DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Saturday, June 16, 2012


Yup I put it in caps for a reason...I AVOID speaking to anyone that does not know our story...I was at a managers meeting this week and in the room of 18 women and 3 men....maybe 4 of them did not know why I was on leave and I was not telling them...I spoke the other day about doing it with clients...I do it with my colleagues as well.... I was sitting at a table with 5 other women and when we were going around speaking about our families I was asked how many children I had and I said......ONE I know I have two and I miss Emmie Every day...I didn't want to get into it to be honest...opening that can of worms was not want...3 of the women knew about it as they are people that I have worked with before hand. I feel like I chickened out...did I?

Going into this meeting I knew that it could be a topic of discussion but I really tried to keep it causal as much as I could with all the hugs (the hugs made it better) I got from my wonderful colleagues. I am so tried of being that women and asked how I am...honestly my life sucks....I am a stress case making the best of every day. I have such frustration that I am going through this journey that it makes me mad to be put here. BUT I know that putting one foot in front of the other has gotten me this far and one day I will say I have JOY back in my life until then...I am OKAY that is it...today I honest feel sick and tired since Cat was up last night with a nightmare but do you really care probably not....I know people do it out of kindness but I HATE IT...I will answer it every time and I take comfort in having so many people care but I still HATE IT....could be that part of me that HATES being the centre of attention. On that note I am truly blessed to have so many people support me and be willing to listen when I need to speak I just hate not being who I was before....

I am putting it out there to my readers I know I have some....even my friends who read this blog but don't want me to know.....

What do or would you do in my place when asked.....

How many children and/or why were you on leave???

You don't get over it, you just get through it. You don't get by it, because you can't get around it. It doesn't 'get better'; it just gets different.
Everyday... Grief puts on a new face...."
-Wendy Feireisen


Julie said...

My sister has been having a hard time with that question. Shes just been saying that she has 5 but lost a baby to SIDS, and then tries to make it as less awkward as she can.

Krista F said...

I was recently reading something someone wrote about what is my 'normal' and came across the # of children topic...
What DO you say when you've lost a child??? DO I have 4 children or 5... well, I have 5... but, who do I say it to???
Sometimes I tell people I have 5, other times I say that I have 4 *living* children, so that I feel like I have not betrayed Kassidy.
Some people will ask, others will leave it alone... afraid of the answer they may get if they do ask, I suppose.