DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Month 1 of this Journey

As I woke up this morning and knew that today is the one month anniversary of Emmie's birth...I kept thinking today I should just have a newborn...how did this go so WRONG....I angry to be going down this path. I wanted this little girl...my being pregnant was PLANNED it wasn't a surprise it was PLANNED...I was ready for bad news right up until we got all the results back from the genetics testing and ultrasound even up to 36 weeks because I knew that babies that come before then can survive but may not....but after 37 weeks I figured I was safe....YEAH right SAFE....boy wasn't that dumb of me to think...I sit here crying well I write..wishing Emmie was here and thinking I would give anything to have her....When we got pregnant with Cat it was not planned, it did not completely shock us as I had said "if we got pregnant now you would be done school and working..." and 4 weeks later we got the positive test, as much as we wanted children it was a shock...with Emmie she was wanted beyond what I can explain in words....Some background: My husband had been wanting a second child for years and I was not sold...in 2010/early 2011, 2 of my best friends had there 3rd children...both girls and I was sold I was finally ready to expand our family...we waiting until June because I wanted a spring baby so I would be off for the summer with Cat and the baby...haha didn't the world teach me I go back to work in June...just in time for Cat to be done school...

 “We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” -E.M. Forester

As I work to be willing to let go of my plans...I have been working out for the past week, and for the most part I feel so much better, today I worked it hard out of sadness...because deep down I know I should not be working out I should be with my newborn and since I can't be I am desperately trying to find the silver lining..and that is I have 10ish weeks before I go back to work so I am going to make the best of them.

One of this "silver lining" things is that on Monday we went to the Lady A concert, as I was driving to Abbotsford (30 mins away) to pick up my husband I cried, all the way because all I could think is we should NOT be going to this concert I should have been in labour or had a newborn...I ended up enjoying myself  more then I had ever thought but I still feel like I should have gone...bittersweet is what it was... I also spent my drive on Sunday back from my mom's house crying as well because I was thinking about how my dad was away in Vietnam for 10 days and he was bring back some gifts for the grand kids and instead of him buying 3 dolls he was only buying 2...

People ask how we are, well a month into this process, I am:
  • focusing on getting my work out done each day
  • focusing on not planning more then a week out
  • reminding myself that am surround by an amazing support system, filled with family, friends and coworkers
  • reminding myself that it is OKAY to cry
  • reminding myself that it is OKAY to be happy
  • reminding myself that it is OKAY to simply be
My wonderful husband is doing better...he has had sometimes the hardest jobs because if I can't do something he does it...he has been back to work and although some days he struggles to focus he is doing his best.

And the Kiddo...well she has been my main concern and she is okay, some days she has a few meltdowns and others she amazes us with her maturity and compassion...her biggest complaint this past weekend was that she wants to spend more time with her baby cousin...so somehow we are going to have to arrange that...even though I am not ready for spending time with my nephew (for those that don't know he was born just after midnight on the 23rd of Feb)

One month into this journey down.....so many more to come.....

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