DISCLAIMER

DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Babies are EVERYWHERE...

Ever notice when you are pregnant it seems like the whole world is pregnant....while when you lose baby....EVERYONE has a BABY....I dread leaving my house to go to places that families take kids....like parks. I was out on Friday with my friend K and her kids, we took them to a park close to her so they could run off some energy and we saw no less then 4 infant seats. My friend K, didn't realize until then why I would avoid going to the park...it is not bad if I am with someone as then I can talk and AVOID thinking about what I am missing but alone...so I avoid parks and most places in general to be honest...

To be COMPLETELY honest....I could stay home every day and hide away from everyone because that is what would be the EASIEST right now...but I don't I am getting out of the house EVERY DAY for a bit. During the week to go to the gym and starting this week for Cat's 3 classes, skating, basketball and gymnastics. I am dreading them all because I can't control how many babies are going to around...basketball (started 2 weeks ago and I know)there is one in the class before and a pregnant women in her class...so I am watching her class from the treadmill as I do an extra workout...skating and gymnastics, my out is to go sit in my car and read. Cat is use to us dropping off and coming back for a portion so I am lucky with that...on the weekend we do at least one outing as a family.


This weekend our family outing was a trip to the mall which had a fair that had taken up for the weekend...Cat's best friend and our neighbour's parents both work for the company that owns the rides so we had some free passes to use. I ran into a few of my coworkers, which was nice as the run ins are somewhat normal...

I have started to hate the question  "HOW ARE YOU DOING?" or "How is your day?" I never thought I would but let me tell you that those are questions I have no clue how to answer...do you really want the truth......the one were I tell you "my husband particularly had to drag me out of the house this afternoon because right before we left I lost all desire to leave and was thankful when our daughter fell asleep in the car so the first part of the afternoon changed from skating to driving out to the river and checking out island 22"....or the one were I say..." as good as I can be... " which is what I have been saying. I know that people that ask me that truly care won't judge me for the first answer but I feel like I don't want to burden people anymore then I do...I am not someone who likes to ask for much I would much rather give...so here is a free piece of advice...if you want to do coffee with me or have lunch etc if you ask me....I will rarely say no...I just may move the day so I can ensure I am not over doing the visits...I find if I do too much I avoid grieving and end up struggling later in the week which is what happened this last week...






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