DISCLAIMER

DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Monday, April 30, 2012

Overwhelmed

I am sitting here surfing the net because Cat is grounded to her room due to taking money to school after I specifically told her not too and when I went to grab her for dinner she is sleeping....this could be a long night...and Mariusz is working late as his company was sold and they need to do inventory TODAY...usually this is a few day process not this time...I wonder when he will get home?

As I am surfing I am feeling so overwhelmed with sadness....I have had a super busy few days and it has snuck up on me...no matter how hard I try for a "normal" life it hits me....my life is not normal and I had a baby that did not live...I sometimes think I trick myself into thinking that we are okay and our life is back what it was a year ago....but it is not.   To compound things there could be some large changes coming...and it is all so very overwhelming for me....more about that if they actually happen. I have been thinking more about Mother's day and more about HOW much I am dreading it. I have no desire to celebrate being a Mother. We are most likely going to be heading out hiking rain or shine, something so different from most years..in the past we have done brunch, beach day with friends all kinds of things and most importantly ALWAYS hold a Mother's day BBQ the day before so we can celebrate with our Mom's the day before so Mother's Day is my day...no BBQ this year I have no desire to celebrate for entertain family.

As I write this post all I keep thinking is how I WANT MY LIFE BACK....I am starting to feel confident that I have been given this path to make a difference. The more people I speak to about my plans to establish a support foundation the more people support me and want to help...but to be honest I struggle with doing it as I would much rather have my little girl, and not be planning for another pregnancy in the future...

I am heading back to work in 5 weeks and the fear is starting to come as well as the dread that in July I have a yucky schedule of 11-7:30 3 days a week, a good shift on Fridays and work all day Saturday, I wonder if I made the right choice by gambling on the branch to work for...time will only tell. I am also dreading the long weekend...I did something silly and booked my daughters photo shoot for the Imagine Kids Book for the 3 month angelversary...when I did it I was simply looking at what would work not the date, now I am it is makes me soo very sad that Emmie is not in this book. When I signed up in January I signed them both up...I almost pulled out of it this year but decided that this is a fundraiser as the session fee is donated to the Make a wish foundation, that we would do it...as well as this photographer and his wife are amazingly sweet people that did the frame  of our hands with Emmies.


Someone you know.....

In the past 3 days we have meet so many people who have experienced a loss whether it be at the beginning, middle or end as I have.

The statistics for loss is 1 in 4....I had no idea that the loss number was so high as well as how many people have experiences some sort of loss....it could be that parent on your son's baseball team, your neighbour, your banker or even that miserable client that just yelled at you....I have always lived with the focus that no matter how miser bale someone is to be I was think..." I wonder what happened to make them that miserable" ...let me tell you in the first 10 days of my loss I went through multiple drive thru's with tears pouring down my face. Every time someone asked me " How my day was..." I wanted to say horrible...instead I said okay and hoped that they would stop talking to me.
Until, Emmie passed away I had no idea really about stillbirths and although I know that there was always a risk I NEVER thought it would be me and when people tell me about there loss' I would never expect that they had gone through it was well.
Loss of a baby is something people don't openly discuss and I am vowing to change that....a loss of a baby should not be something that is hidden. I am very determined to establish my own foundation here in Canada that will provide families...grandparents, fathers, children and mom's a network to be able to connect as well I am looking to work to provide Canadian facts etc...all information is all done through the states.


Friday, April 27, 2012

Grieving

As I was driving today I was thinking about how far I have come, how many hurdles I have jumped and where I am now...and how proud of me I am that I am not hiding from anything...which is so easy for me to do.It got me thinking how easy it is for people to judge you on how you grieve. I know that I come across to some as being okay and moving along the path quickly...the thing is I am not moving along the journey quickly I am just making myself join life and see some sunshine. I have to for my mental health,  so I can go back to work and most importantly for my daughter who hates to see me sad and crying.

I read a lot....I mean a lot...and I read about other women and the grief they have gone through or are going through and I realises how easy I can think well you should....blah, blah...and then I think NO...each one of us needs different things on this journey and I NEED to respect and support them, with kind words, virtual hugs and most importantly my positive thoughts. I have always said that I was going to be come a better person going through this experience and already I am...I have pledged to become less judgemental and focus more on supporting my friends and family members anyway I can...

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

New Normal

So tonight I was on facebook and clicked on my brother in laws event page that he created for his birthday, and one of the people that has RSVP has an infant picture as their profile.......the event is worded in this way...

"It's a celebration! I will be turning 36, so I would like to invite you and your significant other to our home for a BBQ."

So...off my husband had to go and find out if any infants were coming...and his brother is going to try to confirm but I told Mariusz not to worry about it I don't want to be a pain. I was looking forward to getting out for a date night with Mariusz since my mom will have Cat, but it is very likely I will be hanging out at home...oh well such is life. I am sure I could find someone to hang out with but most likely if I don't go I am going to start sorting Lego (I will write more soon about this). I can handle infants while shopping but being around one all night..no thanks, I have only spent 2 hours in my nephews presents...such is my NEW normal.

Today I went into my new branch and was soo happy to see my awesome coworkers and got so much love from them. It is going to be a struggle in 6 weeks going back but I know that this group has my back and it makes me tear up when I think about them, and how blessed I am to have them in my life. Everyone was so excited to see me as was I. I was initially a little nervous to go into the branch but I am so happy I did. We celebrated with a dinner out at Red Robins...hard place to eat when I am on a diet (I ended up getting a chicken breast sandwich with a side salad and did not eat the bun).


I was thinking today about the fact that Mother's day is around the corner and what is my post for Mother's day is going to look like as I have amazing women in my life that I want to honour one of them being my Grandmother, whom passed away in 9 years ago 10 days before we got married. This made me think about someones blog I was reading that said they were one day closer to her son...I was thinking that I am comforted that Emelina is with my grandmother, grandfather and both my aunts, I know she is being spoilt, and is truly with an amazing people. Which causes tears because I wish she was with me...and how much I miss my grandmother even 9 years later every time I go to Edmonton I want to go and visit her. So many memories I have of her.



Tuesday, April 24, 2012

MOLLY BEARS

This organization needs help fundraising...They provide families like mine with Bears to help honour their lost infants. We are on the list and hoping that we will one day be able to give Cat this special bear to help her honour and remember her sister..........any little bit helps


https://rally.org/mollybears/fjgEB44OPrF/danyellekaluski

Here is the email I got tonight:

We need your help

Molly Bears Family:

Molly Bears started twenty months ago with the simple idea of bringing comfort and hope to people in the midst of tragedy. Out of this desire, Molly Bears has continued to grow, sending out over 1,000 bears thus far. What started out as one lady, Bridget Crews, in her living room making bears in memory of her daughter, Molly Christine, has grown into so much more. However, even as we have grown and changed, Molly Bears has not done enough to keep up with demand. The STARK REALITY we face today as a company is that WE DO NOT HAVE THE FUNDS available to keep up with the demand of bear production.

In order for Molly Bears to continue to be a vital resource for the loss community, we have to change the ways in which we function. We can no longer afford to operate on a month to month basis. We are now, like many months before, dangerously close to running out of funds. Instead we must plan for a bright future. A future that does not include a waiting list. A future where bears will be created as quickly as the orders are received; where support literature is in every hospital and available to grieving families. A future where Molly Bears can continue to offer support and the gift of hope to grieving families.

We at Molly Bears believe that we have developed a plan to reach this future. We need your support in fulfilling our mission to place a bear in every set of aching arms, and raise awareness for infant and child loss around the world.

We are asking you to help raise funds for Molly Bears. The process will take you about 10-20 minutes. We simply want you to tell your story, and share it with your network of friends, family and co-workers.

We ask that you go to rally.org/mollybears and click "Help Fundraise". From this page you will be given the opportunity to tell your story and create a page that you can share with your network of friends and family. This page will act as a sort of blog that you can update with stories and pictures in an attempt to connect people with your story as well as Molly Bears mission. If just a small percentage of our Molly Bears community were to follow through with this and raise $100 each, Molly Bears would have enough funds to finish our entire waiting list. (Currently estimated at $150,000)

We need YOUR help! We cannot continue without your support. Please click the link above, follow our cause and create a fan fundraising page. Help make a difference in the infant and child loss community.

Together we WILL make a difference!

With love,

Molly Bears Management Team

Should I or shouldn't I

I have been sitting at the computer now for 2 hours debating whether I should write or go to bed since last night I got maybe 4 hours of sleep...I struggled last night to fall asleep it has been awhile and never that late...it had to be a day when I had plans at 9 am...oh well I figure I will sleep well tonight.

I am struggling to write because I am tired and keep debating whether or not to wait until tomorrow but here I go....... I have 3 things I want to get out:
The first is my frustration with people that complain about a lack of sleep with a newborn. Newborns don't sleep...I wish I was sleep deprived, we have friends who are first time parents who entertain Mariusz and frustrate me. When I had Cat Mariusz couldn't stay home with me to help past day 2 and it was the best thing for me. I had to learn how to manage it on my own, I am a planner so I had lunches and breakfasts made so I could eat one handed as well as had a deal with my hubby as long as the baby was cared for dinner was optional. We quickly fell into a routine of how I would get my sleep...sleeping when she did and at night between 11 pm and 4 am I was on my own....before and after until he left for work at 5 am he did what he could and I would feed. We have friends whom are both going on very little sleep because they don't divide and conquer they are both home right now...it may not work for everyone but for me who NEEDS sleep this was key... she did sleep for 6  hours straight from week 6 on.....I know how lucky I am.

**please note I am not judging at all what works for one family doesn't work for another, I just wish I had this problem **

The Second is I am presently researching stillborn support groups available for families in the Fraser Valley area in BC, Canada....to date we have 1 run through the hospice and 1 small local group....I want to make sure that this Journey has a purpose and hopeful it will change lives...I am very specific that I am looking for babies that are stillborn not miscarried and looking for away to support families...whether it be supporting them with funeral plans, the funeral homes provide the services for free, which is awesome but when it came to decorating it to look like a celebration because I was determined to celebrate/honour her, we had to do alot of leg work (meaning buying baby shower decorations) to get it done (I was okay with it...but it is not for everyone). I have had my midwifes come and visit to check on me...most women don't have this option...so many things that I have had to find or really search for. One thing I have found is the most common answer to my questions..Did you attend a support group and why did or did you not? the answer is I did not want to take on anyone else's grief....my answer I was too afraid to walk into a meeting...home visits or one on one I could do...

The Third is how the sadness just sneaks up on me...I had an wonderful tea date with my friend K, lunch with my hubby, stopped at Costco for a few quick things like yogurt and on the way home I was tearing up...here I was running errands planning dinners out and I shouldn't be.............it also hit me that I have 6 weeks...ONLY 6 weeks and alot of things to get done....I want to go back feeling like my house is organized so I can focus on my mental health...

Monday, April 23, 2012

Is it stronger or weaker......

our relationship, is a question we have been asked and here is where we sit 10 weeks later...................


"You don't marry someone you can live with, you marry the person who you cannot live without"

Stronger then I thought we could be, some reasons why

His silliness.... when it is not driving me crazy.....
Always my BEST TRAVEL PARTNER....
this was taken at Great Wolf Lodge in January

An Amazing Father...always willing to create something...
This is Cat's Car they made one Sunday


An amazing partner, super supportive and fun loving
Our Vegas trip right before we decided to get pregnant with our second in June 2011
I was speaking to my friend K about are relationship, and she noted that we seemed much more together then we had in the past. We by far are not perfect and neither is our relationship but want I can tell you is that we are closer then ever before. We have been together for 10.5 years and have gone through ups and downs, but our friendship and love always brings us back.

I don't think I truly knew how much I loved my husband until we started this journey. He has never judge, never once been angry with me over my grief or the loss of Emmie. He has driven me nuts over his concern, he has ignored my hints when I am having a rough day (so I am much more vocal now), but he is here for me at midnight when I lose it or is over cautious when I am feeling ill and makes me go to the clinic. He most importantly is there for Cat when I CAN'T be, he made Easter fun for Cat but was supportive of the fact that I couldn't be. He has shred tears over Emmie in front of me and supported me when I have as well. I am so lucky to have found him 10.5 years ago at a creek in Mission BC.


A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, and always with the same person. - Mignon McLaughlin

Control is back...to bad my body didn't listen

I have so many different posts rumbling around in my head today....I think I would have had less if I had been in better health this weekend. After surviving 2 days at home with a sick kid I end up getting the worst back spams and stomach pain I have had in a very long time causing me to be up most of Friday night and in bed all of Saturday, I tried to get up and 30 mins later back in bed I went. I was some what better Sunday as I went for a swim hoping to stretch out my muscles and thought all was good until I came out of the pool and got in the truck and had a 10 min attack...so that sent us to the clinic as my husband was worried. All the doctor told me was to take some muscle relaxants and be careful at the gym today. With all of this I had to cancel my scrapbook night, which I was sad about but my health is the most important.

I find it funny how 10 weeks ago I could have cared less about my workout and yet were am I 4-5 days a week at the gym working out. I, said it before, and I will repeat myself again, working out has made all the difference in my life. I feel restless if I don't get a workout in and I plan it into my schedule so there are no options for me. I love how powerful I feel and how in control I am. My workout right now is tough it is all focused on my core and boy do I feel it working, but every time I finish it I feel like I am in control....that word Control....the one thing I have struggled with for the past almost 10 weeks.

I lost control when they told me that they could not find a heart beat. I am a planner and controller, both were taken from me. This is what I think has been the hardest for me, I can accept that I was put on this journey, WHY I have no idea but I have accepted that we are on this journey. What I struggle with is how my whole year has been thrown into a whirlwind. When I started to workout it was for the physical benefit (I know I want to get pregnant again in the next year so I want my body to be in shape for it). Now it is the mental benefit that has been the area of most success. I found that I could control my workouts, I could decide how hard I was going to work thus deciding how successful I was going. Control was back in one small way, I have since booked our summer vacation, planned a couple of camping trips, decided to start opening my house up to small groups and looking forward to see how we can honour Emelina (because the one thing I will not let happen, is having her passing not make a difference some how, some way).

I think that these explains how I am trying to move forward:



♥ “We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” -E.M. Forester ♥

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Week 9 of this Journey

As I headed into today the only thing I knew for sure was I had a 2 hour dental appointment...What happened today shows that finally the sun is peaking through the Storm....it has started to let up and is no where close to stopping but I say a ray of sunshine...and what was that ray.........................

Well after my dentist appointment I got a call from the branch manager at the branch I was hoping to work at....so on June 4 or 5th depends on my schedule which I will find out next week I will be heading to the branch on Whatcom Road. I am OVER THE MOON, I had the opportunity to work at this branch right before my world changed and it was AMAZING best group of people I have ever worked with. Now for all my coworkers who are reading this I LOVE YOU ALL but this is chemistry I have yet to see anywhere else.  My branch manager was so sweet on the phone telling me she normally does not call on leave but with it going out region wide tomorrow she thought I should know first..haha! What she didn't realize is once I finally stepped back into the bank last week...I feel at home not afraid like I was...I am NOT ready to go back full time and deal with the stresses by brain is just getting use to dealing with every day life but I miss the people...so next week I am going to pop by for a visit and to get all the details...because I agreed without knowing the schedule...OOP. ;-)

I have worked for my bank for the past 4.5 years and have had the MOST AMAZING women mentors and have made some very important connections...I have been blessed while working for this company to have been sent on an AWESOME cruise, sent to TORONTO to see a PGA golf tournament, given the opportunity to work with the Fraser Valley United Way and most importantly they donated $400 in Emelina's name to the BC Children's Hospital. This company and these people make me so proud to be apart of them.

Want to know the first thing I thought when I got off the phone....I need to buy new SHOES...then I started to think about Cat's afterschool and summer care and last but not least....best be working my butt off in the gym...this is a new branch so they do a TON of door knocking and the last time I was given an out because I was pregnant not so much now....

As I am re-reading this I start thinking I have 3 main groups of friends....my BFF's from high School they both live in Alberta and I see them usually once a year....then there are my MOM friends whom I met through various mom's groups and my WORK friends who I won't know what to do without them...I have been in contact with my Mom's friends as I post a lot about K, J, and M....my BFF's I facebook and have planned a WEEK long camping trip with one (can't wait...last year we did 4 days and all decided it was not enough, so this year they are coming BC side...next year they get to decide...Mariusz is already thinking of ways to convince them to go stateside). The one group that I have been lacking is my work friends other then S (whom we moved past work friends a few years ago) I have not been in contact with simply because they would have been too much...but slowly I am ready to go forward.

Now that I am so off topic of  week 9 let me go back.....

This week is the 2 month angelversary of my dear Emmie, and I have decided to not sit at home and be sad instead a group of friends and family will be meeting at my girlfriends home on Saturday to put together Emmie's memory book. I am so not crafty...I have great ideas and need someone else to put them into place...so I got together my crafty friends to help make Emmie's book as AMAZING as she was.

As I continue on this journey (when I am not angry) and am thankful to be surrounded by amazing women to help me through my pain and sadness, without them I wonder were I would be.....I may be a strong women but I am only strong because of the strength they give me. We normally hold a Annual BBQ in the summer for our friends just because I love to entertain. This year I think this BBQ is going to be a THANK YOU for all the amazing friends who have helped us....and looky here July 21st is a Saturday I am hoping that our garden will be in full bloom by then.

"She Soars On Angel Wings"

I Am Not Gone
By Injete Chesoni

I am not gone
I remain here beside you
Just in a different form
Look for me in your heart
And there you will find me
in our love which forever lives on

...
In those moments when you feel alone
Look for me in your thoughts
And there you will find me
in sweet memories that burn strong

Every time a tear
Forms in your beautiful eyes
Look up to Heaven
And there you will see me
Smiling down from God's glorious skies





Wondering

Tonight I was charging my Ishuffle and browsing sites when I came across this song...it is my favorite song of all time and has been since I was little...made me tear up tonight.

Sometimes when I think about this journey and when I am so angry that we have been put on it I wonder if I had known would I have still gotten pregnant...and what would I change...I am not ready to write that answer yet but I want to share with you the song that makes me think.........

The Dance by Garth Brooks


Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars alone
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have chanced it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Saturday With Cat.....

Today had me out at Cat's baseball game by myself which is a hurdle...I have not gone to any of Cat's classes by myself....I either don't stay or I have someone with me to chat with....I couldn't today as Mariusz was in a course, and with it being a baseball game I felt like I had to stay...Cat did tell me that since we ran out of time to stop at Tim Horton's to get my tea I could leave her and go to get it..What an amazing girl she is...with it being her first game I thought that  I would stay.

 I had not even considered until I got there and remembered that two of the parents are Cat's fellow classmates, so I am sure that they know we lost Emmie...the mom's were nice. I am not a super social "mom" I leave that up to my husband...because of my work I constantly see clients that I have helped all over the place and two of them are even on Cat's team so I keep to myself for the most part.

After Cat's game we head out to buy her a new "Jill" (jock strap for girls) as hers was too small. Then we had an enjoyable lunch at subway before heading over to Papa Murphy's to pick up Pizza for dinner...one more stop and I figured we were done..that one stop my much awaited Tea from Tim Horton's...now since I lost Emmie I have not go into a fast food restaurant I only do a drive-thru...less likely I will run into someone I know....any they told be they had NONE....really NONE...I love Tim Horton's Steep Tea.....now I am awaiting the arrival of my husband with one as my reward for a healthy eating day and just because I WANT ONE!!!

Here is a picture of the Girl in her uniform

Bat Catcher

Running to Base

I know it is blurry but I love this shot

Hurdles..............

This is what I think every day I look at my calender...HOW many Hurdles do I have to get over this week...........

There are always at least 2 as much as I like to keep it to one, that does not seem to happen.

This week I had 2 hurdles, the first was going into one of my banks branches I have not walked into one since Emmie was born....I decided to do it this week as I had a bunch of mat clothes from one of the branch managers as well as Thank you cards I wanted to get out.  It was not too bad, I miss being in the know and working with the staff as well as clients. I have an official day back to work as well as next week will find out what branch I will be going to when I go back....before I left I was acting as a fill in and after being without a home for the past 8 months I will soon have a home, very excited to see where so I can start arranging child care options.

The second Hurdle was meeting my nephew....I knew that I had to get over this as soon because I just want to stop being afraid so I went to my mom's house (my sister lives with her) and had dinner. I did not hold him etc but I was in the room...which was good enough for me. To be honest I am not a super baby person so it is not surprising I would not be rushing to hold him...I much prefer babies when they are  4 months and over, they are more interactive.

 It was tough but I was okay with it, what I found was harder was the text we got from our friends A and S, there daughter had arrived. That was harder for me....because I wanted to be sending a text like that not having my husband call everyone 2 months earlier and tell them the "news".  I went up stairs shortly after to get some sleep and instead found my self crying....Wondering "WHY" we were on this journey.  I am not jealous or even mad at others for not having to go through this pain....because to be honest you NEVER know what is around the corner and things happen....does not have to happen in pregnancy it can happen after....life is never a guaranteed.  I also have to give it to her she was sick so she had to go through labour all natural...to much for me I like me some morphine to help with the pain.....



Thursday, April 12, 2012

PROUD...

Today, I had my 4 week check up with my trainer, Tanja Shaw, is fantastic and soooo worth the money. I have lost 4.5 inches overall,  I had a fitness test today and I ROCKED IT!!

                     First Visit                                    This Visit
Push ups         12                                                 25
Plank hold      12 sec                                           32 sec
Wall Sit          30 sec                                           35 sec
.5 mile Run     7.30 Min's                                     6.00 Min's ( I don't have a the exact number but this is close)

So happy, my weight stayed the same but I am not worried it will catch up, it is amazing to see so much success in just a few weeks. I know in another 4 I am going to rock it even more...the running is going to be tough but the rest I know I can double.

I have never been super dedicated to working out as I have always had tons of excuses and with being off until June and having Cat in school with nothing super important to do other then this makes it easy to focus.  I think that this has been the real reason that I am starting to feeling better, it makes me get out of the house and I can take out my frustrations etc while I am running. It also makes me use my focus and determination...let me tell you on the days I want to sit at home and be lazy the fact that I want to feel good makes me get out. I got out 2x over the Easter weekend and I totally thought I won't.

She also changed up my program with much more difficult and is going to push my core, but I am so excited to get started tomorrow.

If I can give any bereaved mom any advice I would recommend finding an outlet and if it can be fitness I say go for it because you will see both physical and mental changes.

Now off to soak my sore body...a hike, a fitness test and 20 minutes on the elliptical tonight has my body done.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

The "Should be's"

This what I am constantly thinking...what I should be doing....

I should be......

  • lacking in sleep
  • breastfeeding
  • juggling a newborn and a busy 6.5 year old
  • spending my free time cuddling with my little girl
  • driving my husband crazy shopping for cute girls clothes we don't "NEED"
  • worrying if she was getting enough food
  • wearing maternity clothes
  • wondering if I would get a shower today
  • struggling to make dinner
  • be going overboard in holiday planning

Instead What I am doing

  • GRIEVING
  • Hitting the gym or the pool 4-5x a week
  • wearing all my Pre-pregnancy clothes
  • planning my back to work return in June
  • hiding out at Cat's activities so I don't have to deal with babies or other parents
  • getting 8-10 hours of sleep
  • just getting through the holidays
  • Wishing everyday that I have Emmie with us
  • Planning on going Zip lining in August with Cat for her 7th Birthday
  • Shortening our Summer plans since I am going back to work in June and have reduced holidays

Most days I am constantly thinking about what I should be doing...what I can tell you is the guilt that I am moving forward is less but my sadness is still strong. My husband mentioned the last time he say me be happy was weeks ago...to be exact 8 weeks...


8 weeks ago I had just finished the nursery and was getting ready to work my last 3 weeks of work...instead I was off 3 weeks early and left the hospital without my daughter. I would give up so many things to have her with us....every single silver lining moment is surrounded in sadness because I know I shouldn't be doing them.

8 weeks ago my life changed and it will NEVER be the same and the only thing that keeps be going forward is knowing that I can be strong and I will come out of this storm STRONGER, BETTER and THANKFUL....when that will be...who knows...but I do know I will come out....





Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Easter Weekend Overall

I have had a HORRIBLE weekend...it has had moments that have been enjoyable but this weekend has been so tough. I spent Saturday crying as my posts says, later that night I went to get the Easter stuff and what do I find but a sleeping husband that almost put me over the top...I had already told him who uninterested I was with this whole holiday...after me turning the light on he got up and helped with setting up the Easter Hunt...which I cried through it was horrible.  Sunday, Cat was up early and Mariusz decided that it was probably better to have me sleep in as I had spent the previous 2 nights tossing and turning...He got up and did the Easter hunt in the house with Cat. I got up in time for breakfast and spent a good part of that morning in tears. I was so bad that I was very strongly considering not going to dinner at my friends because I could not shake my mood. I ended up falling a sleep and when I woke up I felt some what better and decided to attempt dinner after a nice long walk we headed out and it was a good night. I had one overwhelming moment after dinner when all the kids were going nuts so I took Cat and we went for a short walk allowing me to calm her down and re centre myself..Dinner was exactly what we need and I am so grateful to have such amazing friends that made it an easier day for me. Thank you K and D, oh and to K's Mom for all the cooking.

Where I am a few days later still not in a great mind frame...I am told a few steps forward and a few steps back is how this grief thing works and boy are we are few steps back...I am so happy to have my workouts as my outlet because no matter how angry or frustrated or sad I am they seem to provide a centering that I need.

Here are some pictures from Easter:
Easter Hunt at the Local School

So excited for her own Tissues



Easter basket and her gift from us

Cat and her new BFF

Cuddling

Sunday, April 8, 2012

A Letter...

To my Dearest Emelina,


As we head into Easter celebrations, I am filled with such great sadness as you are not here to celebrate what should have been your first holiday. We should be in Edmonton surrounded by family and some long time friends but instead I am sitting here crying over missing you and you are in heaven. I wanted to do something so special to remember you but to be honest I just can't. My grief is so raw and so strong that the best I could do was to create your memory frame so I can hang it in our library, surrounded by my first love, books. I had thoughts of what this Easter could look like and this was never in those thoughts. I posted this last night on my facebook just for you, because shedding tears is what I seem to do a lot of:

"If every tear we shed for you became a star above:
You'd stroll in angel's garden lit by everlasting love" - Anonymous


Everyday you are in my thoughts, I wish we could have spent more time together but instead I have you in my heart. Happy Easter Little One! You are missed so much!

With Love,
Your Mom



Saturday, April 7, 2012

Tears

:
"Sacredness In Tears" by Franchesca Cox | RedBubble

The First Holiday

Someone asked me this week how I am doing and I said "sad" and she replied " I don't think that sadness is every going to go away..." .

This week has been a good week, I actually felt I had some control. But I am not close to being back to the super organized planner I once was... I have done what I have needed in shopping etc, today I was wrapping some small gifts for my friend K's family. To say thank you in a small way for the support they have given us. As well as wrapped up my niece and nephew's gift....I actually forgot to buy my nephew a gift and it wasn't until I was on the way home that I realized this and decided to give him the stuffy that Cat was going to get. I have no desire to even bother shopping for him...which is the opposite to how I was before. I am really struggling with the shopping a friend had offered to shop for me and in some ways I wish she had since he would have gotten something better then a stuffy.

We spent yesterday shopping and I did okay, Target was the worst place and that was simply because I couldn't stop looking at all the cute baby girl clothes....I so desperately want to be shopping for them... Today was something else, it started off fine with a workout and then off to an Easter Hunt by our house. In the past we have done another one but I knew I was going to struggle with this event and wanted one were we would be close to home, and were I wouldn't have to worry about anyone other then myself (no friends to socialize with...I was able to observe and focus my energy on just getting through this event). Afterwards, Mariusz stopped by the grocery store to pick up a steak to grill since it was so beautiful today and I headed to the dollar store to pick up some gift bags. Everything was going okay until I decided to get Emelina's  Memory Frame done tonight...


 
I have read and read about ways to honour her memory, but  I have a huge lack of motivation to do much of anything. I completed her memory frame tonight which is a bittersweet moment as this is what sent me in full out grieving mode,so much that an old friend called and  I couldn't even speak with him as I was way too emotional.  I knew this weekend was going to be hard, and was prepared to be sad and to cry but it still does not make me feel any better, it just re-enforces how much I hate this journey, and has me searching for WHY.

Many times people have said to me: " you are so strong, I don't know a person who could manage all of this but I know you will be able to manage" Please explain to me why I have to manage on this journey???why do I have to have such great sadness?? why do I need to experience such a huge broken heart?? WHY????  I know that: "EVERY THING HAPPENS FOR A REASON " and that "WE ARE ONLY GIVEN WHAT WE CAN MANAGE", but I am still struggling to understand WHY me???

Cat is so excited about Easter and hunting for Egg's and I am so not interested in any of it, I am just going through the motions. I want to be involved and happy but I can't bring myself to be HAPPY... I am thankful to have Mariusz be willing to be involved for both of us and understanding of why I can't be. We are suppose to go to my Friend K's  house tomorrow for dinner and I could manage it, as it was not a large group, tonight I just found out that she has invited another family, we are looking at 7 kids under 6, and 9 adults...I am now afraid to go, I am starting to feel overwhelmed and just want to stay home...it frustrated me that I am unsure of larger crowds and more importantly makes me have to choose...to face the fear or hide from it...



Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Friday is Fabric Shopping day....

I thought that this would be an easy outing, hahaha...half way through it I was so overwhelmed, with numbers etc. But I did it we got fabric for my mom to do curtains for Cat's newly painted room,  a photo board for my book room and this totally neat car organizer




I think it was way too many numbers and I am still having problems with getting my mind to focus on more then one thing at a time...one day I will be able to multi task....Once we left I was fine for the rest of the night...Could have been all the baby girl fabric everywhere as well??? One never knows were the reminders are going to shop up. I was telling someone that this week that I never know what is going to affect me...for the most part it is not infants, or pregnant women it is other things, like I was driving home from the gym and once again I get that thought I shouldn't be doing this....I should be dealing with sleepless nights and an infant...that is the hardest thing for me the what I should Be's???

Now the reason I don't am not jealous etc towards pregnant women or infants is simply because you never know the story



Funny how this is truly what I thought before hand...Whenever I had a super miserable client this is what I would remind myself...how true it is. The more I read about other women and their loss stories I realize how much worse it could be.






Monday, April 2, 2012

I found this today......

Disappointments are just God’s way of saying:

"I’ve got something better.” Be patient, live life, have faith"

-Lanette Sem


This made Mariusz and I take a step back today and think.......







WOW...sometimes I wonder....

What a crazy few days...I keep saying it but wow...sometimes I feel busier now that I am off then when I was working....truthful it is not it is just that after one or two social interactions I am exhausted.  To all my friends that are waiting on me to plan a date...I will I am just hesitating to make myself too busy. Although I was silly enough to WAY over do the after school activities for my poor girl...baseball twice a week, skating, basketball and gymnastics....poor planning on my side. In my defence I forgot about baseball, skating and basketball are short activities that she likes and I thought would be good to review since it had been awhile since she had been in both. Add in that one of her best friends is taking gymnastics along with me getting tired of her doing cartwheels in the playroom I thought this was a good idea too. Oh well it is only for less then 6 weeks and then she will be left with baseball and gymnastics.

Now were does the WOW come in well...in the craziness of the past week I completed two hurdles..usually I focus on one per week but both of these hurdles were things I could not schedule....

One was the dentists office, why would this be a hurdle..well....we have been with this dentist for a long time...Mariusz has been with them for over 18 years, I have been with them for about 10 years and Cat has been going there since she was born. They have been through our wedding, my first pregnancy etc. The day we found out we had lost Emelina was the day we received an email with their congratulations on the pregnancy as Mariusz had just contacted them the week before to book appointments for cleaning etc. My mom had to do the horrible job of letting them know (she says that having to send out the emails and drop off the invitation to the Memorial Tea was one of the worst moments of her life...She says she has never made so many strangers cry). They were awesome the ladies in the office spoke to me to say they were sorry as well as to let us know they were thinking of us. And our dentist, well he is male but amazingly considerate. I, popped in to see what was up with Cat's teeth (proud to say her teeth are doing awesome...last time she had 5 small cavities so I am glad over a year later we have that all sorted out) and he just spoke to me about Cat's teeth because Cat was in the room. He did not want to upset her so he waited and spoke to Mariusz after we left as Mariusz had a 2 hour appointment.

My next hurdle was the United Way Awards Dinner...a little background I work for a large national bank, and for the past 2 years they have lent the United Way an employee to work for them for 16 weeks. In that 16 weeks you go out and help them achieve there yearly goal. Our goal for this year was the largest to date...$825, 000. I was chosen to work for them this year, when I was told 5 days before I started with them I would be working with them,I was deathly afraid that I would fail as well as wondered why I was being chosen. Well let me tell you I LOVED it, I meant some amazing women, Lori, Kelly, Michelle and Denise. Lori, was my "boss" but to be honest she is a women I strive to become like..she just blows me away with her strength. Kelly, is the office manager and had some awesome camping tips. The awards dinner was something that when I left in December I expected to be bring a baby too...so I knew this was going to be a HUGE challenge as my clients for the most part knew I was pregnant as well as I knew I would be seeing some of my coworkers for the first time since this all happened.

Well how did it go.....first off Kelly and Lori were kind enough to ask me to come early to set up as well as gave me work to do during the event to make it easier on me..I LOVE party planning and being in the background ensure an event goes off so this was the perfect job for me. We also had an 2 hour break so Kelly and I went to subway to grab a salad for a late lunch. While we ate she let me talk..funny everyone is so afraid to ask about what happened. I am so use to telling our "story" that I am totally okay with telling EVERYONE...and I love that people ask, so humbling to have so many people around us that care so much.

 I was able to speak to my boss and let me tell you...I work for an amazing company and more importantly feel so supported. He was telling me how there have been changes (some had just started when I left...we were just 2 days into them) and how they are short my position and when I said at this point I am looking at coming back in June but could think about moving it up...he stressed that I am to WAIT until I want to come back. He will have something for me when I am ready and to take care of myself and family. WOW was all I could think, make it much easier for me to focus on me and not worry about my career. I have worked hard for the past 4 years and want my momentum to continue....

This event the theme was 50's so they had some swing dancers (husband and wife) whom found me to tell me that Lori had been speaking to them and they too had a lost...there's was a 25 week one due to HELLP and how after there 3 pregnancy they have a beautiful 7 month old daughter. I was relieved to speak to them about there experiences as well as an answer question that I have been tossing around....

Should I join a loss group?? The one in Abbotsford for Women is full and I can look into another one but.....I feel okay for the most part, I have coffee with my friend K once a week and she has been a HUGE supporter and no matter how strange what I say... is she is okay with it (she actually says she has the same thoughts). I am looking into private counselling for Mariusz and I. Not that we have any issues relationship wise but mostly to help me with my jealously/anger towards my sister and Mariusz just to be sure he is okay with everything....as changes are on the horizon and I want him to be able to manage the changes.

Those events where only Wednesday and Thursday....I have more to write about Friday and Saturday but it is time to hit the bed as I have to hit the Gym early tomorrow as my friend S is coming over to do her taxes late morning tomorrow.


So my question to all you Loss Mom's out there.....Did you join a loss group? If not why?