DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

What a difference a year makes....

I am no where close to where I was last year....

I have spent 2012 grieving the loss of my second daughter
I spent only 4 months on Mat leave
I spent almost 3 months being a single mom while my husband established himself in a new job
I spent 2.5 months on my own...1 month in my own home and 6 weeks with an amazing friends family
I have spent the past 3 months reestablishing myself in a new job
I have a support network that I could never have imaged...but honestly I am honored to have them support me on this journey as they awe me with there compassion and strength.

A few days ago I admitted that I am tired....tired of fighting back, tired of working hard to be a "normal" parent to Cat, tired of trying....I want to be happy and that is not in my cards right now. I use to be confident, I use to know where our lives were going...I had a plan...my plan now does not go past 6 months and even then I expect nothing... I am not the person I was, I am NO where close to were I saw myself, but I can't be angry....

Both my husband and I have had outstanding years for our careers. I am working with possibly one of the best bosses ( and I have had 3 fantastic bosses to date). I am closer to family that means everything to me...missing other family...but in a better place. Every day for the first 10 months I opened my eyes in the morning and said to myself, I can do this... Some days have sucked and some days have made me cry but every day I give thanks that I have people that care so much that when I need it there is a facebook message, a text or better yet a friendly face.

In 7 days, we are celebrating the beautiful daughters life with a balloon release in Edmonton my hometown. In 11 days we are delivering  Birthday Kits to our local food bank in her honour, not sure what else the day will hold as honestly I am not sure...

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