DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

My thoughts on being a parent....

This post is from a few days ago I am finally getting it written...too many late nights a list mile long has kept me from finishing it....

Last night while driving the 10 hours so that we could visit Calgary for the weekend to give us a much needed holiday as well as do some research on this city we have decided to move to.  I started to think about how we seem to be so busy judging both in whether parents are truly parents if they loss their child as well as how we each parent (oh mom's are always to easy to judge...for example the Stay at home Mother vs Working Mother...always a hot topic). 
I truly believe that we become mothers as soon as we get a positive sign on the pregnancy test as we automatically stop putting our selves first...whether that be giving up caffeine, stopping smoking, drinking and many other things we as mother's do...I had 9 months of morning sickness and stopped eating all meat other then chicken to help decrease the occurrences of the "all day" sickness.  We are all trying to do the best thing for what works for our families, one of my friends choose to raise her children as vegetarian as she has some strong views on the meat processing industry. She has never once judged us for being "meat eaters".

 I sometimes thinks that Cat watches to much TV as some nights we are so tired from work or just have TO DO lists that are miles long and some how they need to get done. I have friends who brag about their children never watching TV or movies and I wonder why do we need to brag...does it really matter in the big view of life...We are a very active family once heat hits we are out biking, hiking, swimming you name it we are outside, my niece is not raised at all like that she spends most of her inside doing crafts as that is what my sister LOVES to do.

Going through this journey I have found that being judged is a very unfortunate part of it. I read an status of an fellow (BLM) Baby Loss Mom about how someone was judging her on her grief and it upset me so much...but then I had to think that I could have been that person judging not that I would have ever posted it but I may have thought it.

It is so easy to think that you are a perfect parent, as well as that your grief would be over sooner...to be honest I think on the outside it looks like I may have it all together but to be honest I am dealing with some anxiety about the changes happening as well as going back to work...I have it all worked out in my head but I don't feel like I can trust my plans anymore...I have one week before I go back to work and have made it clear to my wonderfully worried husband that if after the first week I am still struggling I will go to the Doctor. His work start date has been pushed back so he is going to be here for my first week so that is a relief for me. I think it could be what I feel like all the time when I start something new but I am not sure anymore...I have read many many blogs and know that some mom's are having a harder time it breaks my heart...I sometimes think that I should be like them but to be honest I can't be like that I need to be me and that means moving on..not forgetting but moving forward and looking at what my family needs...A mom/wife that laughs and is with them not faking it...

Going to through a devastating loss it makes one re-evaluate what is important..it has made me realize even more so that we really have no right to judge we should support and offer advice when ASKED....this should be interesting to me as we have one family friend that drives me INSANE with her lecturing and opinions, I have avoid this friend but will be at a couple of social events in the next few weeks...will I lose it? or will I ignore it? or will I finally tell her to back off? Not sure yet.

1 comment:

Tesha said...

I thin you are so right I have to say Jonathan has opened my eyes to many things! A judgmental heart is a sad heart because it always assumes it is being judged. I love that BLM can have totally different experiences but choose to not judge but just support each other. Great honest post! Saying a prayer for you as you deal with upcoming changes.