months older then our baby.

But it is nights like tonight when my husband is out of town and I sit by myself night after night. Weekend after weekend. If I was back in BC I would have options here I have none :-( some days I am so lost ... I was struggling to hang out with my friends in BC but at least I had options.

 Some thoughts to help me through another lonely weekend... 

I know it will get better... Patients I need to have. 

Sunday, July 13, 2014

20 weeks

Pregnancy the third time around has been a struggle... Up until this week I have been sick and very tired. My back hurts are simply said pregnancy and I don't match.

I am so afraid to be excited that 20 weeks in I have shopped for nothing (not that I need to) ... I have had no interest in anything baby related other then purchasing a few things for my sister ( my youngest sister is due with her first daughter this month).

We had an ultrasound at 12 weeks and all the testing came out good, tomorrow I will attend the 20 week ultrasound... Without M as he is in the field so instead I go with Cat and send him all the pictures tomorrow night. It is days like this that I am sooo very alone this pregnancy and fearful everyday. There is no friend to come to the appointments just me and Cat which terrifies me too... Incase something goes sideways because it DOES... Feb 20th 2012 is a day I still relive. 

Every day I have to remind myself to be strong when in actuality I am so afraid.