DISCLAIMER

DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Right Where I Am 2012: 3 months, 2 weeks

I have elected to be part of a project that inventories were we are in our grieving process....Right Where she is...

Where am I....I feel like I am even forgetting I should have an infant...strange as it may seem but I do until we are with my sister or friends that have infants and it reminds me were I SHOULD BE...this weekend I through my first social gathering since the memorial tea and it was hard...I had stomach pains for the first part and found all the chaos too much which is strange since I am always for it. I have needed to start moving forward and I think I have until something happens to remind me that my life should be different.

My husband is moving in less then 2 weeks and it is easy for me to hide my sadness in the crazy life we have right now but something, something reminds me and yesterday it was on our way to visit a friend with an infant daughter that set me off and caused my whole day to be a rough one. We had to cancel at the last moment as on the way I completely broke down as I could not deal with a baby girl...Mariusz and Cat are going to visit them next week without me and it hurts. I was looking forward to this baby girl being born and 6 weeks later I can only look from afar...I know it is normal but it sucks beyond words. I want to support them  but all I can do is get out of bed in the morning and go about my day in a world that now has me avoiding friends, crying and has a huge whole in my heart.

I am still wondering WHY...I know that I will make this painful journey one that will make a difference in other women's lives but it is still not a journey that anyone of us want to be on. I know I am STRONGER then ever before and more dedicated to my FAMILY then ever before but still some days getting out of bed is still the hardest thing I have to do...

♥ “We are grieving, We are not contagious, We are not sad all the time, We laugh, We smile, We cry, We weep for being happy, We live, We talk, We feel, We come from every background, We are sad, we lost a baby, We are…” -Jennifer Davis ♥

11 comments:

still life angie said...

Oh, Dany, I am just so sorry that Emelina isn't with you. Three months was a very difficult time for me. The numbness wore off, and I just couldn't even fake normality. I love this quote you used--we are grieving. we are not contagious...that sums it up. Thank you for sharing where you are. Love to you as you navigate these days.

Hope's Mama said...

Playing the "should" game is so hard. I'm not sure when it gets easier, as I know at four years out (almost) I still do it myself.
So sorry you lost your Emelina. What a gorgeous name.
xo

Tesha said...

Big Hugs, it is a hard journey We are making it through.

Catherine W said...

It can be so painful, that sudden realisation of where we should be. I'm sorry that social gathering was tough and I hope that it will become easier for you in time.

I always feel that I was robbed for my joy in other people's babies too. Especially baby girls. I've always liked, and got so excited about babies, but I feel that has been taken from me. You're right, it sucks.

I'm sorry for the loss of your beautiful little Emelina, such a pretty name. I'm sorry that she is not here with your family, you and your husband and her big sister.

Arcadia said...

We are at the same stage in our loss (for me it has been two months, three weeks, one day - today). Getting out of bed and trying to live life is the hardest thing. I am so sorry that you are on this journey, but know that there are many others who travel with you. Reading the other posts on this linkup has been so helpful to me. Reading of where other Mothers are in their grief has given me perspective and understanding of my own journey. And seeing Mothers who are years ahead of me has given me sight into where I might go from here, and how I might get there. Thinking of you and your little Emelina..

Angela said...

I'm so sorry your Emelina is not here with you. I love her name, it's beautiful. 3 months was a difficult time for me. I too have played the what should I be doing game so many times. It's okay to isolate right now, tend to your heart and grief, take care of yourself.

Merry said...

Such a lovely name.

The should bit does get easier, or you get more practised, but it feels hard when it does. All this grief is so convoluted.

I am so sorry your daughter isn't with you. It is not fair.

Jessica said...

I am so sorry your daughter is not with you. I remember the rawness of the grief early on and sometimes that rawness comes back. Babyloss is tragic and I pray that your journey brings you peace along the way. Thank you for sharing <3

Amelia said...

I am so sorry. Light and love to you.

erica said...

I am so sorry your beautiful little Emelina isn't with you. Three months is so early, so new and still raw. I ache for you, trying to go about your day while carrying all of this with you.

So much love to you and your family.

Fireflyforever said...

I'm sorry that Emelina died. It sounds as though you have a lot of other infants in your family/social circle right now. I understand about the baby girls. After three and a half years, I am so much better around newborns than I was but I still find little girls harder than little boys - those "shoulds" you talk about.

I love the quote you ended with.