DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Emotions run over....

Thursday was the month 4 anniversary of Emelina's birth... And it felt like grieving was just starting, I now that time will lessen the pain but it did not seem that way. If I could have stayed home and hid from society I so would have. I teared up at least 8 times at work and had to take a clear my brain walk as I was close to loosing it in my staff (which they did not need). So after I stuffed Cat in bed I let it all out...

My overwhelming thought is how frustrated that this is my path and that NO one other then my husband or I even know the date or how hard iit is for me to deal with every month...I am so sad that here I am at work struggling to work full time and manage it all.... I am trying hard not to focus on "should be's" but honestly they continue to show up. I know on the outside I look together but honestly I am a big mess and simply just putting one foot infront of the other.

The biggest part of this process us the guilt... I know that I could not have ever changed the outcome but that does not make the guilt less... We as mother's have guilt and our worse "mommy" moments ( I call them ) you know when your child falls from a shopping cart and gets a concussion (happened to Cat at the age of 3) or when they eat pills from a broken bottle even after you have told them the dangers ( my gf recently had this moment) ... This is what I truly think is my worse one not being able be save my daughter.... YES I know that it was not my fault but I SHOULD have known...it is the horrible piece to being a mom blaming ourselves for not being perfect.

I have also been thinking of all the mom's going through the same journey and it makes me even sadder that I am sharing this journey...Which makes me more determined to get my butt moving to establish a support network across Canada.

One of my ways other then fitness to help deal with the pain and chaos of my life is organization... My house needs work but my workplace has never looked better... Home is on the list but with the hours I work I find it tough but tomorrow is another day and even better the start if a new week.

Pictures of what is keeping me sane... For the most part...

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