DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas!

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Tuesday, December 11, 2012

The Holiday's are coming......

I sit here dreading that they are just around the corner... Add in the end of a year that had me wondering why we even started the year...

I am that person who has her decorations up Dec 1, has an open house the 2 weekend every December and who LOVES to bake and give gifts. This year my decorations are a cardboard tree, I had no open house as we moved, and I have no desire to do anything, holiday related. I got what I needed done but I so not interested....

Grieving the loss of your child is a lot add moving 1200 km's , starting a new job and living with ones parents stress is my first name. I miss my support network, I miss my routines and I am beyond frustrated that I sit here grieving.... I am not angry I can't be but I am frustrated that at almost 10 months I am still dreading events/holiday's why couldn't it all have happened sooner... Just when I think I am getting a hang on this journey...I get brought back to the beginning ... I miss what we should be doing, I miss where Em should be but what I can't miss is how truly truly amazing my daughter Cat, has been when I am at my lowest she is why I push forward. She is why I truly feel blessed in a way that I never could have. 7 years ago I gave birth to her and was told..." she is going to wise beyond her years, she is going to have an old soul" this could not have been closer to the truth.

Don't get me wrong I am beyond sad but angry wasn't helping me and I am someone who always wants to push forward even when I have no idea what I Doing.... Grief doesn't quite work like this ... Here's what I know in 37 days we are heading to Florida my husband has a conference so Cat and I are joining him for a week of Disney World and sun :-)

Just want I will need after the holidays.