DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Monday, April 30, 2012


I am sitting here surfing the net because Cat is grounded to her room due to taking money to school after I specifically told her not too and when I went to grab her for dinner she is sleeping....this could be a long night...and Mariusz is working late as his company was sold and they need to do inventory TODAY...usually this is a few day process not this time...I wonder when he will get home?

As I am surfing I am feeling so overwhelmed with sadness....I have had a super busy few days and it has snuck up on me...no matter how hard I try for a "normal" life it hits me....my life is not normal and I had a baby that did not live...I sometimes think I trick myself into thinking that we are okay and our life is back what it was a year ago....but it is not.   To compound things there could be some large changes coming...and it is all so very overwhelming for me....more about that if they actually happen. I have been thinking more about Mother's day and more about HOW much I am dreading it. I have no desire to celebrate being a Mother. We are most likely going to be heading out hiking rain or shine, something so different from most years..in the past we have done brunch, beach day with friends all kinds of things and most importantly ALWAYS hold a Mother's day BBQ the day before so we can celebrate with our Mom's the day before so Mother's Day is my day...no BBQ this year I have no desire to celebrate for entertain family.

As I write this post all I keep thinking is how I WANT MY LIFE BACK....I am starting to feel confident that I have been given this path to make a difference. The more people I speak to about my plans to establish a support foundation the more people support me and want to help...but to be honest I struggle with doing it as I would much rather have my little girl, and not be planning for another pregnancy in the future...

I am heading back to work in 5 weeks and the fear is starting to come as well as the dread that in July I have a yucky schedule of 11-7:30 3 days a week, a good shift on Fridays and work all day Saturday, I wonder if I made the right choice by gambling on the branch to work for...time will only tell. I am also dreading the long weekend...I did something silly and booked my daughters photo shoot for the Imagine Kids Book for the 3 month angelversary...when I did it I was simply looking at what would work not the date, now I am it is makes me soo very sad that Emmie is not in this book. When I signed up in January I signed them both up...I almost pulled out of it this year but decided that this is a fundraiser as the session fee is donated to the Make a wish foundation, that we would do it...as well as this photographer and his wife are amazingly sweet people that did the frame  of our hands with Emmies.

1 comment:

Tesha said...

I struggle with the same feeling, I am happy to meet mommies and have my eyes opened in a new compassionate way. However I would rather have Jonathan, of coarse. I think all we can do is the best we can with what we have. I know our babies will be proud that their life helped us to love and be better people. Hugs and prayers to you sweet mommy. Saying a prayer that mother's day would not be to bad.