DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

The "Should be's"

This what I am constantly thinking...what I should be doing....

I should be......

  • lacking in sleep
  • breastfeeding
  • juggling a newborn and a busy 6.5 year old
  • spending my free time cuddling with my little girl
  • driving my husband crazy shopping for cute girls clothes we don't "NEED"
  • worrying if she was getting enough food
  • wearing maternity clothes
  • wondering if I would get a shower today
  • struggling to make dinner
  • be going overboard in holiday planning

Instead What I am doing

  • Hitting the gym or the pool 4-5x a week
  • wearing all my Pre-pregnancy clothes
  • planning my back to work return in June
  • hiding out at Cat's activities so I don't have to deal with babies or other parents
  • getting 8-10 hours of sleep
  • just getting through the holidays
  • Wishing everyday that I have Emmie with us
  • Planning on going Zip lining in August with Cat for her 7th Birthday
  • Shortening our Summer plans since I am going back to work in June and have reduced holidays

Most days I am constantly thinking about what I should be doing...what I can tell you is the guilt that I am moving forward is less but my sadness is still strong. My husband mentioned the last time he say me be happy was weeks ago...to be exact 8 weeks...

8 weeks ago I had just finished the nursery and was getting ready to work my last 3 weeks of work...instead I was off 3 weeks early and left the hospital without my daughter. I would give up so many things to have her with us....every single silver lining moment is surrounded in sadness because I know I shouldn't be doing them.

8 weeks ago my life changed and it will NEVER be the same and the only thing that keeps be going forward is knowing that I can be strong and I will come out of this storm STRONGER, BETTER and THANKFUL....when that will be...who knows...but I do know I will come out....


Wiley's Mommy said...

Exactly 8 weeks ago today my life changed forever as well. I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious girl. My son was stillborn on February 17 at 32 weeks. I relate to everything you are saying. Thinking of you.

Brooke said...

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of Emelina. Both your girls have beautiful names. I remember all too well that weird feeling of nothing being "right" as I struggled to find a way to exist in a world where my daily routine no longer included the baby I loved and wanted so much. Wishing you love and light.

Dany Kal said...

Thank you both! Hugs to both of you!