DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

A Mothers Grief....

  After a week of vacation I spent sometime online last week catching up on face book and blogs when I came this and started to think about it. This is sooooo true sometime I think I am forgetting the grief but honestly I am putting it aside to deal with getting through my day.  Between working crazy hours, being a single parent and having my house up for sale leaves me so very very little time to be sad. I find that the grief is worse on the 21st of every month as it is just another reminder that I "should" have an infant...

I have had many many posts floating in my head but by the time I get home and get Cat to bed I am ready to call it a night as the next morning always comes so early. I am struggling with trying to balance everything and honestly I know I am not but what does one do... Next month Cat will be moving to Calgary to be with my husband and parents the largest focus was to get her established. This will make the every day life easier but emotionally will probably be harder....but when I have I ever taken the easy way out...I sometime wish I could, so many times over the past 3 weeks I have wanted to quit, call a time out to life and just be able to curl up in my bed and not leave. Why does one have to live with this pain? Why does it seem to never get better....just get put behind every day life?

A family I know of lost their beautiful daughter 2 years ago this coming October, she had cyst on her brain and fought a hard batter for almost 3 years before she passed away from Metigitus. I followeed her family's journey from afar on facebook. Every milestone my daughter reaches I have thought of them and how there daughter (Gracie) who was one month older will never reach that milestone. Where it was riding her bike without training wheels or learning to read. Recently on what should have been Gracie's 7th birthday her dad posted this:

"Thanks to everyone for remembering and honoring Gracie today. We were overwhelmed with love!! People say "it will get easier"...it doesn't...there is a piece of my heart missing, that hurts! It does help however when love flows as it did today, thank you friends!"
And it breaks my heart all over agian for them but also put it in prepective that I am NEVER going to get over Emelina's death. Yesterday was month 5 and honestly not one person even rememberred other then me....my husband thought I was just having a moment until he really thought about it. My friends have each other I feel like this loss is mine only. Not to say that Mariusz is not sad but to him it is not the same grief as mine...

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