DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Monday, April 2, 2012

WOW...sometimes I wonder....

What a crazy few days...I keep saying it but wow...sometimes I feel busier now that I am off then when I was working....truthful it is not it is just that after one or two social interactions I am exhausted.  To all my friends that are waiting on me to plan a date...I will I am just hesitating to make myself too busy. Although I was silly enough to WAY over do the after school activities for my poor girl...baseball twice a week, skating, basketball and gymnastics....poor planning on my side. In my defence I forgot about baseball, skating and basketball are short activities that she likes and I thought would be good to review since it had been awhile since she had been in both. Add in that one of her best friends is taking gymnastics along with me getting tired of her doing cartwheels in the playroom I thought this was a good idea too. Oh well it is only for less then 6 weeks and then she will be left with baseball and gymnastics.

Now were does the WOW come in well...in the craziness of the past week I completed two hurdles..usually I focus on one per week but both of these hurdles were things I could not schedule....

One was the dentists office, why would this be a hurdle..well....we have been with this dentist for a long time...Mariusz has been with them for over 18 years, I have been with them for about 10 years and Cat has been going there since she was born. They have been through our wedding, my first pregnancy etc. The day we found out we had lost Emelina was the day we received an email with their congratulations on the pregnancy as Mariusz had just contacted them the week before to book appointments for cleaning etc. My mom had to do the horrible job of letting them know (she says that having to send out the emails and drop off the invitation to the Memorial Tea was one of the worst moments of her life...She says she has never made so many strangers cry). They were awesome the ladies in the office spoke to me to say they were sorry as well as to let us know they were thinking of us. And our dentist, well he is male but amazingly considerate. I, popped in to see what was up with Cat's teeth (proud to say her teeth are doing awesome...last time she had 5 small cavities so I am glad over a year later we have that all sorted out) and he just spoke to me about Cat's teeth because Cat was in the room. He did not want to upset her so he waited and spoke to Mariusz after we left as Mariusz had a 2 hour appointment.

My next hurdle was the United Way Awards Dinner...a little background I work for a large national bank, and for the past 2 years they have lent the United Way an employee to work for them for 16 weeks. In that 16 weeks you go out and help them achieve there yearly goal. Our goal for this year was the largest to date...$825, 000. I was chosen to work for them this year, when I was told 5 days before I started with them I would be working with them,I was deathly afraid that I would fail as well as wondered why I was being chosen. Well let me tell you I LOVED it, I meant some amazing women, Lori, Kelly, Michelle and Denise. Lori, was my "boss" but to be honest she is a women I strive to become like..she just blows me away with her strength. Kelly, is the office manager and had some awesome camping tips. The awards dinner was something that when I left in December I expected to be bring a baby too...so I knew this was going to be a HUGE challenge as my clients for the most part knew I was pregnant as well as I knew I would be seeing some of my coworkers for the first time since this all happened.

Well how did it go.....first off Kelly and Lori were kind enough to ask me to come early to set up as well as gave me work to do during the event to make it easier on me..I LOVE party planning and being in the background ensure an event goes off so this was the perfect job for me. We also had an 2 hour break so Kelly and I went to subway to grab a salad for a late lunch. While we ate she let me talk..funny everyone is so afraid to ask about what happened. I am so use to telling our "story" that I am totally okay with telling EVERYONE...and I love that people ask, so humbling to have so many people around us that care so much.

 I was able to speak to my boss and let me tell you...I work for an amazing company and more importantly feel so supported. He was telling me how there have been changes (some had just started when I left...we were just 2 days into them) and how they are short my position and when I said at this point I am looking at coming back in June but could think about moving it up...he stressed that I am to WAIT until I want to come back. He will have something for me when I am ready and to take care of myself and family. WOW was all I could think, make it much easier for me to focus on me and not worry about my career. I have worked hard for the past 4 years and want my momentum to continue....

This event the theme was 50's so they had some swing dancers (husband and wife) whom found me to tell me that Lori had been speaking to them and they too had a lost...there's was a 25 week one due to HELLP and how after there 3 pregnancy they have a beautiful 7 month old daughter. I was relieved to speak to them about there experiences as well as an answer question that I have been tossing around....

Should I join a loss group?? The one in Abbotsford for Women is full and I can look into another one but.....I feel okay for the most part, I have coffee with my friend K once a week and she has been a HUGE supporter and no matter how strange what I say... is she is okay with it (she actually says she has the same thoughts). I am looking into private counselling for Mariusz and I. Not that we have any issues relationship wise but mostly to help me with my jealously/anger towards my sister and Mariusz just to be sure he is okay with everything....as changes are on the horizon and I want him to be able to manage the changes.

Those events where only Wednesday and Thursday....I have more to write about Friday and Saturday but it is time to hit the bed as I have to hit the Gym early tomorrow as my friend S is coming over to do her taxes late morning tomorrow.

So my question to all you Loss Mom's out there.....Did you join a loss group? If not why?

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