DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Right decision or????

There are days that I wonder if moving to Alberta was worth it... Financially, career wise it has been outstanding... Family and friends not so much. I gave never felt so alone, and truthfully I am. In the almost 2 years I have had one friend visit a few times that is it. My family nope, my friends nope. Makes one wonder... No actually I don't wonder I know... It makes one lonely. I finally meet some one thru work that I get along with and I can see hanging out with her and maybe another girl since I am no longer her boss and her son is about 5 months older then our baby.

But it is nights like tonight when my husband is out of town and I sit by myself night after night. Weekend after weekend. If I was back in BC I would have options here I have none :-( some days I am so lost ... I was struggling to hang out with my friends in BC but at least I had options.

 Some thoughts to help me through another lonely weekend... 

I know it will get better... Patients I need to have. 

Sunday, July 13, 2014

20 weeks

Pregnancy the third time around has been a struggle... Up until this week I have been sick and very tired. My back hurts are simply said pregnancy and I don't match.

I am so afraid to be excited that 20 weeks in I have shopped for nothing (not that I need to) ... I have had no interest in anything baby related other then purchasing a few things for my sister ( my youngest sister is due with her first daughter this month).

We had an ultrasound at 12 weeks and all the testing came out good, tomorrow I will attend the 20 week ultrasound... Without M as he is in the field so instead I go with Cat and send him all the pictures tomorrow night. It is days like this that I am sooo very alone this pregnancy and fearful everyday. There is no friend to come to the appointments just me and Cat which terrifies me too... Incase something goes sideways because it DOES... Feb 20th 2012 is a day I still relive. 

Every day I have to remind myself to be strong when in actuality I am so afraid. 

Monday, May 19, 2014

***sensitive posting***

Baby #3

In April we announced to our family and friends that I am pregnant with baby #3.  I have been so sick that when the doctor offered meds at my 8 week check in I took them and they have been a saving grace as up to that point I was barely functioning... I question our sanity of this pregnacy with M being gone so much ...  This means that Cat has been doing more and eating a whole lot more prepared meals... Hopefully unlike my pregnacy with Emelina the sickness will be over in the Next few weeks. 

I am trying really hard not to complain and be thankful but even with the meds I struggle to cook and eat. Back pain is an every day issue and I started to show at 5 weeks which means I am firmly into maternity clothes.  

It is hard to be excited when I am constantly sick, in pain and fighting fear...fear that this baby won't come home,this time around I am considered high risk and my doctor will make the referral this week not sure how this will work. I know we purposefully try not to think past the next few months because that really gets my fear going... 

Sunday, March 9, 2014


I am not sure that anyone even reads these posts... But the relief that I get from writing is why I still do it....

Disclaimer: faith is a very hot topic I mean no disrespect these are my feelings... 

The background: my husband was brought up in a Roman Catholic Church. I was baptized under the united church but was not raised in a faith. When M and I got married we decided our children would be exposed to faith but we would not chose one for them. 

Last year we moved to a new city and lived in a VERY multicultural area ( we where the minority) so when researching the schools..  We chose to put her in the catholic school it was the best place for her. Since attending catholic school she has really bloomed. She has a better grasp of where her sister is and she is beginning to accept that her sister is a blessing. 

In the past few years I have struggled with my beliefs. I have spent time with some great friends who are Christian, and have enjoyed their church and had some enlightening discussions. I find the catholic faith too strict, and a little extreme which is the opposite of mr. Today while sitting in church I had this feeling that I need to focus more of my time on learning about God, about a church that I can belong to... For months I have felt alone and in need of really connecting for the past few years I think I have been avoiding relationships out of fear... Fear had me stuck in my house 2 years ago and I won. I will win again. 

What did not expect today was the sadness that hit me while we watched babies be baptized... Heartache... Some actually most have no idea how much my heart hurts each day for my baby girl. I truly wish time did heal the heartache but it does not it just decreases from unmanageable to manageable.  

Sunday, March 2, 2014


So proud of my little big girl. She chose to be baptized and today was the day. She was the only "older" child as we could not make any other day work. The amazing piece about Cat is she truly has the heart of gold she loved watching the parents baptize their infant children. Here are some photos we took after. 


Monday, February 24, 2014

Memories and moving forward.

I remember two years ago reading blogs crying over my loss, another families loss of child.
I remember wishing I would wake up and this would be over.
I remember hearing my oldest daughter crying and being powerless to stop it.
I remember feeling anger towards my sister as she welcomed her son into the world.
I remember feeling blown away by kindness, donations made to the Children's hospital, meals oh the meals dropped off for us.
I remember feeling overwhelmed by the number of people who came to be with at Emelina's Tea.
I remember feeling betrayed by my body and desperate to stop my breasts from leaking.
I remember it all like it was yesterday.

In someways it feels like it has been longer then two years since we started this never ending journey... In other ways, I am shocked that so much as happened... 2 moves (one provincial), 3 different jobs for my husband, and 3 different schools for Cat. So much change so fast, it is overwhelming when you think about it.

I always say I wish that even my worst enemy would not have to face the death of a child. But wishing it never happened... I wouldn't do that either. I have established stronger friendships. I have over come challenges, I have also learnt who was my friend when I needed help pulling myself out of the dark.  I have learnt so much about me. I have learnt that NOTHING is as bad or as lonely as mourning the passing of a infant child.

This year, my youngest sister is welcoming her first child, Cat begins her last year in single digits, my position is changing ( not near as soon as I was told... But it will), and  I will attempt  drive forward not coast through life. We will finally decide on whether we try for a third child ( I never expected to write or say those words...), time is a concern as I turned 33 in December. 

Nothing is simple or easy when it comes to grief but it does show us how strong we can be.


Friday, February 21, 2014

Happy 2nd Birthday, Emelina!

This was my Facebook status today. I think it says it best....

Then today, Cat and I prepared 10 birthday kits. These kits are put together by Cat and I, she picks out the themes which this year included... Spider-Man, angry birds, strawberry short cake... I use the funds we normally would have spent on Emelina's birthday towards the purchases. Her memory was also honoured by our family and friends as will with random acts of kindness occurring all over Canada.

 All the kits at the food bank. Sporting her Canada sweatshirt proud of our athletes.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

I hate...

The question is Cat your only child... When Emelina first passed away I would say yes... Now I say no her sister passed away 2 years ago. I hate the look of pitty but I have been told I need to open up more and funny enough by doing it and admitting I am changing roles for my daughter it feels earn more respect. It took 2 years to finally be able to say out loud that I have two children but I am finally ready.

With my sister pregnant with her first though I am struggling to be happy for her... Here I move into the hardest week of my year and she is celebrating as is my family while I sit alone wondering why ... 

Some days I know why...

... Because I am strong enough even when I want to quit
... Because I have friends and family who are by my side through it
... Because it made me change not only my place to live but ultimately my career
... Because I have taught as much as I have leant
... Because every thing happens for a reason 

And because I would not be ME without Emelina in my life.

Next week we celebrate her... No fan fare, just Cat and donating birthday kits like last year and doing random acts of kindness. I feel bad but I honestly have no desire to drive to Edmonton and more importantly M is working... We live each day with Emelina in our hearts that is all that matters.

<3 In our hearts forever, Emelina Danyelle, February 21, 2012 <3


And here I thought I just liked to take the hard road...lol... We all have those people in your career/life that make you work harder then you have ever worked... Who challenge you not only to do your best but to do even better...who may have Kleenex in their office just incase... Who have challenged you on an emotional level that no one else has... Who has your best interests in mind... Who makes you laugh, and reminds you that laughing at ones self is the most important trait any of us have... That remind you trying and struggling is not the same as failing...That person is not just your boss, or a leader but a mentor that you came to you at a time that you needed something to change. I have my passion for my work back, my life back and most importantly that "spark" that was lost. #lifechanging #quote

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Not sure...

I swear I blog more in my head then I actually find time to do it. 

This past 6 weeks have been full, a trip to BC to spend sometime with family and friend... Two weeks of mind blowing stress... Work, Cat, house. This mama was closer to the finish line then ever before... What saved me... 

* My husband returning from his stint out of town 2 days sooner then we thoughts

* our inspection with our landlord being super easy ( I spent way too many hours cleaning, stressing and freaking) for nothing as usual. 

* Cat refocusing me on what is important

* disagreeing with my boss... Honest to goodness he purposefully pokes at me to get a reaction... And then makes me laugh at my craziness 

This sums up our relationship perfectly...

* Cat... She has been teaching me to take a step back and stop being so driven at the expense of my family. The best thing I did was decide to change roles...even though I am scared to death. Which is funny because I am the only one. I told one of my team members today and they just looked at me... I maybe the number one manager of client service reps bug that is me teaching someone... Doing I am not so sure.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

The myth of parenting after losing a child....

Honestly one of the best articles written on parenting after losing a child. I can honestly say I was the parent that pulled back because I had no choice it was my way of coping . 18 months later I had to become the "parent"...not easy for anyone of us. I can tell you it is not for the weak, or for someone with less determination. I have learnt many not so pretty things about myself,(learnt more today) but I would not change it. 

I have some pretty amazing people that are by my side when I ask and when I don't. I have had to change my career path, our family path and my life path. But not for one moment do I ever stop trying because at the end of the day are children are blessing and we have no idea what tomorrow brings. Trust me, I have some days I question everything. I made it this far why stop now...

Saturday, January 4, 2014


Is the word for the last 6 weeks being a single parent to a child dealing with major anxiety issues and being a leader during a very busy time. Adding to that the announcement that my boss was leaving...and I was brought to the breaking point...

So after running on empty for a few weeks with the help of my boss I decided with his support to change roles... In the next few months I am going be going into a role that is Monday to Friday,no nights ( unless I choose), I get to set my hours and is not in leadership. Which is pretty much a dream job, but the even better news is I am keeping the same boss...I am following him. Which has given me some relief, he knows me and knows my struggles but most of all he is giving me the ability to put Cat first. I may not have a huge support group here in Calgary BUT I have support at work, and that is a huge win. I saw this a few weeks ago and shared it with my boss, the next day it was taped to my computer... He may drive me nuts but he ALWAYS has my back. 

I will leave you with this thought.