DISCLAIMER

DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Thoughts

Sunday was International Beavered Mother's Day, it is a day no Mother wants to be part of....and it made me think how truly life changing February 20th, 2012 was when we were told there was no heart beat. Not only am I on a journey I HATE, but I am part of a group of women and men who's life's were changed. I have read many, many blogs, the ones I have attached to my page are only a few of the ones I follow...and the ones I have the hardest (emotional wise) times with are the ones were Mom's know that their child is going to pass or have major problems and they continue to carry them...These women are truly selfless and so amazing, to do knowingly go through this process of a late term loss...WOW. I keep wondering would I be that strong to do it....I want to say yes but truly I am not sure.

 As I have written my goal for working out started for 2 reasons...one was to help with getting me out of my house and to help off set some of the depression that was starting and next one was to loss weight and get into better physical condition this one was 2 part one I wanted to fit into my work clothes as I knew I would be going back to work in June as well as I want to be in better shape when I get pregnant again. Yes pregnant again, I have known from week 3 of this journey that I want to try for another child, it scares me more then anything which is why  I have said that we will not try until after September (medically it is recommend to wait 6 months so that is what I ran with). 

I feel that if we don't try again I am never truly going to believe that it was not something I did. I have done so much research on cord accidents and looked into every decision I made food etc wise and I KNOW in my brain it WAS NOT MY FAULT but in my heart I wonder...
....did I complain too much....I was sick for 9 months (throw up 2 days before her last movement), my ankles started swelling big time over Christmas at about 20 weeks and got worse, my hips and back hurt constantly....
...did I drink too much caffeine...1-2 cups of black tea or a can of coke the odd day
...was it because i had to take Advil at the beginning because I was getting migraines almost daily until I started drinking my one tea day
...was it because I worked right up until the day...I was admitted to the hospital on my day off so we had to call the branch I was working at to tell them I was not coming back and rush to change all my paperwork and vacation etc
....was it because I planned it all too much.....
...because we had a shower for her 1 month before
....because her nursery was done....

I know in my brain it was none of these but they are always in the back of my mind...so are we going to plan a few things with this pregnancy...HELL yes I am a planner....will it be the same NOT at all...we are going to plan to start trying in August/September around the 6 month mark....I am going to be off at 30 weeks as we know more testing will be happening and why would I struggle to deal with work and appointments...there will be no showers, and no nursery set up. At a certain point we will clean the car seat and get a bag ready for the baby but that is it...I will do the rest when I get home with the baby and not before...the one thing we will do is find out what we are having as I was so happy to have 2 girls and if we are given a boy this time I want to prepare myself and will then have to deal with the massive amounts of girl clothes we have....


1 comment:

Tesha said...

I am glad to hear you will try again. We have always wanted a big family and I know lord willing we will have more...but it is really scary! I feel like you a lot also like it was something I did, be gentle with yourself, I am trying to do that. I hope to see you on the link-up tomorrow! I love the pretty picture from Fran's blog you shared.