DISCLAIMER

DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Alone

Sometimes I feel so alone in my world... I know that others face my situation but honestly all I see on my Facebook are new babies... And I wonder why they were able to have a baby and I sit here living a life I never ( honestly no ever wants it) wanted. What did I do so wrong ...These thoughts are here because...I found our my second cousin whom is 6 months younger then me just had his first baby... He just was married a year ago so this is a honeymoon baby...our babies would have been the same age...

This got me thinking about an article I recently read on a site today about jealous and feeling it towards pregnant women...I am not jealous but I always wonder if they are going to follow my path and what did I do to be here... I know it is not what I did or did not do.... But I still wonder why....
I am so sad to be struggling along this path and wishing to just be normal...

I have been wondering lots lately about what Emelina would have been like... Would she have smiled easily like Cat? Would she have been fussy?
What would she have been like.... What I can tell you is I prepared myself for a never sleeping screaming child and instead I got silence and sleep...

Driving home today I realized that I am truly never going to be who I was... There is always going to be a sadness how bad it is just depends on we're along this journey I am... What I can tell you is preparing for our first summer vacation without Emelina... Is going poorly as I just have no motivation :-(

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