DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Friday, November 29, 2013


I am proud of the mother I have become in the past few months... I am more compassionate, more loving, more organized and more involved then I have ever been.

I am proud of the leader I am at work... I am so much better at dealing with the stress' that come at me each day.  I have an outstanding team that I COACHED. 

I am proud of some steps I have taken...
I called my pervious doctors office and asked for my file to be transferred and I spoke to my old midwifery practice. 

I am proud that finally after 22.5 months I am finally able to start planing a next pregnancy. 

am proud that I asked for my Doctor to come up with a plan for my next pregnancy. 

I am proud although I still have bad days, I still miss Emelina but I am proud that we work to honour HER memory each and every day by being grateful for what we have. 

I am proud of my husband, he took on the challenge of a new job and a new work rotation. To grow his career and to help better our lives.

I am proud of me. Yeah I said it I am proud of me. I am not perfect, I am still grieving but you know what I am okay with who I AM. 

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Grief feels like ....

I am bipolar ... I am either content with life or crying in my bath tub. 
What keeps me going day in and day out is spending my days with Cat and Mariusz. At least I am finding the low days less and less. I am able to start focusing on what we want for the future and attempt to start planning. That is a huge for me...starting to plan as I stopped 18 months ago.

A few pictures we took today at a local park with a nod to our new hometown.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Facebook worthily status....

Life is not perfect but it is okay.
And I did something I have never done... Declined a promotion. Yes I did it. I am keeping my role... I am good at it and I enjoy it...why add more stress the job will be there next year if I choose to take it :-)

Proud of myself and contentment in one week something is in the air. Maybe it because my boss told I was not only great at my job but I should be proud of what M and I built. Guess what ... I am.
We have had to work are butts off and it is not time for us to stop but it is time for me especially to stop pushing for the next best role. 

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Happy Birthday to my Oldest Daughter!

This was my Facebook post on her Birthday last week ...don't think I can say it better

In a few hours, Mariusz and I will have an 8 year old...WOW. She is an AMAZING child, who daily shows us what a blessing she is to us and all those around her. When she was born she cried for just a few seconds, and then looked at the world with her wide eyes. The DR told us that she was going to be wise beyond her years and more importantly someone special...And boy is she.. Cat always has a piece of advice for anyone that has a problem and although this past 18 months have been tough for her through it she has never lost her amazing outlook on life and her laughter... Every day she makes us proud, she embraces life full speed ahead and is celebrating 8 with her first airplane trip solo on Saturday. She has taught us what unconditional love is and most importantly she has taught Mariusz and I that NOTHING in life is too small to be enjoyed. Happy 8th Birthday to our Oldest Daughter, Catarzyna aka Cat!





Tuesday, August 27, 2013

I am still here...

I have had so many posts in my head of late but just no time...so tonight thanks to a headache that has been in bed I am finally going to write out a few of them...

This past 2 months has been INSANELY busy between work and home...July 5th saw me completing in my very first Spartan race it was okay...I struggled right off the start because of my "sprained" ankle turns out it is most likely a torn ligament as it is still not healed (14 weeks later :-( ) this had my family leave me in the dust and I almost quite...but I came across another team at the right moment and it was because of a wonderful Trainer (Karl) and his client (Nicole) that I finished. Honestly the NICEST people ever and when I was going to give up they pushed me and I, in turn helped Nicole when she was set to give up. This reemphasized to me that I NEED to keep persevering even when i want to quit...which is so very similar to grieving even when you feel life is at its darkest the next day it will lighten a little bit.

After that we started to get ready for our move into a new rental home so so much closer to work in a MUCH better area for our family. The move went great but the unpacking had me working 9 hour days and unpacking for 4-6 hours each night as I was trying to get it done...well at least the first two floor before we left for vacation. The house we came from had a 2 car garage full of stuff...the new place NO garage, no shed, really no storage space at all...so we are having to really evaluate what we NEED, WANT and really what I can sell. I managed to get the first two floors done but at the cost of the basement which now needs to be done as my little Brother is moving in with us this week and he needs space...so back to the long days.

The move was way more emotionally for me then I thought it would be with all the infant stuff being unpacked from the bin and not having a place for it...it forced me to attempt to make some decisions...turned out I didn't need to make any as my cousin announced that he and his new wife are pregnant and we are going to lend them the larger items. This is a much appreciated relief as it is all the big stuff, crib, car seat etc, all the items I got used the rest I will see about when their child is born. This allows me to know I am getting the stuff back so that we can make a decision later next spring about adding another child to the family.  I have been back and forth on this and honestly can't make up my mind so we are going to leave it, and continue to explore our careers and really just making Calgary home.

We spent 10 days on holidays, 4 with my great family in Grande Prairie celebrating the marriage of my cousin to his new wife, it was a country themed wedding that was perfect as we have all been gearing up with the move to Calgary and the STAMPEDE that occurs each July that the WHOLE city celebrates.

After we left to head to the Shuswsap in BC and spent almost 5 days with my friend K and her family, honestly it was exactly what we needed a week of sun, pool, and beach. 
We had so much fun we are seriously thinking about purchasing an RV lot in the next few years here. Some pictures of our great week


Of all of our vacations this year this one was truly the best one. We just enjoyed our time with no stress and no disappointments. Sometimes last minute things pay off as this vacation came together 3 days before we left for Grande Prairie. 

Our life is the complete opposite to what I thought it would be 2 years ago, but I am finally starting to be thankful...truly thankful for my daughter, my husband and the people that chose to come on this journey with us. I am not the person I was nor will I ever be...But that is not a bad thing it is different.