DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Monday, June 11, 2012


Yes I have been....and I am sorry...life has become unbelievably crazy. Since we got back from Calgary we have been busy getting our house ready for sale as well as getting ready for Mariusz to leave, me to go back to work and for Cat's early birthday party...INSANE is what I am to attempt to deal with all of these.

I was beyond anxious about going back to work and for the most part it has been WAY better then I thought it would be...I work with some amazing staff. I am struggling with not being as confident as I was before I left and most of that has to do with the fact that I am learning my role, but due to change in hours I no longer have another manager to bounce ideas off of like I did...I will get there just not as fast as I want to. I managed the first 2 days on no sleep so it was an exhausting week, I am wishing I would have taken a sleeping aid on Monday night as I was up every few hours like it was when we first started on this loss journey.
The house is almost ready for showing....we had a ton of touch ups and there are still some that Mariusz needs to complete, as we simply ran out of time. I also need to really start packing up my closet as well as Cat's closet and thankfully have some boxes to finally get a move on it.

Mariusz left yesterday to drive the 10 hours to Calgary and started his new job today.  I am thankful that he has been able to come up with a way to fly home on the weekends for the rest of the month. He is going to work for his old company on Saturdays, this will give us enough money to pay for his flight and allow us a day to spend as a family...even if it means I have to pick up at the airport at 11 pm Friday night. This will give us some time to adjust to our new way of life and most importantly allow me to have some help with the last touch ups that we need to complete.

Yesterday, we had Cat's 7th Birthday at the park, I stupidly allowed her to invite over 40 kids, her classmates, neighbourhood friends as well as friends of the family as we are not having a birthday party in August as it is just too much work for me. We had a total of 28 kids and it was insane thank goodness for my neighbours, their three girls and a handful of parents that stuck around it was crazy but the kids had a fantastic time and it is done for another year.
SO that is what is happening on the life front....on the emotional front, I broke down Friday night after a long week of little sleep, stressed about the party, the work to be done on the house and working..it all came out. The good thing is that once this happened I felt so much better and after Mariusz did some serious super dad stuff on Saturday and Sunday it has made me much calmer. I also decided to ask my cleaning lady to come in today and scrub the house down and to come once a week so I can try to decrease the anxiety I was having about trying to manage it all with Cat.

I am still missing my Emmie, sometimes more then I ever thought I could....but fortunately or unfortunately my life has had to go on full force and I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other...Tomorrow is my second week back and a mixed up week with only one late shift and the rest early so I had better get Cat and I to bed, that is after I make sure the house is still perfect since our realtor is coming tomorrow to take pictures....

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