DISCLAIMER

DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Meltdowns, friendship and Loneliness....

A Sweet Visitor on our Vacation Earlier this month...
This month has been a month of meltdowns at least once a week and today it has been a day of plan sadness...the day started off with so much promise and by 400 pm the sadness was all I could think of...My younger cousin became a first time dad today to a baby girl....and that I think has been the heaviest on my mind and in the fact that I am really feeling alone.   To me it seems as if everyone one around me is going away and I feel at a lost of what to do.... I have 3 days off and before it would be full full full...now not so much I have tomorrow off but honestly I would rather just curl up in bed and go to bed then do anything...I hate that my favorite summer season and for the most part I am so depressed that just to be going to work seems to be the most I can manage some days. Feeling completely helpless is driving me crazy...not sure were to go anymore,  my husband is pushing me to see a grief councilor but I am not sure if that is even necessary...how are they going to make me less sad...I have been told by other women that the sadness NEVER goes away just gets less. I am so beyond overwhelmed and to top it off I am worried about becoming pregnant as I am not sure if I can go though it I thought I could but honestly I have no idea if we can go though another loss...and there is no guarantee they can just mediate it. I thought I could do it but now as time continues I wonder if I want to even go there and with me not being able to make up my mind it is adding as I am a planner and for the past 5 months my planning has been so hard for me to deal with. I had  my summer planned out how were going to hit the beach at least 2x a week some long weekend camping trips just enjoying my time with Cat and Emelina..instead I sit here at lost...

After a week with out my boss I was thrilled to have her back, for the first time EVER I really missed my boss while she was away. I have LOVED my previous two female boss' but the one I have right now simply makes me feel so lucky to get to work with her, she is just someone I know once I leave  and I know I will be :-( ....I will truly truly miss her friendship. As I think  about it I have been blessed to have a good relationship with my last boss too she checks in on me regularly and I know she is only a call away...Such a relief when I was worried originally about coming back.

I am constantly amazed at the women that surround me on a regular basis with offers of dinner, coffee, a quick email and most importantly the constant reminders that they are here to listen. I am still feeling alone in grieving as everyone's life including my husbands lives have moved forward and here I am stuck wondering when I will actually start moving forward and not backwards which is what July has felt like...




A family picture taken this past weekend..

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