DISCLAIMER

DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Why?

I keep wondering why.....why.....why me??? What did I possibly do to deserve to be this sad..I have always believe that:
 "EVERY THING HAPPENS FOR A REASON"

 "WE ARE ONLY GIVEN WHAT WE CAN MANAGE"

...these are what got me through my wedding when my grandmother whom I was close to passed away 10 days before I was to get married and we had to rearrange my whole wedding as people decided not to attend.... I am trying to keep my faith in these sayings to give me some comfort in this HORRIBLE journey...but it is horrible I am not a crier and it seems like all I do is cry...I know that I am border line depressed....I am fighting this battle every day, I have no desire to go to my Doctor, I have not seen my doctor since I got pregnant I went straight to my midwives, so I know we will have to review everything and I will most likely see newborns at the office (no interest in this).

I am also struggling with having the desire to parent Cat. I love her BUT I felt yesterday that I had no energy to deal with her..which means  she has been watching way too much TV. Thanks to having a babysitter (while I went to the gym) and  a neighbourhood friend of hers she spent the morning and afternoon at the park in the beautiful sunshine. I know I could have called on some friends to watch her but with it being spring break I don't want to add an extra child on to anyone...so instead she has been stuck with me for the past 2 days (to make up for a couple boring days Mariusz and I took her to the pool to swim tonight). 

Why me??? I don't think we will ever get an answer....I keep hoping that this will strengthen our family as well as be something that we can use to one day make a difference in someway...how or  when I am not sure yet but we will do something, her passing will not be in vain...I should call it a night, I have a busy day tomorrow with a work out, lunch/playdate with my Friend K and then off with Mariusz and Cat to pick out paint so we can redo Cat's room this weekend.

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