DISCLAIMER

DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Family Pictures



 Take a AMAZING farm in Greendale, a fantasticly talented Photographer and....................................




These are the RESULTS:

 
        
 



  




Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Week 26 of this journey also known as MONTH 6

How has this journey only been 6 months.....

6 months ago I had no idea that I would my nightmare start.....

I have such a great sadness I have no words to explain how simply unhappy I am...I try hard every day to see the light but honestly the light I do see is so little. I LOVE my job but the rest of my life is over shadowed by the sadness....even after a day a year ago I would have rated as one of my best summer days....just does not mean anything as when I come home I am reminded that my life is WRONG...

This is not the only place I struggle.... I struggle with the fact that I LOVE my job but I honestly don't want to work anymore...I am a planner and being able to accept my new route in life has been the toughest piece...My friends whom I had "plans" with are forgetting about me once again because I have to work....THIS was the SUMMER I was going to be off and free...hitting up my gf cabin, a trip to my favorite lake, a week at this one.....ALL CANCELLED because I have to work...and they do not.  I also find I am much much more sensitive with things like I have never been.

One example has been rethinking my friendship....I have a gf whom has a cabin and for the past 6 years they say to us " You guys should come up...in the past with my work it has never worked but other friends of ours they move it around so they can...that is okay...last year it bugged me HUGELY but I thought I need to grow up this year we tried to in June but she said it won't work okay no big deal, we will do it in August....June comes and goes, July comes and goes no further mention...this past week I am at there house and what to I see the weekend I suggested we all go up they are there with another group....no invite nothing....honestly I cried all the way home....why is it I matter so little to people that no one keeps there word to me....the other reason I cried was Cat had been asking when our turn to go up was??? Explain that one to a 7 year old.... I lied and said it wasn't going to work this year and turned the conversation to something else.

Many of my friends have left I have a few check in....email, text, dinner date...I knew that this was going to happen it is just hard as this is the time 6 months later...when I feel like an island without the way to get off it I need them. The ones I have are why I can still get up in the morning and face the day. I feel feel like on top of my grieving my daughter I grieve for the loss of my friends. I know that it does not help the my husband is gone to Alberta leaving me with alot to do and no time to deal with the emotions that are coming with that. I miss him but also know that this move is probably for the best and honestly our true friendships will continue.

Some bright spots are my FANTASTIC family at work that make me laugh, and make going to work everyday the one area, I am not stressed, I am LOVE the challenges that I am presented and know the without that.  My AMAZING neighbour that does anything I ask and has really been my back support and MY MOST AMAZING friend J and her husband....truly I have no idea what Cat and I would have been eating for dinner this summer, one evening at their home a week has been the sanity I have needed to get me through my week. Cat loves going to visit and I get a huge emotional support meeting that I need. She validates everything I feel.



 
 
 
 
Six Months.....our love is no less, the pain is no less, the tears are less....
but our heart is still broken....Missing you!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Comfort....

Some quotes that I am focusing on to get me through the trails of the past of the last few weeks. and the next few...


The period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one’s life. Through a difficult period you can learn, you can develop inner strength, determination, and courage to face the problems – Dalai Lama





Too many people miss the silver lining
because they're expecting gold.
(Maurice Setter)


Photography Done by  Revival Arts http://revivalartsstudio.com/


Thursday, August 2, 2012

9 years today.....

Was the day I said.........

" I DO"On August 2, 2003 Mariusz and I said our vows ... "to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part".... We could have never expected that 9 years forward we would dealing the loss of our youngest daughter, Emelina.
Maiusz without your LOVE, support and amazing dedication I know that I wouldn't be able to walk this journey we have been given. You are the BEST husband, father, friend and lover I could have ever dreamed of...Thank you for loving me! Some Pictures of us over the last 7 years...the rest on dvd and in storage.






Our Wedding Song:



Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Meltdowns, friendship and Loneliness....

A Sweet Visitor on our Vacation Earlier this month...
This month has been a month of meltdowns at least once a week and today it has been a day of plan sadness...the day started off with so much promise and by 400 pm the sadness was all I could think of...My younger cousin became a first time dad today to a baby girl....and that I think has been the heaviest on my mind and in the fact that I am really feeling alone.   To me it seems as if everyone one around me is going away and I feel at a lost of what to do.... I have 3 days off and before it would be full full full...now not so much I have tomorrow off but honestly I would rather just curl up in bed and go to bed then do anything...I hate that my favorite summer season and for the most part I am so depressed that just to be going to work seems to be the most I can manage some days. Feeling completely helpless is driving me crazy...not sure were to go anymore,  my husband is pushing me to see a grief councilor but I am not sure if that is even necessary...how are they going to make me less sad...I have been told by other women that the sadness NEVER goes away just gets less. I am so beyond overwhelmed and to top it off I am worried about becoming pregnant as I am not sure if I can go though it I thought I could but honestly I have no idea if we can go though another loss...and there is no guarantee they can just mediate it. I thought I could do it but now as time continues I wonder if I want to even go there and with me not being able to make up my mind it is adding as I am a planner and for the past 5 months my planning has been so hard for me to deal with. I had  my summer planned out how were going to hit the beach at least 2x a week some long weekend camping trips just enjoying my time with Cat and Emelina..instead I sit here at lost...

After a week with out my boss I was thrilled to have her back, for the first time EVER I really missed my boss while she was away. I have LOVED my previous two female boss' but the one I have right now simply makes me feel so lucky to get to work with her, she is just someone I know once I leave  and I know I will be :-( ....I will truly truly miss her friendship. As I think  about it I have been blessed to have a good relationship with my last boss too she checks in on me regularly and I know she is only a call away...Such a relief when I was worried originally about coming back.

I am constantly amazed at the women that surround me on a regular basis with offers of dinner, coffee, a quick email and most importantly the constant reminders that they are here to listen. I am still feeling alone in grieving as everyone's life including my husbands lives have moved forward and here I am stuck wondering when I will actually start moving forward and not backwards which is what July has felt like...




A family picture taken this past weekend..