I find it funny how 10 weeks ago I could have cared less about my workout and yet were am I 4-5 days a week at the gym working out. I, said it before, and I will repeat myself again, working out has made all the difference in my life. I feel restless if I don't get a workout in and I plan it into my schedule so there are no options for me. I love how powerful I feel and how in control I am. My workout right now is tough it is all focused on my core and boy do I feel it working, but every time I finish it I feel like I am in control....that word Control....the one thing I have struggled with for the past almost 10 weeks.
I lost control when they told me that they could not find a heart beat. I am a planner and controller, both were taken from me. This is what I think has been the hardest for me, I can accept that I was put on this journey, WHY I have no idea but I have accepted that we are on this journey. What I struggle with is how my whole year has been thrown into a whirlwind. When I started to workout it was for the physical benefit (I know I want to get pregnant again in the next year so I want my body to be in shape for it). Now it is the mental benefit that has been the area of most success. I found that I could control my workouts, I could decide how hard I was going to work thus deciding how successful I was going. Control was back in one small way, I have since booked our summer vacation, planned a couple of camping trips, decided to start opening my house up to small groups and looking forward to see how we can honour Emelina (because the one thing I will not let happen, is having her passing not make a difference some how, some way).
I think that these explains how I am trying to move forward:
♥ “We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” -E.M. Forester ♥