DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Day 114 of this Journey..

My halls wrapper last night
Today I had to call in sick which for me does not happen...I go to work regardless but with no voice and running a fever I had to throw in the towel...this has given me sometime to think. The last few days I have finally been able to catch up on some of the baby loss blogs I read and when doing so I was shocked to read a few of them are pregnant again...the losses are within weeks of mine so I think of them as so very recent. Now I am so not judging them at all the shock comes from my obsession that we don't get pregnant right now...I don't want a baby born anywhere close to Emmie's birth date. I can't imagine having a newborn and dealing with her one year birthday. I have also been wavering I am so sad that I have had to come along this path but what I am not sad about are the women I am meeting...wishing that none of us had to deal with the death of a child but amazed at the strength that we all have to pick up and try to go forward.

Always trying to put a smile on my face
Moving forward for me in some cases seems like I am going back to my old life when it was the three of us...with having a daughter that is turning 7 in August some days I forget that there "should be" a almost 4 month old here. It was been just us for so long that some days it seems like we are were we where a year ago...I only wish we were....This time last year we had just gotten back from a fantastic vacation in Vegas and had decided to start trying for a second...Who would have predicted where that decision would lead us. I am starting to wavier if we should even try for a second child...some days I have this strong overwhelming need for it and other days I just want to avoid the hassle (all the extra appointments etc), the worry and most importantly the stress of the unknown of.....as Cat puts it " if we are LUCKY enough to have another baby" .

By the way in what world should an almost 7 year old think of having a sibling as being LUCKY enough...this journey has taken us all along a path that I am still struggling with...some of my struggles are still with the anger I feel and some of it is directed at the fact that I truly have an amazingly loving daughter who should be proud to wear her big sister shirt and not hid it away in her closet as she does not want any questions about her "little sibling".

My first Friday back was BLUE Water day...which was awesome
After all my apprehension about going back to work it has been pretty darn amazing other then catching this nasty cold...it would have to happen on a week were we are just getting the routines down pat and figuring out are places, as well as the week that we have a managers meeting tomorrow so I am now out of the branch 2 days this week and I have so many little things I wanted to get done this week that are simply not going to happen. Which would have stressed me out in the past now I am simply taking it day by day...I have enough on my plate being a single mom and having my house on the market for sale, I don't need to add to my plate.

My nephew PJ
 My nephew was over on Sunday and for the first time.... I actually interacted with him and watched him for a few minutes...am so not up to babysitting him but I am okay with being around him I even when and got the Bumbo I had bought off my friend K to have him sit in it....I am finding that I can only think of Emmie as a baby and not where she should be age wise and I think it is because I won't let myself imagine her any older...although the amount of infants that come into my branch are hard for me...I try to simply avoid them but it is not easy...same as when I am trying to do something and I say I was on a leave....and get asked what kind...so I say medical....then leave it like that...I am sure people are imaging the worse like cancer etc but honestly I would rather that then have to tell my story because as much as I don't have a problem talking about it to my friends, family members or coworkers I don't need anymore "I am so sorry" I know that they are only doing what they can but I still hate that phrase.

I do have to note that I now have 2 women in my life that I Adore that have both faced breast cancer more then once and it has made me realize that we truly do all have paths in life we are taken down and sometime these paths have us battling for our lives or battling to deal with grief that is like a huge mountain...

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