DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Control is back...to bad my body didn't listen

I have so many different posts rumbling around in my head today....I think I would have had less if I had been in better health this weekend. After surviving 2 days at home with a sick kid I end up getting the worst back spams and stomach pain I have had in a very long time causing me to be up most of Friday night and in bed all of Saturday, I tried to get up and 30 mins later back in bed I went. I was some what better Sunday as I went for a swim hoping to stretch out my muscles and thought all was good until I came out of the pool and got in the truck and had a 10 min attack...so that sent us to the clinic as my husband was worried. All the doctor told me was to take some muscle relaxants and be careful at the gym today. With all of this I had to cancel my scrapbook night, which I was sad about but my health is the most important.

I find it funny how 10 weeks ago I could have cared less about my workout and yet were am I 4-5 days a week at the gym working out. I, said it before, and I will repeat myself again, working out has made all the difference in my life. I feel restless if I don't get a workout in and I plan it into my schedule so there are no options for me. I love how powerful I feel and how in control I am. My workout right now is tough it is all focused on my core and boy do I feel it working, but every time I finish it I feel like I am in control....that word Control....the one thing I have struggled with for the past almost 10 weeks.

I lost control when they told me that they could not find a heart beat. I am a planner and controller, both were taken from me. This is what I think has been the hardest for me, I can accept that I was put on this journey, WHY I have no idea but I have accepted that we are on this journey. What I struggle with is how my whole year has been thrown into a whirlwind. When I started to workout it was for the physical benefit (I know I want to get pregnant again in the next year so I want my body to be in shape for it). Now it is the mental benefit that has been the area of most success. I found that I could control my workouts, I could decide how hard I was going to work thus deciding how successful I was going. Control was back in one small way, I have since booked our summer vacation, planned a couple of camping trips, decided to start opening my house up to small groups and looking forward to see how we can honour Emelina (because the one thing I will not let happen, is having her passing not make a difference some how, some way).

I think that these explains how I am trying to move forward:

♥ “We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” -E.M. Forester ♥

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