DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Should I or shouldn't I

I have been sitting at the computer now for 2 hours debating whether I should write or go to bed since last night I got maybe 4 hours of sleep...I struggled last night to fall asleep it has been awhile and never that late...it had to be a day when I had plans at 9 am...oh well I figure I will sleep well tonight.

I am struggling to write because I am tired and keep debating whether or not to wait until tomorrow but here I go....... I have 3 things I want to get out:
The first is my frustration with people that complain about a lack of sleep with a newborn. Newborns don't sleep...I wish I was sleep deprived, we have friends who are first time parents who entertain Mariusz and frustrate me. When I had Cat Mariusz couldn't stay home with me to help past day 2 and it was the best thing for me. I had to learn how to manage it on my own, I am a planner so I had lunches and breakfasts made so I could eat one handed as well as had a deal with my hubby as long as the baby was cared for dinner was optional. We quickly fell into a routine of how I would get my sleep...sleeping when she did and at night between 11 pm and 4 am I was on my own....before and after until he left for work at 5 am he did what he could and I would feed. We have friends whom are both going on very little sleep because they don't divide and conquer they are both home right now...it may not work for everyone but for me who NEEDS sleep this was key... she did sleep for 6  hours straight from week 6 on.....I know how lucky I am.

**please note I am not judging at all what works for one family doesn't work for another, I just wish I had this problem **

The Second is I am presently researching stillborn support groups available for families in the Fraser Valley area in BC, Canada....to date we have 1 run through the hospice and 1 small local group....I want to make sure that this Journey has a purpose and hopeful it will change lives...I am very specific that I am looking for babies that are stillborn not miscarried and looking for away to support families...whether it be supporting them with funeral plans, the funeral homes provide the services for free, which is awesome but when it came to decorating it to look like a celebration because I was determined to celebrate/honour her, we had to do alot of leg work (meaning buying baby shower decorations) to get it done (I was okay with it...but it is not for everyone). I have had my midwifes come and visit to check on me...most women don't have this option...so many things that I have had to find or really search for. One thing I have found is the most common answer to my questions..Did you attend a support group and why did or did you not? the answer is I did not want to take on anyone else's grief....my answer I was too afraid to walk into a meeting...home visits or one on one I could do...

The Third is how the sadness just sneaks up on me...I had an wonderful tea date with my friend K, lunch with my hubby, stopped at Costco for a few quick things like yogurt and on the way home I was tearing up...here I was running errands planning dinners out and I shouldn't be.............it also hit me that I have 6 weeks...ONLY 6 weeks and alot of things to get done....I want to go back feeling like my house is organized so I can focus on my mental health...

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