DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Saturday, April 14, 2012


This is what I think every day I look at my calender...HOW many Hurdles do I have to get over this week...........

There are always at least 2 as much as I like to keep it to one, that does not seem to happen.

This week I had 2 hurdles, the first was going into one of my banks branches I have not walked into one since Emmie was born....I decided to do it this week as I had a bunch of mat clothes from one of the branch managers as well as Thank you cards I wanted to get out.  It was not too bad, I miss being in the know and working with the staff as well as clients. I have an official day back to work as well as next week will find out what branch I will be going to when I go back....before I left I was acting as a fill in and after being without a home for the past 8 months I will soon have a home, very excited to see where so I can start arranging child care options.

The second Hurdle was meeting my nephew....I knew that I had to get over this as soon because I just want to stop being afraid so I went to my mom's house (my sister lives with her) and had dinner. I did not hold him etc but I was in the room...which was good enough for me. To be honest I am not a super baby person so it is not surprising I would not be rushing to hold him...I much prefer babies when they are  4 months and over, they are more interactive.

 It was tough but I was okay with it, what I found was harder was the text we got from our friends A and S, there daughter had arrived. That was harder for me....because I wanted to be sending a text like that not having my husband call everyone 2 months earlier and tell them the "news".  I went up stairs shortly after to get some sleep and instead found my self crying....Wondering "WHY" we were on this journey.  I am not jealous or even mad at others for not having to go through this pain....because to be honest you NEVER know what is around the corner and things happen....does not have to happen in pregnancy it can happen after....life is never a guaranteed.  I also have to give it to her she was sick so she had to go through labour all natural...to much for me I like me some morphine to help with the pain.....

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