DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Monday, February 24, 2014

Memories and moving forward.

I remember two years ago reading blogs crying over my loss, another families loss of child.
I remember wishing I would wake up and this would be over.
I remember hearing my oldest daughter crying and being powerless to stop it.
I remember feeling anger towards my sister as she welcomed her son into the world.
I remember feeling blown away by kindness, donations made to the Children's hospital, meals oh the meals dropped off for us.
I remember feeling overwhelmed by the number of people who came to be with at Emelina's Tea.
I remember feeling betrayed by my body and desperate to stop my breasts from leaking.
I remember it all like it was yesterday.

In someways it feels like it has been longer then two years since we started this never ending journey... In other ways, I am shocked that so much as happened... 2 moves (one provincial), 3 different jobs for my husband, and 3 different schools for Cat. So much change so fast, it is overwhelming when you think about it.

I always say I wish that even my worst enemy would not have to face the death of a child. But wishing it never happened... I wouldn't do that either. I have established stronger friendships. I have over come challenges, I have also learnt who was my friend when I needed help pulling myself out of the dark.  I have learnt so much about me. I have learnt that NOTHING is as bad or as lonely as mourning the passing of a infant child.

This year, my youngest sister is welcoming her first child, Cat begins her last year in single digits, my position is changing ( not near as soon as I was told... But it will), and  I will attempt  drive forward not coast through life. We will finally decide on whether we try for a third child ( I never expected to write or say those words...), time is a concern as I turned 33 in December. 

Nothing is simple or easy when it comes to grief but it does show us how strong we can be.


Friday, February 21, 2014

Happy 2nd Birthday, Emelina!

This was my Facebook status today. I think it says it best....

Then today, Cat and I prepared 10 birthday kits. These kits are put together by Cat and I, she picks out the themes which this year included... Spider-Man, angry birds, strawberry short cake... I use the funds we normally would have spent on Emelina's birthday towards the purchases. Her memory was also honoured by our family and friends as will with random acts of kindness occurring all over Canada.

 All the kits at the food bank. Sporting her Canada sweatshirt proud of our athletes.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

I hate...

The question is Cat your only child... When Emelina first passed away I would say yes... Now I say no her sister passed away 2 years ago. I hate the look of pitty but I have been told I need to open up more and funny enough by doing it and admitting I am changing roles for my daughter it feels earn more respect. It took 2 years to finally be able to say out loud that I have two children but I am finally ready.

With my sister pregnant with her first though I am struggling to be happy for her... Here I move into the hardest week of my year and she is celebrating as is my family while I sit alone wondering why ... 

Some days I know why...

... Because I am strong enough even when I want to quit
... Because I have friends and family who are by my side through it
... Because it made me change not only my place to live but ultimately my career
... Because I have taught as much as I have leant
... Because every thing happens for a reason 

And because I would not be ME without Emelina in my life.

Next week we celebrate her... No fan fare, just Cat and donating birthday kits like last year and doing random acts of kindness. I feel bad but I honestly have no desire to drive to Edmonton and more importantly M is working... We live each day with Emelina in our hearts that is all that matters.

<3 In our hearts forever, Emelina Danyelle, February 21, 2012 <3


And here I thought I just liked to take the hard road...lol... We all have those people in your career/life that make you work harder then you have ever worked... Who challenge you not only to do your best but to do even better...who may have Kleenex in their office just incase... Who have challenged you on an emotional level that no one else has... Who has your best interests in mind... Who makes you laugh, and reminds you that laughing at ones self is the most important trait any of us have... That remind you trying and struggling is not the same as failing...That person is not just your boss, or a leader but a mentor that you came to you at a time that you needed something to change. I have my passion for my work back, my life back and most importantly that "spark" that was lost. #lifechanging #quote

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Not sure...

I swear I blog more in my head then I actually find time to do it. 

This past 6 weeks have been full, a trip to BC to spend sometime with family and friend... Two weeks of mind blowing stress... Work, Cat, house. This mama was closer to the finish line then ever before... What saved me... 

* My husband returning from his stint out of town 2 days sooner then we thoughts

* our inspection with our landlord being super easy ( I spent way too many hours cleaning, stressing and freaking) for nothing as usual. 

* Cat refocusing me on what is important

* disagreeing with my boss... Honest to goodness he purposefully pokes at me to get a reaction... And then makes me laugh at my craziness 

This sums up our relationship perfectly...

* Cat... She has been teaching me to take a step back and stop being so driven at the expense of my family. The best thing I did was decide to change roles...even though I am scared to death. Which is funny because I am the only one. I told one of my team members today and they just looked at me... I maybe the number one manager of client service reps bug that is me teaching someone... Doing I am not so sure.