DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Monday, February 24, 2014

Memories and moving forward.

I remember two years ago reading blogs crying over my loss, another families loss of child.
I remember wishing I would wake up and this would be over.
I remember hearing my oldest daughter crying and being powerless to stop it.
I remember feeling anger towards my sister as she welcomed her son into the world.
I remember feeling blown away by kindness, donations made to the Children's hospital, meals oh the meals dropped off for us.
I remember feeling overwhelmed by the number of people who came to be with at Emelina's Tea.
I remember feeling betrayed by my body and desperate to stop my breasts from leaking.
I remember it all like it was yesterday.

In someways it feels like it has been longer then two years since we started this never ending journey... In other ways, I am shocked that so much as happened... 2 moves (one provincial), 3 different jobs for my husband, and 3 different schools for Cat. So much change so fast, it is overwhelming when you think about it.

I always say I wish that even my worst enemy would not have to face the death of a child. But wishing it never happened... I wouldn't do that either. I have established stronger friendships. I have over come challenges, I have also learnt who was my friend when I needed help pulling myself out of the dark.  I have learnt so much about me. I have learnt that NOTHING is as bad or as lonely as mourning the passing of a infant child.

This year, my youngest sister is welcoming her first child, Cat begins her last year in single digits, my position is changing ( not near as soon as I was told... But it will), and  I will attempt  drive forward not coast through life. We will finally decide on whether we try for a third child ( I never expected to write or say those words...), time is a concern as I turned 33 in December. 

Nothing is simple or easy when it comes to grief but it does show us how strong we can be.


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