DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Workout Playlists and friends

Tonight I was hitting the elliptical as I do every Thursday as Cat has basketball, it makes the class more deal able for me. I hate sitting and watching her sports with other parents, I am so not ready for the question " Is Cat your only child....". For me this solves my problem, I can workout while Cat is in her class and watch her while she is doing it.   Anyways back on topic...I always have my ishuffle with me and when I originally did it some of the music were just songs I liked, I went back a few weeks later and changed it all up so that I would have more upbeat songs as I really need them to get over my give up stages (I have to talk myself into going harder especially during cardio). I was super happy with my mix until today when I am on the elliptical and about half way through the song My Wish by Rascal Flatts played, now my Ishuffle is cheap so you can't skip songs so here I am struggling to keep it together because this song means more now then it ever did. This song use to simply say what I want for Cat and all my children I ever thought I would have...while one of them is never going to experience of them...which is what got me chocked up. My Wishes/hopes for Emelina are no longer going to ever happen...that is what SUCKS about an infant loss, our dreams for them are gone...I know I posted this earlier but it is so true to my feelings tonight:

When we bury the old,
we bury the known past,
the past we imagine sometimes better than it was,
but the past all the same,
a portion of which we inhabited.
Memory is the overwhelming theme,
the eventual comfort.
But burying infants,
we bury the future,
unwieldy and unknown,
full of promise and possibilities,
outcomes punctuated by our rosy hopes.
The grief has no borders,
no limits,
no known ends
and the little infant graves
that edge the corners and fence rows of every cemetery
are never quite big enough to contain that grief.
Some sadnesses are permanent.
Dead babies do not give us memories.
They give us dreams.

-- Thomas Lynch, in The Compassionate Friends
Tidewater Chapter Newsletter, Volume 3, Issue
Every day I wake up every morning wishing that the past few months are just  a nightmare, that somehow this new normal is not MY NORMAL. What makes me get through the days is reminding myself that I am 1 in 160 women that experiences stillbirth but most importantly that if my friend G, can fight her never ending battle with cancer (she is in remission but her whole life is focused on what the next test is going to say, and what the next phase is...)I can deal with this devastating loss. My friend G, said at our last dinner how strong I am, and to be honest I feel she is the strong one..me I am the one just putting one foot in front of the other. She was so very ill and fought back for her, her kids and her wonderful husband.  My friend G, is someone that was put on my path 3 years ago I think...maybe 4 I can't remember, I meet her through my work, she was coming back to work after her sick leave and I had the wonderful opportunity to retrain her. She has taught me what strength means and how to fight back no matter how hard it gets.My friend G, my friend S and I make an odd group...all differing ages and to be honest I shake my head at how different we are but I am truly blessed to have them.

 I am always shocked at the women who I have joined me on this path of grieving and so very happy (an odd phrase but I am not sure what else to say) we all have issues in our lives, and they have taken the time to support me on this journey it makes me want to be strong, which makes me think of this song Stronger. This song is on my workout play list and I love it, it gives me the push for my workout and to be honest every day I hear it all I think about is how she is right..."what does not kill us makes us stronger" this I have said before.

Something for thought:


Wiley's Mommy said...

I know how you feel. There are many times I feel like I have to stop and look around the room to see if this is really my new life. Hoping it was all a dream. I guess sometimes I allow myself to forget for a second. Wish it wasn't under these circumstances, but I'm glad to have you ladies.

Tesha said...

That song is on my workout playlist also :) I am happy to hear you have support! I love the Mother Teresa quote!