DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Halfway through 2012.....

In the shower today I realized that is halfway done the year....And we are not even close to where we thought we would be.....2012 I started the year with swollen ankles...with dreams that this summer would be a fantastic summer of day trips and many many camping trips. That I would be a parent two girls...Instead the first 6 months have been the hardest 6 months of my life....

The past 4 months have been filled with more tears that I ever thought possible, more sadness that I would have ever thought and soo much pain. I am working right through the summer with miniumal time off. Our house is for sale, my husband is working in Alberta, and my life feels insanely crazy right now

Where will the next 6 months take us....well Mariusz and Cat to Alberta....possible with a new home...but what I can tell you is in the next our new organization is going to be hitting the blog soon once I have it registered...CHANGES are coming...

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Cat's Journal Entry

I wish I could go to Heaven...is what Cat wrote on March 2, her first day back after Emelina's Passing

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Emotions run over....

Thursday was the month 4 anniversary of Emelina's birth... And it felt like grieving was just starting, I now that time will lessen the pain but it did not seem that way. If I could have stayed home and hid from society I so would have. I teared up at least 8 times at work and had to take a clear my brain walk as I was close to loosing it in my staff (which they did not need). So after I stuffed Cat in bed I let it all out...

My overwhelming thought is how frustrated that this is my path and that NO one other then my husband or I even know the date or how hard iit is for me to deal with every month...I am so sad that here I am at work struggling to work full time and manage it all.... I am trying hard not to focus on "should be's" but honestly they continue to show up. I know on the outside I look together but honestly I am a big mess and simply just putting one foot infront of the other.

The biggest part of this process us the guilt... I know that I could not have ever changed the outcome but that does not make the guilt less... We as mother's have guilt and our worse "mommy" moments ( I call them ) you know when your child falls from a shopping cart and gets a concussion (happened to Cat at the age of 3) or when they eat pills from a broken bottle even after you have told them the dangers ( my gf recently had this moment) ... This is what I truly think is my worse one not being able be save my daughter.... YES I know that it was not my fault but I SHOULD have known...it is the horrible piece to being a mom blaming ourselves for not being perfect.

I have also been thinking of all the mom's going through the same journey and it makes me even sadder that I am sharing this journey...Which makes me more determined to get my butt moving to establish a support network across Canada.

One of my ways other then fitness to help deal with the pain and chaos of my life is organization... My house needs work but my workplace has never looked better... Home is on the list but with the hours I work I find it tough but tomorrow is another day and even better the start if a new week.

Pictures of what is keeping me sane... For the most part...

Saturday, June 16, 2012


Yup I put it in caps for a reason...I AVOID speaking to anyone that does not know our story...I was at a managers meeting this week and in the room of 18 women and 3 men....maybe 4 of them did not know why I was on leave and I was not telling them...I spoke the other day about doing it with clients...I do it with my colleagues as well.... I was sitting at a table with 5 other women and when we were going around speaking about our families I was asked how many children I had and I said......ONE I know I have two and I miss Emmie Every day...I didn't want to get into it to be honest...opening that can of worms was not want...3 of the women knew about it as they are people that I have worked with before hand. I feel like I chickened out...did I?

Going into this meeting I knew that it could be a topic of discussion but I really tried to keep it causal as much as I could with all the hugs (the hugs made it better) I got from my wonderful colleagues. I am so tried of being that women and asked how I am...honestly my life sucks....I am a stress case making the best of every day. I have such frustration that I am going through this journey that it makes me mad to be put here. BUT I know that putting one foot in front of the other has gotten me this far and one day I will say I have JOY back in my life until then...I am OKAY that is it...today I honest feel sick and tired since Cat was up last night with a nightmare but do you really care probably not....I know people do it out of kindness but I HATE IT...I will answer it every time and I take comfort in having so many people care but I still HATE IT....could be that part of me that HATES being the centre of attention. On that note I am truly blessed to have so many people support me and be willing to listen when I need to speak I just hate not being who I was before....

I am putting it out there to my readers I know I have some....even my friends who read this blog but don't want me to know.....

What do or would you do in my place when asked.....

How many children and/or why were you on leave???

You don't get over it, you just get through it. You don't get by it, because you can't get around it. It doesn't 'get better'; it just gets different.
Everyday... Grief puts on a new face...."
-Wendy Feireisen

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Little Wonders....

Tonight I was reading this BLOG: Lilys Amazing Grace and she had this song posted and as I listened to it...It seems like I was actually hearing the words for the first time. This Artist's has ALWAYS been one of my favorite one and to have a song that I knew all the words but never listen to hit in a way that I did not expect
Little Wonders

Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder
Don’t you know the hardest part is over?
Let it in, let your clarity define you
In the end we will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made in these small hours
These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours still remain

Let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you
Let is shine until you feel it all around you
And I don’t mind, if it’s me you need to turn to
We’ll get by, it’s the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made in these small hours
These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours still remain

All of my regret will wash away somehow
But I can not forget the way I feel right now
In these small hours
These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate
Yeah, these twists and turns of fate

Time falls away, yeah but these small hours
And these small hours still remain, yeah
Oh they still remain
These little wonders, oh these twists and turns of fate

Time falls away but these small hours
These little wonders still remain

-Rob Thomas
Little Wonders

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Day 114 of this Journey..

My halls wrapper last night
Today I had to call in sick which for me does not happen...I go to work regardless but with no voice and running a fever I had to throw in the towel...this has given me sometime to think. The last few days I have finally been able to catch up on some of the baby loss blogs I read and when doing so I was shocked to read a few of them are pregnant again...the losses are within weeks of mine so I think of them as so very recent. Now I am so not judging them at all the shock comes from my obsession that we don't get pregnant right now...I don't want a baby born anywhere close to Emmie's birth date. I can't imagine having a newborn and dealing with her one year birthday. I have also been wavering I am so sad that I have had to come along this path but what I am not sad about are the women I am meeting...wishing that none of us had to deal with the death of a child but amazed at the strength that we all have to pick up and try to go forward.

Always trying to put a smile on my face
Moving forward for me in some cases seems like I am going back to my old life when it was the three of us...with having a daughter that is turning 7 in August some days I forget that there "should be" a almost 4 month old here. It was been just us for so long that some days it seems like we are were we where a year ago...I only wish we were....This time last year we had just gotten back from a fantastic vacation in Vegas and had decided to start trying for a second...Who would have predicted where that decision would lead us. I am starting to wavier if we should even try for a second child...some days I have this strong overwhelming need for it and other days I just want to avoid the hassle (all the extra appointments etc), the worry and most importantly the stress of the unknown of.....as Cat puts it " if we are LUCKY enough to have another baby" .

By the way in what world should an almost 7 year old think of having a sibling as being LUCKY enough...this journey has taken us all along a path that I am still struggling with...some of my struggles are still with the anger I feel and some of it is directed at the fact that I truly have an amazingly loving daughter who should be proud to wear her big sister shirt and not hid it away in her closet as she does not want any questions about her "little sibling".

My first Friday back was BLUE Water day...which was awesome
After all my apprehension about going back to work it has been pretty darn amazing other then catching this nasty cold...it would have to happen on a week were we are just getting the routines down pat and figuring out are places, as well as the week that we have a managers meeting tomorrow so I am now out of the branch 2 days this week and I have so many little things I wanted to get done this week that are simply not going to happen. Which would have stressed me out in the past now I am simply taking it day by day...I have enough on my plate being a single mom and having my house on the market for sale, I don't need to add to my plate.

My nephew PJ
 My nephew was over on Sunday and for the first time.... I actually interacted with him and watched him for a few minutes...am so not up to babysitting him but I am okay with being around him I even when and got the Bumbo I had bought off my friend K to have him sit in it....I am finding that I can only think of Emmie as a baby and not where she should be age wise and I think it is because I won't let myself imagine her any older...although the amount of infants that come into my branch are hard for me...I try to simply avoid them but it is not easy...same as when I am trying to do something and I say I was on a leave....and get asked what kind...so I say medical....then leave it like that...I am sure people are imaging the worse like cancer etc but honestly I would rather that then have to tell my story because as much as I don't have a problem talking about it to my friends, family members or coworkers I don't need anymore "I am so sorry" I know that they are only doing what they can but I still hate that phrase.

I do have to note that I now have 2 women in my life that I Adore that have both faced breast cancer more then once and it has made me realize that we truly do all have paths in life we are taken down and sometime these paths have us battling for our lives or battling to deal with grief that is like a huge mountain...

Monday, June 11, 2012


Yes I have been....and I am sorry...life has become unbelievably crazy. Since we got back from Calgary we have been busy getting our house ready for sale as well as getting ready for Mariusz to leave, me to go back to work and for Cat's early birthday party...INSANE is what I am to attempt to deal with all of these.

I was beyond anxious about going back to work and for the most part it has been WAY better then I thought it would be...I work with some amazing staff. I am struggling with not being as confident as I was before I left and most of that has to do with the fact that I am learning my role, but due to change in hours I no longer have another manager to bounce ideas off of like I did...I will get there just not as fast as I want to. I managed the first 2 days on no sleep so it was an exhausting week, I am wishing I would have taken a sleeping aid on Monday night as I was up every few hours like it was when we first started on this loss journey.
The house is almost ready for showing....we had a ton of touch ups and there are still some that Mariusz needs to complete, as we simply ran out of time. I also need to really start packing up my closet as well as Cat's closet and thankfully have some boxes to finally get a move on it.

Mariusz left yesterday to drive the 10 hours to Calgary and started his new job today.  I am thankful that he has been able to come up with a way to fly home on the weekends for the rest of the month. He is going to work for his old company on Saturdays, this will give us enough money to pay for his flight and allow us a day to spend as a family...even if it means I have to pick up at the airport at 11 pm Friday night. This will give us some time to adjust to our new way of life and most importantly allow me to have some help with the last touch ups that we need to complete.

Yesterday, we had Cat's 7th Birthday at the park, I stupidly allowed her to invite over 40 kids, her classmates, neighbourhood friends as well as friends of the family as we are not having a birthday party in August as it is just too much work for me. We had a total of 28 kids and it was insane thank goodness for my neighbours, their three girls and a handful of parents that stuck around it was crazy but the kids had a fantastic time and it is done for another year.
SO that is what is happening on the life front....on the emotional front, I broke down Friday night after a long week of little sleep, stressed about the party, the work to be done on the house and working..it all came out. The good thing is that once this happened I felt so much better and after Mariusz did some serious super dad stuff on Saturday and Sunday it has made me much calmer. I also decided to ask my cleaning lady to come in today and scrub the house down and to come once a week so I can try to decrease the anxiety I was having about trying to manage it all with Cat.

I am still missing my Emmie, sometimes more then I ever thought I could....but fortunately or unfortunately my life has had to go on full force and I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other...Tomorrow is my second week back and a mixed up week with only one late shift and the rest early so I had better get Cat and I to bed, that is after I make sure the house is still perfect since our realtor is coming tomorrow to take pictures....

A beautiful Heartbreak....one way to look at this Journey

Friday, June 1, 2012

Lost For Words

"June 2012 - Lost For Words" Photographic Prints by CarlyMarie | RedBubble:

Day 91

This song was sent to me by one of my mom's friends...wow...The last line of the song sums up my feelings....

"Maybe you were needed up there but we're still unaware as why"

Here are the Lyrics:

"Small Bump"

[Verse 1:]
You're just a small bump unborn, in four months you're brought to life,
You might be left with my hair, but you'll have your mother's eyes,
I'll hold your body in my hands, be as gentle as I can, but for now your scan of my unmade plans,
A small bump in four months, you're brought to life
[another version:] A small bump in four months, you'll open your eyes

I'll whisper quietly, I'll give you nothing but truth,
[another version:] I'll hold you tightly, I'll give you nothing but truth,
If you're not inside me, I'll put my future in you

You are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
Oh, you are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
And you'll be alright.

[Verse 2:]
You're just a small bump unknown, you'll grow into your skin.
With a smile like hers and a dimple beneath your chin.
Finger nails the size of a half grain of rice,
And eyelids closed to be soon opened wide
A small bump, in four months you'll open your eyes.

And I'll hold you tightly, I'll give you nothing but truth,
[another version:] And I'll hold you tightly, I'll tell you nothing but truth,
If you're not inside me, I'll put my future in you

You are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
Oh, you are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
And you'll be alright.

[Verse 3:]
You can lie with me,
With your tiny feet
When you're half asleep,
I'll leave you be.
Right in front of me
For a couple weeks
So I can keep you safe.

'Cause you are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
You are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
And you'll be alright.

[Verse 4:]
You were just a small bump unborn just four months then torn from life.
Maybe you were needed up there but we're still unaware as why.

I was so impressed with this song as this guy is more mainstream then ones I have seen in the past. It is on days when someone sends me a song, a saying, a quote or posts something on their wall, that makes me realize as alone as I feel sometimes in the journey I have friends and family members that still have us in their thoughts and prayers, making me so thankful as we continue on this journey that is our new normal.