DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Sunday, March 9, 2014


I am not sure that anyone even reads these posts... But the relief that I get from writing is why I still do it....

Disclaimer: faith is a very hot topic I mean no disrespect these are my feelings... 

The background: my husband was brought up in a Roman Catholic Church. I was baptized under the united church but was not raised in a faith. When M and I got married we decided our children would be exposed to faith but we would not chose one for them. 

Last year we moved to a new city and lived in a VERY multicultural area ( we where the minority) so when researching the schools..  We chose to put her in the catholic school it was the best place for her. Since attending catholic school she has really bloomed. She has a better grasp of where her sister is and she is beginning to accept that her sister is a blessing. 

In the past few years I have struggled with my beliefs. I have spent time with some great friends who are Christian, and have enjoyed their church and had some enlightening discussions. I find the catholic faith too strict, and a little extreme which is the opposite of mr. Today while sitting in church I had this feeling that I need to focus more of my time on learning about God, about a church that I can belong to... For months I have felt alone and in need of really connecting for the past few years I think I have been avoiding relationships out of fear... Fear had me stuck in my house 2 years ago and I won. I will win again. 

What did not expect today was the sadness that hit me while we watched babies be baptized... Heartache... Some actually most have no idea how much my heart hurts each day for my baby girl. I truly wish time did heal the heartache but it does not it just decreases from unmanageable to manageable.  

Sunday, March 2, 2014


So proud of my little big girl. She chose to be baptized and today was the day. She was the only "older" child as we could not make any other day work. The amazing piece about Cat is she truly has the heart of gold she loved watching the parents baptize their infant children. Here are some photos we took after.