DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

The First Holiday

Someone asked me this week how I am doing and I said "sad" and she replied " I don't think that sadness is every going to go away..." .

This week has been a good week, I actually felt I had some control. But I am not close to being back to the super organized planner I once was... I have done what I have needed in shopping etc, today I was wrapping some small gifts for my friend K's family. To say thank you in a small way for the support they have given us. As well as wrapped up my niece and nephew's gift....I actually forgot to buy my nephew a gift and it wasn't until I was on the way home that I realized this and decided to give him the stuffy that Cat was going to get. I have no desire to even bother shopping for him...which is the opposite to how I was before. I am really struggling with the shopping a friend had offered to shop for me and in some ways I wish she had since he would have gotten something better then a stuffy.

We spent yesterday shopping and I did okay, Target was the worst place and that was simply because I couldn't stop looking at all the cute baby girl clothes....I so desperately want to be shopping for them... Today was something else, it started off fine with a workout and then off to an Easter Hunt by our house. In the past we have done another one but I knew I was going to struggle with this event and wanted one were we would be close to home, and were I wouldn't have to worry about anyone other then myself (no friends to socialize with...I was able to observe and focus my energy on just getting through this event). Afterwards, Mariusz stopped by the grocery store to pick up a steak to grill since it was so beautiful today and I headed to the dollar store to pick up some gift bags. Everything was going okay until I decided to get Emelina's  Memory Frame done tonight...

I have read and read about ways to honour her memory, but  I have a huge lack of motivation to do much of anything. I completed her memory frame tonight which is a bittersweet moment as this is what sent me in full out grieving mode,so much that an old friend called and  I couldn't even speak with him as I was way too emotional.  I knew this weekend was going to be hard, and was prepared to be sad and to cry but it still does not make me feel any better, it just re-enforces how much I hate this journey, and has me searching for WHY.

Many times people have said to me: " you are so strong, I don't know a person who could manage all of this but I know you will be able to manage" Please explain to me why I have to manage on this journey???why do I have to have such great sadness?? why do I need to experience such a huge broken heart?? WHY????  I know that: "EVERY THING HAPPENS FOR A REASON " and that "WE ARE ONLY GIVEN WHAT WE CAN MANAGE", but I am still struggling to understand WHY me???

Cat is so excited about Easter and hunting for Egg's and I am so not interested in any of it, I am just going through the motions. I want to be involved and happy but I can't bring myself to be HAPPY... I am thankful to have Mariusz be willing to be involved for both of us and understanding of why I can't be. We are suppose to go to my Friend K's  house tomorrow for dinner and I could manage it, as it was not a large group, tonight I just found out that she has invited another family, we are looking at 7 kids under 6, and 9 adults...I am now afraid to go, I am starting to feel overwhelmed and just want to stay home...it frustrated me that I am unsure of larger crowds and more importantly makes me have to choose...to face the fear or hide from it...

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