DISCLAIMER

DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Sad....

Sad is a word that does not seem to convey what I am feeling....I am just can't put it into words how I feel... Today was not a good day, I tried hard for Cat's sake but I was a mess....I am so desperately sad, and I want my baby to becoming home...I had breakfast with my mom yesterday and told her that I feel like I keep thinking I am going to wake up from this nightmare...I keep wondering how this happened and why to us...I find that I am always on a tight rope now...I feel like a fraud when I am out having a "normal" life, but I need something because today was not fun... I think the next 2 weeks are going to be hard as my due date was March 9 (Friday), I was not committed to this date as I had figured I would be closer to the 19th, and then 21st marks the fist month of Emmie's passing. We should also be getting Emmie's Ashes, we were told 10 days and I won't be surprised if we get them Friday...

Mariusz is going to try to get his work to allow him to work 4- 10 hour days to give me some support on Fridays so the weeks aren't so long, but most likely I have a feeling that starting next week he will be going back to working overtime...funny how just 2 weeks ago we were both working long, long hours and then spent almost 2 weeks off....how our lives change with a simple phrase...we can't find a heartbeat....Regardless if  he can get the shorter work week, next week I think he is going to go back to working OT, to help offset the fact that my EI is going to start 4 weeks earlier then we had planned as well as, I applied super late since I was not in the right mind set to do it sooner. I don't want him to as it lengthens my day but with a trip to Seattle in April and with everything the extra money will make our lives easier....if anything right now is easy...

I have made the decision to get a trainer to get me in shape, not sure how this is going to get put into the budget but to be honest I need something that will give me an outlet. with me being off until June to focus on myself, my thought is that I need to do both the mental and physical, no excuses not to have time now...I have 6 hours a day to myself.

I was just about to post when Mariusz came in with the mail, I have been awaiting the mail as we had the photographer from NILMDTS  http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/ , I have been awaiting these images as Emmie was not in good shape so some work need to be done so we will hopefully have pictures to share...with the CD they also provided us with a letter with a forum to join to share our story. I go to sign up and I am stuck at a question that I always knew how to answer...Tell us about yourself...I have no clue what to say anymore...that makes me cry since I am always so self assured and now not so much...


Here are a few pictures of our Angel.....

Some people only dream of angels...I held one in my arms






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