DISCLAIMER

DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Day 12 of the Journey

Yesterday I had a nasty migraine due to the accumulation of all the stress in the past 13 days, so I spent the day on some strong pills, so last night I did not sleep well, as I did not take my sleeping pills as I was concerned with the mixing of the drugs..so last nights sleep was very spotty and add that my head still hurts...it makes day 12 one that I want to hide from..I am also struggling to not take it out on my husband today, I know that he wants to help but nothing he says makes me feel better...
I hate this journey it SUCKS, and would like to know why we were given this path....I want to go back to a month ago so badly, I hate the crying I do it every day, I hate that sometimes I feel like I can forget get through the day and then at night I come unglued...I know that we are only given what we can manage...but WHY ME!!!!!! I struggle with this and I know it is so recent and I know that it has to get better but as someone who  just likes "to get things done" this process seems too much for me.  I have very little energy to do much or do I want to, I want to hide in my house and avoid all social situations, which is so opposite to the way I am normally....I keep telling my husband that I want to go back to NORMAL...but there is no more normal, that was taken from us on February 20 th when we were told our 2nd daughter was dead sleeping going to be stillborn. I want that little girl like I have never wanted anything..and instead of celebrating I sit here crying and being angry at life.

My sister just posted that my nephew is 9 days old...talk about a dig...I had her hidden from my facebook not sure why it popped up today, I don't want to see updates like this or her posting pictures of my niece bottle feeding him. She is celebrating 9 days and I am dealing 12 days of HELL....and fighting every night to go to bed and get up the next morning  (to be honest I hate going to bed because I know the next day I have to deal with missing my daughter). Then add on to the fact I am trying desperately to get rid of my milk....I knew she wasn't going to breast feeding she said she was but I knew and you know what I HATE IT....here I have been researching ways to dry up quickly and she isn't trying...I hate her status, her pictures and I really want to hate her...because I am so angry that I am dealing with the death of my daughter. I feel so harsh and feel the guilt of even thinking this but I am at the point where the anger is over riding every other emotion. I love my sister and I desperately hope that I can one day be happy for her but not right now....

We have had so many people tell me to reach out to them but to be honest, I don't want to....I am tired of people ( including my husband and mom) seeing me cry...and most importantly I am tired of who I am right now...I feel like I am a shell, I am either sad or angry if I am not one of these then I feel like I  am pretending...I want to simply hide, hoping that this nightmare will be over.....

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