DISCLAIMER

DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Day 22 of the Journey

I am sitting on my couch looking out the window at the snow that again is falling.....and all I can think of is this winter has had soo much snow including the day of Emmie's shower. The day I came home from the hospital we had snow,  2 weeks ago today at Emmie's Tea it was snowing just like today, I took peace in it then and to be honest I am taking it again today. To me the snow is so pure and when I look out and see our local mountains covered in snow I am always in awe and love heading out to the Ski Hill simply because of how beautiful it is. So for once I want the the snow to  just keep coming...maybe snow in the summer? Kidding  :-)

I hate looking at a calender it makes confuses me as 3 weeks have never dragged by but at the same time flown by...I can't believed that 3 weeks ago my life was changed in a way I would never have thought, that one could be so sad, and angry. As well as I never thought I would struggle with leaving my home...I am not to the point were one should be concerned but I am very focused on where I go, when I go and most importantly whom I go with. I try hard to make sure I am out with people that will support me if I lose it...I don't think this will happen but one never knows.  I thought that I would start feeling better but I am not really...I find that the past 10 days I have cried more then I did the first 10...I also think that might be because my rock...AKA husband is back at work and I am left on my own for a good portion of the week. I know it gives me too much time to think, read and be on facebook...facebook is so hard for me, as I want to be back to my "normal" posting but I am not..I would make people sad if I posted what I was really thinking most of the time, so I carefully edit my posts, as well as things pop up on my news feed...like the pictures of my sisters shower and my friend S's shower, so then I have to go and stalk there pages, which is not a good thing as they make me cry.

 My friend S's page as she looks so beautiful so close to the end, and then I find out she is on bed rest so I worry for her in the same minute this is there first term pregnancy...as well as we were so excited to both be having girls and figured they would be 3-4 weeks apart and how cool it would be for them growing up as S's husband is my husband's good friend from childhood. This is not going to happen now, and it makes me so sad.  I wanted them to know we are here and Cat is super excited to meet their daughter.  So Mariusz called them last night to let them know we are thinking of them as well as to make sure we are kept in the loop...I may not be able to visit with them for awhile, but as I write this I think that no matter how long I wait it is not going to get easier I am sure I am going to completely breakdown...so I wonder when is it going to be the right time and maybe earlier is better then later...

On a great note though: Today I achieved one amazing goal,  I have a trainer and friday I will have a plan, for 5 days a week, not only to hit the weights, but to get back into training for a 5 km running and...gasp back into the pool swimming..I have not been back in the water for almost 12 years...oh and this women now needs a one piece bathing suit as I know my new suit I got last summer in Vegas is not for actual swimming.  After my meeting today, for the first time in weeks I had a smile on my face and feel like I have something to do and I know I will look hot after and feel good.

Well time for me get on with my day...Ms Cat is home and wants to go play in the snow...






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