DISCLAIMER

DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

I Make My Own Sunshine.....

I heard this song tonight on a blog I follow....a few years ago I saw her BLOG on another one I have followed and CRIED as it was just as she had lost her son to SIDS...I NEVER imaged that I would too understand what it is to feel the loss of a child...and here I sit part of a club that NO one ever wants to be apart of....

Sunday, July 22, 2012

A Mothers Grief....

  After a week of vacation I spent sometime online last week catching up on face book and blogs when I came this and started to think about it. This is sooooo true sometime I think I am forgetting the grief but honestly I am putting it aside to deal with getting through my day.  Between working crazy hours, being a single parent and having my house up for sale leaves me so very very little time to be sad. I find that the grief is worse on the 21st of every month as it is just another reminder that I "should" have an infant...

I have had many many posts floating in my head but by the time I get home and get Cat to bed I am ready to call it a night as the next morning always comes so early. I am struggling with trying to balance everything and honestly I know I am not but what does one do... Next month Cat will be moving to Calgary to be with my husband and parents the largest focus was to get her established. This will make the every day life easier but emotionally will probably be harder....but when I have I ever taken the easy way out...I sometime wish I could, so many times over the past 3 weeks I have wanted to quit, call a time out to life and just be able to curl up in my bed and not leave. Why does one have to live with this pain? Why does it seem to never get better....just get put behind every day life?

A family I know of lost their beautiful daughter 2 years ago this coming October, she had cyst on her brain and fought a hard batter for almost 3 years before she passed away from Metigitus. I followeed her family's journey from afar on facebook. Every milestone my daughter reaches I have thought of them and how there daughter (Gracie) who was one month older will never reach that milestone. Where it was riding her bike without training wheels or learning to read. Recently on what should have been Gracie's 7th birthday her dad posted this:

"Thanks to everyone for remembering and honoring Gracie today. We were overwhelmed with love!! People say "it will get easier"...it doesn't...there is a piece of my heart missing, that hurts! It does help however when love flows as it did today, thank you friends!"
And it breaks my heart all over agian for them but also put it in prepective that I am NEVER going to get over Emelina's death. Yesterday was month 5 and honestly not one person even rememberred other then me....my husband thought I was just having a moment until he really thought about it. My friends have each other I feel like this loss is mine only. Not to say that Mariusz is not sad but to him it is not the same grief as mine...

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Alone

Sometimes I feel so alone in my world... I know that others face my situation but honestly all I see on my Facebook are new babies... And I wonder why they were able to have a baby and I sit here living a life I never ( honestly no ever wants it) wanted. What did I do so wrong ...These thoughts are here because...I found our my second cousin whom is 6 months younger then me just had his first baby... He just was married a year ago so this is a honeymoon baby...our babies would have been the same age...

This got me thinking about an article I recently read on a site today about jealous and feeling it towards pregnant women...I am not jealous but I always wonder if they are going to follow my path and what did I do to be here... I know it is not what I did or did not do.... But I still wonder why....
I am so sad to be struggling along this path and wishing to just be normal...

I have been wondering lots lately about what Emelina would have been like... Would she have smiled easily like Cat? Would she have been fussy?
What would she have been like.... What I can tell you is I prepared myself for a never sleeping screaming child and instead I got silence and sleep...

Driving home today I realized that I am truly never going to be who I was... There is always going to be a sadness how bad it is just depends on we're along this journey I am... What I can tell you is preparing for our first summer vacation without Emelina... Is going poorly as I just have no motivation :-(

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Milestone passed.....

One more milestone passed... The weekend we found out we were pregnant with Emelina, we were camping for the July long weekend. I was super Car sick up to Merritt and I am never car seat so it gave it away...I thought it would be a hard weekend but honestly we were so busy with my works float and stand for the Canada Day celebration and having a fantastic time with my husband and daughter that it was totally a peaceful weekend.

Since being back at work my emotions have been all over the place as the later nights have me coming home and going directly to bed as it is 9 by the time I eat and get Cat to bed. Add in lots to do and my workouts are decreasing and causing the anxiety to show it head so this week I decided to make it a priority. I sometimes forget that I a grieving mom as it seems like this is how my life is suppose to go.. I have found strength in some of my amazing friends and their support as well as my fantastic boss.

Just thinking of my fantastic boss chokes me up... She is truly not only a boss but honestly the best cheerleader one could as for. She is constantly validating my achievements but also my fears and supporting me in whatever ways I need. She has allowed me to do what I do best and that is push through the craziness and focus on getting the job done. With her support I have truly been able to start loving my job again. I am so blessed to be surrounded by her trust and faith in myself. My Sunday was spent with her and her family as well as with mine and she reminded me as to how wonderful my husband is and how truly dedicated he is to myself and my family. I am beyond lucky that 11 years ago next month that we met at a creek in his hometown... Best decision we both ever made... Going through this journey without him I would never have made it....honestly knowing he is beside me keeps me strong.