DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Week 26 of this journey also known as MONTH 6

How has this journey only been 6 months.....

6 months ago I had no idea that I would my nightmare start.....

I have such a great sadness I have no words to explain how simply unhappy I am...I try hard every day to see the light but honestly the light I do see is so little. I LOVE my job but the rest of my life is over shadowed by the sadness....even after a day a year ago I would have rated as one of my best summer days....just does not mean anything as when I come home I am reminded that my life is WRONG...

This is not the only place I struggle.... I struggle with the fact that I LOVE my job but I honestly don't want to work anymore...I am a planner and being able to accept my new route in life has been the toughest piece...My friends whom I had "plans" with are forgetting about me once again because I have to work....THIS was the SUMMER I was going to be off and free...hitting up my gf cabin, a trip to my favorite lake, a week at this one.....ALL CANCELLED because I have to work...and they do not.  I also find I am much much more sensitive with things like I have never been.

One example has been rethinking my friendship....I have a gf whom has a cabin and for the past 6 years they say to us " You guys should come up...in the past with my work it has never worked but other friends of ours they move it around so they can...that is okay...last year it bugged me HUGELY but I thought I need to grow up this year we tried to in June but she said it won't work okay no big deal, we will do it in August....June comes and goes, July comes and goes no further mention...this past week I am at there house and what to I see the weekend I suggested we all go up they are there with another group....no invite nothing....honestly I cried all the way home....why is it I matter so little to people that no one keeps there word to me....the other reason I cried was Cat had been asking when our turn to go up was??? Explain that one to a 7 year old.... I lied and said it wasn't going to work this year and turned the conversation to something else.

Many of my friends have left I have a few check in....email, text, dinner date...I knew that this was going to happen it is just hard as this is the time 6 months later...when I feel like an island without the way to get off it I need them. The ones I have are why I can still get up in the morning and face the day. I feel feel like on top of my grieving my daughter I grieve for the loss of my friends. I know that it does not help the my husband is gone to Alberta leaving me with alot to do and no time to deal with the emotions that are coming with that. I miss him but also know that this move is probably for the best and honestly our true friendships will continue.

Some bright spots are my FANTASTIC family at work that make me laugh, and make going to work everyday the one area, I am not stressed, I am LOVE the challenges that I am presented and know the without that.  My AMAZING neighbour that does anything I ask and has really been my back support and MY MOST AMAZING friend J and her husband....truly I have no idea what Cat and I would have been eating for dinner this summer, one evening at their home a week has been the sanity I have needed to get me through my week. Cat loves going to visit and I get a huge emotional support meeting that I need. She validates everything I feel.

Six Months.....our love is no less, the pain is no less, the tears are less....
but our heart is still broken....Missing you!

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