DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Sunday...baby showers and the"baby's" room

Sunday started off okay but by the end of the day I was an emotional mess, I spent the afternoon packing up the "baby's" room...I have never called Emmie's room hers....I have always referred to it as the Baby's room...I have no clue why but I do... I have it basically packed it up, it took me 2 days to set it up and a few hours to have it packed up, mostly because most of the clothes had sorted and boxed awaiting her arrival before I washed them.

I have wanted this done for the past week, as I feel this room is false advertising it screams ANTICIPATION not GRIEVING, I got it mostly done so now to get the stuff down to the garage for storage, we are getting rid of almost nothing....I am going to sell the crib set as I don't LOVE it, and give away all the diapers, formula and some wipes we have. The diapers etc are being donated to a local organization that I learnt about this fall while working with the United Way. It is called Sardis Doorways http://www.sardiscommunitychurch.com/children.html they work with single mom's that need help, I have friends and my sister who most likely could use this stuff but I want it to go to someone that needs help.  

This week Mariusz and I are going to try to get working on the garage so that we can put everything away, once that happens I need to figure out what type of crib we have so I can order the double bed kit, so I can convert that room to a guest room and no longer have it be so sad...I am no way trying to forget about Emmie, I am someone who likes to get things done and knowing that this room needs to be done and what it stands for is driving me crazy.

Baby showers....the worst thing about having many friends and my sister due the same time I was is the baby showers that are now happening. My sister had one yesterday then I declined to attend as well as a friend of mine is due in April and had invited me to attend her shower which I had said I would attend, before Emmie's passing, I ended up canceling as it was not were I wanted to be, but it sucks. This is my friends first daughter and we were so excited for them as well as to both be having girls so close together and we want to support them but I can't I am so sad...just looking at her pictures of the shower has me in tears...I also found out she was put on bed rest, which worries me, my hubby is going to touch base with them to make sure she is doing well. I had yet to buy her gift, all the other babies in our lives I got gifts in January for I am not sure why I did not get hers, and now I don't want to as I know I will be in tears, so I think I am going to simple just buy them a Gift Card to Toys r us, not my normal baby gift but my life is no longer my old normal.

My new normal has me avoiding baby showers, babies in general and crying on a daily basis. Oh and paying more attention to where I am seated in restaurants etc...because last night we went to White Spot and we had to be seat in the only section that had a newborn baby in it (whom was crying), then we went to Walmart and I had to pass the baby section and of course another baby...all too much...so last night was a long night, I had trouble falling a sleep  happened about 2 am, which had me not get up until 10:30 am. Sometimes I feel the more time that passes the sadder I am getting....

Missing you Emmie!!

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