DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Are you a True Believer.....

We are...if we hadn't been some where in the past 9 years we would have broke...
This song was recently played on a satelite radio station I listen to and played while I drove 11 hours home from Calgary, where I left my daughter and husband a few weeks ago. After I cried, I was dying to hear it again and again...so I could seat dance...you know the I am driving but LOVING my music. Tonight I finally remembered to download it to my phone, and thought I had to share, this month has had so many ups and downs and possibliy a HUGE up we will see next week that, this song is truly this months theme....

True Believers lyrics
Church bells ringing on our wedding day
Climbed in that limo and rode away
Guess you'll always hear some people say
They're never gonna make it.

We settled in and we settled down
In this quiet little seaside town
You were the rock I built my world around
And life won't ever break it

We are one heartbeat in the darkness
We are one lasting answered prayer
We are one unbroken promise
We are two, True Believers

It wasn't easy getting here today
Sometimes you stumbled or I lost my way
But every roadblock was a chance to say;
Take my hand I'm here beside you.

We worked and made it through the toughest parts
[ From : http://www.elyrics.net/read/d/darius-rucker-lyrics/true-believers-lyrics.html ]
Now every days another chance to start,
To look around and see that where we are
Is where we were trying to get to

We are one heartbeat in the darkness
We are one lasting answered prayer
We are one unbroken promise
We are two, True Believers

We are one before our God in Heaven
We are one road when the going gets rough
We are one now and forever
We are one name, one life, one flame

We are one heartbeat in the darkness
We are one lasting answered prayer
We are one unbroken promise
and We are two, True Believers

We are two, True Believers

Friday, September 21, 2012

A letter to my youngest daughter....

Dear Emelina,

Oh how we miss you...you are in my thoughts EVERY DAY. Last month we sent off some balloons to you to let you know how much we miss you. Cat and I also spent some time looking through the very very few pictures we have you. Thankful for every one of them, my only wish is that I had more then just photos to remember you...

With love,
Mom, Dad and Big Sister Cat

Thursday, September 13, 2012


All I seem to have is time....Last week we moved my daughter out to Alberta to live with my husband while I stay back and await for the sale of the house as well as continue to grow in my role so it is easier to make a lateral move. Being alone is something I never have been...honestly I have NEVER lived on my own and silly me cut cable so it has been an adjustment. I have learnt that I am slowly slowly getting back to my old social ways....meaning dear friends you may get sick of me as I am going to be reaching out for "dates". I miss my hubby,  big girl and Mad Dog, but they are all having so much fun that, as much as I miss them it thrills me that they are enjoying themselves. We have struggled with me not being involved in the planning of things like activities and dealing with the School....as those are "MY" roles but with some guidance my husband has done well.  In 23 days I get to spend the weekend with them and a packed weekend of family it will be.

Now were am I with the grief side of things....well, I cry less, and I feel like I am getting some "normal" back into it...you see all summer long I was ANGRY at what I had lost...a summer with my family as the focus not my job. That is what I had planned the summer to be and instead I was in tears working WAY, WAY too many nights and not happy. But once September hit it seems like the weight has lessened...part of the reason is I had always considered going back to work in September if the role/position was one I wanted...

I am not happy still but what I am is OKAY...I am finally allowing myself to simply be OKAY....I said to my friend J, last night that I am allowing myself to be okay with the grief, to be okay with hard days and most importantly that it is OKAY for me to just be....sometimes we spend to much time worrying about what others think, say or what we think we should BE. When honestly we need to just BE.

I read an amazing email yesterday that made me think about a few things I had already decided, here was the email:

From celebration to devastation, who can you call at 2am? So, who can you call? For most of us, the list of "who" will be a very short one.

: Who's the first person you'd call if you landed the job, won the award, found out you were preggers,
got the news that you qualified?
: Who would you bring if you got five front row seats to see your favouri
te rock star?
: Who's your "In Case of Emergency" contact?
: Who could write your obituary?
: Who knows how you take your coffee or could order for you at a restaurant?
: Who'll drive you there--and back?
: Who's seen you do the Ugly Cry?
: Where can you show up without calling?

Who can you call at 2 a.m.?

Treasured, indispensable, no matter what, sacred circle.
The person I thought of was my husband...which should tell you how strong our relationship is...and honestly when I won a cruise 3 years ago with my bank, he totally was the first person then I announced it on facebook :-).... It made me think about the people in my life and how 6 months ago things would have been different...some are still there but others are not...The ones that are still there are the ones who with my family leaving have reached out by email, text or in person to support me and have simply made me a priority in there busy busy lives. A few of them I have just let simple decided on to foster any more with them. One friend I simply don't know were to go with her...Honestly why am I "friends" with someone that drives me crazy and I dislike spending time with...or complains about EVERYTHING under the sun all the time...I get as friends we support and it is OKAY to have problems with our children, marriage etc...BUT OWN your problem and find a solution or SHUT UP it should not be the same complaint for the past 2 years. I know strongly worded but that is where I am. Life taught me on February 20th that,no matter how "good" someone is life HAPPENS and it is not always good but it can and will make you STRONGER, it will strengthen good relationships but it can also show which ones are week. This email just confirmed that my friends: S, J, G, and K are those I appreciate the most...

Now on to some humor the only person that can order for me at BP is S...we go way too often and we both get the same items time after time...HAHA she is the only one other then my hubby who gets my TEA order right...but that comes with working together for 2 years next to Tim's. Anyone of them will drive be there or back as long as it is not ALBERTA :-). J always has room for me in her schedule and dinner.... she is honestly one of the best cooks...yummy

I also want to give a HUGE, HUGE acknowledgement  to my boss, she is truly one of the best women, boss, mentor and friend. She constantly provides a shoulder for me whether or not I need it and best of all she is someone who has touched my life in so many professional and personal ways.

Going forward I am going to TREASURE the WOMEN and MEN in my life that are truly worth it and not worry about the rest. Reminding myself that saying NO to requests is sometimes the best thing for me....because this is what is truly the most important people to me......