DISCLAIMER

DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Emotions...

Looks like I missed posting this....

From May 30...

It seems like my emotions are so close to the surface and this is something so new for me I am usually so much more contained...not so much more. In the past few days I have had tears falling while listening to the radio, reading facebook status and watching TV commericals...

I know that some it has to do with the MAJOR upheavel that is happening with my husband leaving in 2 weeks and me trying despretely to clean out the closets and prep the rooms for sale... master bed and bathroom are ready for paint, Cat's room, the Bookroom, and other bathroom are all cleaned out just missing a few details like wall hangings. I am going to try to get the main floor done tomorrow leaving the office and garage for last.  Add into this all that I go back to work on Tuesday...

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

My daily thought,,,,,

Right Where I Am 2012: 3 months, 2 weeks

I have elected to be part of a project that inventories were we are in our grieving process....Right Where she is...

Where am I....I feel like I am even forgetting I should have an infant...strange as it may seem but I do until we are with my sister or friends that have infants and it reminds me were I SHOULD BE...this weekend I through my first social gathering since the memorial tea and it was hard...I had stomach pains for the first part and found all the chaos too much which is strange since I am always for it. I have needed to start moving forward and I think I have until something happens to remind me that my life should be different.

My husband is moving in less then 2 weeks and it is easy for me to hide my sadness in the crazy life we have right now but something, something reminds me and yesterday it was on our way to visit a friend with an infant daughter that set me off and caused my whole day to be a rough one. We had to cancel at the last moment as on the way I completely broke down as I could not deal with a baby girl...Mariusz and Cat are going to visit them next week without me and it hurts. I was looking forward to this baby girl being born and 6 weeks later I can only look from afar...I know it is normal but it sucks beyond words. I want to support them  but all I can do is get out of bed in the morning and go about my day in a world that now has me avoiding friends, crying and has a huge whole in my heart.

I am still wondering WHY...I know that I will make this painful journey one that will make a difference in other women's lives but it is still not a journey that anyone of us want to be on. I know I am STRONGER then ever before and more dedicated to my FAMILY then ever before but still some days getting out of bed is still the hardest thing I have to do...

♥ “We are grieving, We are not contagious, We are not sad all the time, We laugh, We smile, We cry, We weep for being happy, We live, We talk, We feel, We come from every background, We are sad, we lost a baby, We are…” -Jennifer Davis ♥

Thursday, May 24, 2012

My thoughts on being a parent....

This post is from a few days ago I am finally getting it written...too many late nights a list mile long has kept me from finishing it....

Last night while driving the 10 hours so that we could visit Calgary for the weekend to give us a much needed holiday as well as do some research on this city we have decided to move to.  I started to think about how we seem to be so busy judging both in whether parents are truly parents if they loss their child as well as how we each parent (oh mom's are always to easy to judge...for example the Stay at home Mother vs Working Mother...always a hot topic). 
I truly believe that we become mothers as soon as we get a positive sign on the pregnancy test as we automatically stop putting our selves first...whether that be giving up caffeine, stopping smoking, drinking and many other things we as mother's do...I had 9 months of morning sickness and stopped eating all meat other then chicken to help decrease the occurrences of the "all day" sickness.  We are all trying to do the best thing for what works for our families, one of my friends choose to raise her children as vegetarian as she has some strong views on the meat processing industry. She has never once judged us for being "meat eaters".

 I sometimes thinks that Cat watches to much TV as some nights we are so tired from work or just have TO DO lists that are miles long and some how they need to get done. I have friends who brag about their children never watching TV or movies and I wonder why do we need to brag...does it really matter in the big view of life...We are a very active family once heat hits we are out biking, hiking, swimming you name it we are outside, my niece is not raised at all like that she spends most of her inside doing crafts as that is what my sister LOVES to do.

Going through this journey I have found that being judged is a very unfortunate part of it. I read an status of an fellow (BLM) Baby Loss Mom about how someone was judging her on her grief and it upset me so much...but then I had to think that I could have been that person judging not that I would have ever posted it but I may have thought it.

It is so easy to think that you are a perfect parent, as well as that your grief would be over sooner...to be honest I think on the outside it looks like I may have it all together but to be honest I am dealing with some anxiety about the changes happening as well as going back to work...I have it all worked out in my head but I don't feel like I can trust my plans anymore...I have one week before I go back to work and have made it clear to my wonderfully worried husband that if after the first week I am still struggling I will go to the Doctor. His work start date has been pushed back so he is going to be here for my first week so that is a relief for me. I think it could be what I feel like all the time when I start something new but I am not sure anymore...I have read many many blogs and know that some mom's are having a harder time it breaks my heart...I sometimes think that I should be like them but to be honest I can't be like that I need to be me and that means moving on..not forgetting but moving forward and looking at what my family needs...A mom/wife that laughs and is with them not faking it...

Going to through a devastating loss it makes one re-evaluate what is important..it has made me realize even more so that we really have no right to judge we should support and offer advice when ASKED....this should be interesting to me as we have one family friend that drives me INSANE with her lecturing and opinions, I have avoid this friend but will be at a couple of social events in the next few weeks...will I lose it? or will I ignore it? or will I finally tell her to back off? Not sure yet.


Sunday, May 20, 2012

A first...

Tonight I had a laugh attack...and I mean it was an ATTACK....I laughed so hard that my stomach is still sore. What started it I have no idea but it continued for a good 10 minutes...It makes me think that our short little vacation was a much needed get away, even if it was just for me to finally laugh...



Friday, May 18, 2012

BIG BIG BIG CHANGES

I tried posting this last week but just could not get it to flow so here I am trying again....

After many weeks of waiting it is finally done...My husband has a new job in Calgary Alberta (about 10 hours east of were we live presently). This is something we have been looking into for the past year. The money that my husband can make out in Alberta is so much greater then here in the Fraser Valley. I originally thought that I would be dealing with our house, Cat and an infant, but be on Mat leave. Instead the same week Mariusz starts his job is the same week I go back to work. I am lucky that my mom will be able to help me out for the month of June this will give me enough time to find help for July and August. We have decided that come September Cat will be following Mariusz to Alberta....Mostly due to my crazy hours and 3 late nights. It makes way more sense as well as with my mom and dad there allowing Mariusz the support he needs as well as he is home earlier. I will follow once the house sells or when I hit 30 weeks if I end up becoming pregnant I will then move to be with them regardless of whether the house sells.

 Our townhouse will go up in the middle of January maybe the fall..I highly doubt it...I have to do all the decluttering etc myself and it is easy to decide what to get rid of not so easy to get rid of it... As well as we need to do some renovation on our townhouse as not much is moving in our area so to help it stand out we are going to upgrade the master bathroom and fix up the basement were our dog chewed the baseboards as a puppy. Since I found out last week I have been on a major declutter kick....I will sell some of our stuff but if I can give it away it will be done. With such a big move I am NOT moving anything that is not something we want....For the past 10 years Mariusz and I have been willing to take any ones freebies...we have 2 futons, 2 patio tables all kinds of toys etc...Basically lots of stuff...you should see our garage, so with this being a very expensive move I am downsizing huge....My thought is we can buy when we get there instead of paying tons to move it. So we are going to really be going with very little by the time I am done...I am even going to give away most of my plates etc...they are old and chipped so in my mind when I have a sold sticker on my house they will be donated.

These big changes are leaving me in a very odd position....I am very very PROUD of my amazing husband, this is an absolutely amazing opportunity that he has been dreaming about...he is going to be paid what he deserves and will get all the benefits he has always wanted. I wish I could follow him right away but between my job and the house it makes way more sense to do it this way. I know I am going to miss him and Cat when she goes but I truly think that this is the best for all of us....


It is funny since this job offer and speaking to my mom....I am thinking that I truly am going to follow my dream, I am going to work on the behind the scene (the paperwork to establish the foundation in Emelina's honor) as soon as I have my hubby ready to go...As I think I am ready to get out of the "rat" race and finally be able to set my own hours allowing me to be there for Cat and hopefully another child in the future...I have always dreamed it but have been afraid to do so always wanting that steady pay cheque. This journey has really made me see that I can achieve anything I put my mind to and is making me realize what is truly important in life. Don't get me wrong I love my job but with a young family the hours are tough as Cat will be going to bed as I am getting home. This summer I am going to do one thing on my two days off with my girl and that is focus on her and what she wants to do...I have a feeling that is going include many, many beach days, as well as water slide days as those are her favorite summertime things.




Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Mother's Day Recap

I really wanted to avoid and ignore Mother's day this year but it is very hard to do that when Cat was over the moon excited with what she had made at school. My day started with a healthly breakfast of toast and fruit made by Cat and her gifts, a rock painted as a lady bug, a tea pot card with a tea bag and a box of her toys that she was giving me, she is quite a sweetheart.

I spent the rest of the day doing what I wanted to which was hiking up to Lindeman Lake...I have had tons of friends do it and decided that we should do it, so my 18 year old brother and Mom joined us in our trek. We had a fantastic time with only a few injuries...Cat feel right at the beginning and scraped her knee, I have weak ankles and rolled it and feel...nothing but a few scraps for me and the injury that topped the all was my crazy husband decided to climb up a rock and fell....bruised his had and scrapped his ankle quite good. It was such a peaceful day, we ended up finishing it up with a trip to DQ and then dinner which I made using up some leftovers and chicken thighs.

Over all it was a better day then I thought it would be...I got a sweet text from my friend K as well as a few nice messages from friends on Emelina's Memory Page on Facebook. I am so thankful to have such considerate friends. I am struggling with thought that I need to be more upset then I am...I am not avoiding my feeling or am forgetting about Emmie, I am just finding that with the craziness of our lives right now that my sadness is not the focus right now...not sure if that means it is being but on the back burner or if simply it is starting to decrease.

 Here are some pictures of our wonderful day:
On the way to our hike

At the start (missing my mom)
Cleaning up Cat's scraps


Mariusz and Cat hanging out in the rocks



A butterfly came to visit and landed on Mariusz

Mom, Cat and the Mad Dog along the trail
Mariusz's scrap

Last but not least...My Mom aka Nan and Cat



 

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mother's Day

I have had many different ideas about what to write about this weekend and finally today as I was driving to my friend J's for a yummy lunch it hit me....In the past 7 I have viewed Mother's Day as a day for me, so we have dinner on the Saturday with my Mother in Law and my Mom, so that on Mother's Day I get to do what I want to do...some years this is brunch, a picnic with a friends family at the lake, sometimes just sleeping in...This year is so different for me I DO NOT want to celebrate or even acknowledge it....but Cat has worked so hard at school on a gift as well as has such big ideas on Mother's Day that I don't want to discourage her.

What I want to celebrate are the women in my life that are making a difference in big and small ways....These women are not all mothers but women who constantly make time to help me along my journey...

The first is my Mom....she is an amazing women who has raised 5 children...last one graduates in just under 2 months she has someone in school for 26 years.....that is alot of years of education. She has been with us since day one of our journey is always willing to take Cat and Mad dog so we can have a break and is a large reason why we have made some of the big decisions in our life.

My friend K, who knew answering a thread looking for running partners I would meet such an amazing women (her husband S isn't bad either :-)) she is always willing to listen to my crazy thoughts. Her support through this is a huge reason why I have not gone off the deep end. She also has some pretty cute kids that I adore as there were my niece and nephews.
My Friend J, 4.5 year ago I started working for my company and this amazingly brilliant women taught me all of her tricks...she also lives in Chilliwack and although we don't always get to visit enough both her and her husband are amazingly generous people. She has provided an objectivity to my journey allowing me to understand how people on the outside can sometimes feel lost.
My friend S,what can I say 4.5 years ago I started at a new branch and met S, I never expected someone my mom's age could be such an amazing friend...She brings an experienced  perspective to all my parenting challenges and through this journey is here for whatever I need. Lunch, dinner or a coffee date to do her tax returns (LOL). She also has some amazing daughters, one that is most trusted hairdresser, one that lives abroad who's pictures I love to check out and the youngest one that works for a local Credit Union and has a love for cooking that S always has a story about.

My Neighbour S, since they moved in 6 years ago this family has become our biggest support, whether it is walking Mad Dog, or grabbing Cat off the bus I am late...S and the family are always here for us. Makes me never want to leave....
My friend G, when I started at the Chilliwack branch G was on a medical leave all I had ever heard were S's stories about G and how amazing she was...so when I was asked to trainer her when she came back from medical leave I was so excited...G has had so many many obstacles in her life and is so amazingly positive and a fighter. As I go through my journey of grief I think of her and how her life is constantly in question....my fight is no life or death hers is and if she can do it so can I....This women is truly someone I look up to...
My husband's friend A, she and her husband have been trying for years to have a baby and are struggling and every day has her own struggles and she still sat with me one evening and let me talk about the loss...I can't even image what pain she goes through every month but what I can tell you I understand what that Mother's Day is as painful for me as it is for her...wanting to be a mom and your body not allowing it.

My friend D, one of my many mom friends whose support simply with kind words and always looking to have a good times at our "games" nights makes so I can enjoy myself and smile once in awhile...
My Aunt L, she is always has a supportive word to say when I am need it on my weight loss journey, a corny saying as her status or stories of her son that remind me of Cat...She is crazy (she proved it by sky diving last weekend) but her home is always open for us to visit and I know she and my uncle are always just a phone call away.

My grandma aka Tata... is always a phone call or email away for any help or support I need. She and I have not always seen eye to eye but what else do you get when we are both strong women. In her life time she has achieved many success' and had some hurt as well but one can never fault her for the love she has for her family.

My Grandma (mama) passed away 9 years ago this July, she has been missed since the day she left us and is part of the reason I am able to have a little bit of comfort in Emelina's passing as I know she is taking care of by beautiful little girl. Every day I wish my girl was with me but knowing that she has one of the most giving and loving woman to hold her makes it a little bit easier.

My cousin K, she is one amazing young women, she lost her mom at a very young age and has had some family struggles but this women makes me so proud every day to be related to her...she is soo much more then my cousin but my sister. She has taken every challenge and faced it...she is working her way through a degree in science...she is not stopping at a degree no this women is going for her masters I believe last time she was here it was possible her PHD as well. She has a huge heart for those closest to her and every time I think of her Mother (my aunt) I remember her smile and love her babies. Her Mom, is another small bit of why I know Emelina is truly in a good place, not where I want her...

When I started this journey I had no idea that some of my  friends would not join me and as much as it hurt when I realized this last month I also realized that the women who have joined me are truly selfless women, I am not a person who generally asks for much but with these women I have never asked they have just been there. There are so many more women, who have had lunch with me, written messages, posted pictures, told me their loss stories,  have written comments here with words of support and wisdom. Whether you have a child in your arms, your heart or are an amazing women providing support to me THANK YOU....you are what makes waking up at little bit easier as well as make me appreciate that this journey I am on may leave a HUGE hole in my heart but it makes me realize how incredible special it is to have so many women care about me.

So this Mother's Day I am going to honour all the women who have made a lasting impact on my life because to be honest these Women are shaping me which in turn is going to make me a better person and Mother. I ask all my readers to do the same....to remember that as women we need to support each other and a simple message, email or phone call will make a big difference.


Here are some pictures through the years with my very special girl, Cat:

I have very few pictures of 2005- 2007 on my computer as they are all burnt to DVD but this is what I found


August 2006



August 2007



May 2008

April 2009


May 2010


May 2011


January 2012 with both my girls (30 weeks)


Emelina's Hand (Feb 2012)





Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Monday, May 7, 2012

Thoughts

Sunday was International Beavered Mother's Day, it is a day no Mother wants to be part of....and it made me think how truly life changing February 20th, 2012 was when we were told there was no heart beat. Not only am I on a journey I HATE, but I am part of a group of women and men who's life's were changed. I have read many, many blogs, the ones I have attached to my page are only a few of the ones I follow...and the ones I have the hardest (emotional wise) times with are the ones were Mom's know that their child is going to pass or have major problems and they continue to carry them...These women are truly selfless and so amazing, to do knowingly go through this process of a late term loss...WOW. I keep wondering would I be that strong to do it....I want to say yes but truly I am not sure.

 As I have written my goal for working out started for 2 reasons...one was to help with getting me out of my house and to help off set some of the depression that was starting and next one was to loss weight and get into better physical condition this one was 2 part one I wanted to fit into my work clothes as I knew I would be going back to work in June as well as I want to be in better shape when I get pregnant again. Yes pregnant again, I have known from week 3 of this journey that I want to try for another child, it scares me more then anything which is why  I have said that we will not try until after September (medically it is recommend to wait 6 months so that is what I ran with). 

I feel that if we don't try again I am never truly going to believe that it was not something I did. I have done so much research on cord accidents and looked into every decision I made food etc wise and I KNOW in my brain it WAS NOT MY FAULT but in my heart I wonder...
....did I complain too much....I was sick for 9 months (throw up 2 days before her last movement), my ankles started swelling big time over Christmas at about 20 weeks and got worse, my hips and back hurt constantly....
...did I drink too much caffeine...1-2 cups of black tea or a can of coke the odd day
...was it because i had to take Advil at the beginning because I was getting migraines almost daily until I started drinking my one tea day
...was it because I worked right up until the day...I was admitted to the hospital on my day off so we had to call the branch I was working at to tell them I was not coming back and rush to change all my paperwork and vacation etc
....was it because I planned it all too much.....
...because we had a shower for her 1 month before
....because her nursery was done....

I know in my brain it was none of these but they are always in the back of my mind...so are we going to plan a few things with this pregnancy...HELL yes I am a planner....will it be the same NOT at all...we are going to plan to start trying in August/September around the 6 month mark....I am going to be off at 30 weeks as we know more testing will be happening and why would I struggle to deal with work and appointments...there will be no showers, and no nursery set up. At a certain point we will clean the car seat and get a bag ready for the baby but that is it...I will do the rest when I get home with the baby and not before...the one thing we will do is find out what we are having as I was so happy to have 2 girls and if we are given a boy this time I want to prepare myself and will then have to deal with the massive amounts of girl clothes we have....


Garden and Backyard Renovations

This weekend we spent all day Sunday in my backyard. I started with scrubbing the deck and cleaning as well as planting my pots, afterwards I moved on to the back yard and planting Emmie's garden. I found a cool butterfly to put in it and once I get the Lego reorganization complete (yes a week later and we are still working on it), Cat and I are going to make a garden stepping stone to complete it. For the past 3 years I have wanted to edge our cedars with something to make it look nicer and finally yesterday we did it. Originally I just wanted Mariusz to dig it up but he figured why stop so we did it all...the only thing left is to get dirt but our place is closed on Sundays so next Saturday he is going to get a truck load of dirt and manure. We were so exhausted but so very happy with the results.

The Before:



The After


Emelina's Garden Before:


The After:




I am going to see about adding a few more butterfly items but need to get out to some garden stores.


Sunday, May 6, 2012

A Day No Mom's wants to be part of......

Wishing a peaceful International Bereaved Mothers Day (Sunday May 6th) to all the Mother's out there who have lost a baby or a child. ♥ (((Hugs)))


Thursday, May 3, 2012

Workout Playlists and friends

Tonight I was hitting the elliptical as I do every Thursday as Cat has basketball, it makes the class more deal able for me. I hate sitting and watching her sports with other parents, I am so not ready for the question " Is Cat your only child....". For me this solves my problem, I can workout while Cat is in her class and watch her while she is doing it.   Anyways back on topic...I always have my ishuffle with me and when I originally did it some of the music were just songs I liked, I went back a few weeks later and changed it all up so that I would have more upbeat songs as I really need them to get over my give up stages (I have to talk myself into going harder especially during cardio). I was super happy with my mix until today when I am on the elliptical and about half way through the song My Wish by Rascal Flatts played, now my Ishuffle is cheap so you can't skip songs so here I am struggling to keep it together because this song means more now then it ever did. This song use to simply say what I want for Cat and all my children I ever thought I would have...while one of them is never going to experience of them...which is what got me chocked up. My Wishes/hopes for Emelina are no longer going to ever happen...that is what SUCKS about an infant loss, our dreams for them are gone...I know I posted this earlier but it is so true to my feelings tonight:


When we bury the old,
we bury the known past,
the past we imagine sometimes better than it was,
but the past all the same,
a portion of which we inhabited.
...
Memory is the overwhelming theme,
the eventual comfort.
But burying infants,
we bury the future,
unwieldy and unknown,
full of promise and possibilities,
outcomes punctuated by our rosy hopes.
The grief has no borders,
no limits,
no known ends
and the little infant graves
that edge the corners and fence rows of every cemetery
are never quite big enough to contain that grief.
Some sadnesses are permanent.
Dead babies do not give us memories.
They give us dreams.

-- Thomas Lynch, in The Compassionate Friends
Tidewater Chapter Newsletter, Volume 3, Issue
Every day I wake up every morning wishing that the past few months are just  a nightmare, that somehow this new normal is not MY NORMAL. What makes me get through the days is reminding myself that I am 1 in 160 women that experiences stillbirth but most importantly that if my friend G, can fight her never ending battle with cancer (she is in remission but her whole life is focused on what the next test is going to say, and what the next phase is...)I can deal with this devastating loss. My friend G, said at our last dinner how strong I am, and to be honest I feel she is the strong one..me I am the one just putting one foot in front of the other. She was so very ill and fought back for her, her kids and her wonderful husband.  My friend G, is someone that was put on my path 3 years ago I think...maybe 4 I can't remember, I meet her through my work, she was coming back to work after her sick leave and I had the wonderful opportunity to retrain her. She has taught me what strength means and how to fight back no matter how hard it gets.My friend G, my friend S and I make an odd group...all differing ages and to be honest I shake my head at how different we are but I am truly blessed to have them.

 I am always shocked at the women who I have joined me on this path of grieving and so very happy (an odd phrase but I am not sure what else to say) we all have issues in our lives, and they have taken the time to support me on this journey it makes me want to be strong, which makes me think of this song Stronger. This song is on my workout play list and I love it, it gives me the push for my workout and to be honest every day I hear it all I think about is how she is right..."what does not kill us makes us stronger" this I have said before.


Something for thought: