DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

The past month...

After my last post I was on a good path... Everything was starting to come together... I was enjoying life something I do so rarely... Then tonight it hit me... The SAD, the TEARs... Partly because I am stressed... i am beyond swapped at work, we leave for my cousins wedding in a week, and we moved this past weekend causing chaos at home... I do not handle chaos well at all... We are struggling in our new place for storage so decisions on items need to be made... Specifically Emelina's things... Sell or struggle to store? 

I am do afraid to make any decision with all the items... We originally took the crib and had Cat use it in her room with her double bed, but her bedroom is not big enough for it. So sell or keep...I agreed to sell and tonight the tears started flowing and now I question it. I hate not being decisive... It is not who I am, at work I need to make decisions and I do... With Emelina's  baby stuff I am the complete opposite. 

BLM's what did/ would you do???

Monday, July 1, 2013


2 years ago today... I found out I was pregnant with our second child... And I was so excited ...Then I got the worst news any parent hears 16 months and 19 days and honestly I have yet to be happy with life... Almost every day I hate it... This is not the life I should be living. We moved in hopes it would help... It does not..we travel I end up miserable. I start training it ends with a sprained ankle and a race I get left behind in and I end up hating as I was not prepared and basically just plan mad....My marriage... My husband wants the old person back not the one that hates every thing...and is simply just trying to live. My daughter does not have a full engaged mom... I try but...I am just..  

My health sucks I have had 10x more headaches/migraines and they make me so miserable because I am always in pain and Advil just does not help...I have trouble sleeping.

 NOTHING makes me happy. At work I am killing it... I don't really care... I need to make decision on where I want to in 6 months... I can't.

I am struggling GRIEF SUCKS, having no friends close to me SUCKS... It feels like Everyone has a life so I get forgotten... It was my choice to move I know but I did it to get a new start instead I isolated myself. I don't hold it against anyone but I also don't feel like I have any support.

I sit in my truck crying my eyes out tonight because I am so TIRED of being like THIS. I try and try to find the good, the blessing, the happy and all I see is how much life SUCKS. I don't need a vacation, I don't need a therapist, I don't need to hear it is normal... 

I NEED to be over GRIEF, I need a friend.. But since I have neither... I continue to try to fight for some sort of happy...if that ever comes