DISCLAIMER

DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

"All That We Love Deeply"

Thinking about our Angel

   A Beautiful Song   I Will Carry You By Selah


Thinking about Emmie today, one month ago we were at her Memorial Tea surrounded by so many people, friends, family and coworkers who took time out of there day to honour are a beautiful little girl whose time here was shorten.
Why are family was choosen to go along this path, I am not sure, but what I am sure of is that Emmie will never be forgotten and no child could have been wanted anymore...


Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Day 34 of this journey

The past week and a bit have been busy...I have really tried to get out to visit with friends as well as have been working out 5 days a week which I find has made my days fly by...and the past two days with Cat being back at school, I have been shocked by how fast 2:30 pm comes around.

Today I headed out later to the pool for my workout, because I had no desire to go, but I DID it.  And was home just before Cat got off the bus.....I did my workout because in a few weeks I am going to be measured and I want to be successful. I have no excuses of being too busy because lets be realistic I am NOT busy. I find stuff to do but none of it is more important then my health, I also find it awesome for my mental health for the most part....yesterday was hard on the treadmill my shins were sore and my Ipod was dead :-( so it was a tough run but the workout made me feel so strong.

Emotionally is hit and miss... I expected that when I started working on the thank you cards that I had ordered that is would so hard...it was easier then I thought they would be.I figured it would be very emotional, but to be honest they were not at all. I found them therapeutic and humbling. So many people have done so many nice things for us, sent so many beautiful cards and most importantly sent us beautiful, thoughtful messages. Tomorrow they will hit the mail, I can't wait for people to receive them because I want to people to realize how much they mean to us as well as how much there support has meant to us.

I did something I have never done before and that was cancel a trip state side. I love going to Seattle, we do a stateside trip every 2-3 months because I love to shop down south as well as love to explore. I just could not get the motivation or desire to want to go...I have been dreading it hugely the past few weeks. I mentioned it to my friend K, and she suggested we join them for Easter and I was sold, shortly after the reservation was cancelled. I feel so much relief, I thought a trip would be nice but instead I was dreading not being at home. When I am home I feel safe as well as am some what able to control my situations where as I felt like traveling I was losing that control. I already feel that my control has disappeared when it comes to most things so why push it, soon enough I will want to travel (I LOVE it) so why make myself regret it.

I have been dreading Easter shopping and was able to get most of Cat's gift today at Staples (of all places) all that is left is to pick up is the candy and her one gift from us a scooter both of which Mariusz is going to do. I usually do more for holidays with planning etc but this year is going to be very low key...no Easter hunt other then the house this year...

Off to bed...early workout tomorrow as my friend K is coming to lunch tomorrow, then off to Cat's dentist appointment, skating and then off to dinner at my friends J's house...busy, busy day.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Healing

A friend my mine sent this to me last night and I wanted to share it.....

Some poems and Quotes...

That are providing me with "some" comfort


When we bury the old,
we bury the known past,
the past we imagine sometimes better than it was,
but the past all the same,
a portion of which we inhabited.
...
Memory is the overwhelming theme,
the eventual comfort.
But burying infants,
we bury the future,
unwieldy and unknown,
full of promise and possibilities,
outcomes punctuated by our rosy hopes.
The grief has no borders,
no limits,
no known ends
and the little infant graves
that edge the corners and fencerows of every cemetery
are never quite big enough to contain that grief.
Some sadnesses are permanent.
Dead babies do not give us memories.
They give us dreams.

-- Thomas Lynch, in The Compassionate Friends
Tidewater Chapter Newsletter, Volume 3, Issue

Fingerprints

Your fingerprints are on my heart.
Fingerprints that teach me about caring.
Fingerprints that teach me about love.
...
Fingerprints that teach me about courage.
Fingerprints that teach me about hope.
Fingerprints that bring me closer to my loved ones.
Fingerprints that bring me closer to myself.
In the time I cared for you my whole life changed --
never to be the same again
All this from tiny fingerprints that touch my heart.
You will live in my heart forever - never to be forgotten.
I will always love you.
You are my child.

-- Copyright © 2001 by Tom Krause

Tears

Whether they are the result of joy or sorrow,
tears are a response to emotions
for which we can find no words.
...
They reveal our most vulnerable self.
When we cry we are releasing the pain of the loss,
not the memory of the one we cherish.
The most dramatic rainbows
seem to follow the most severe storms.
Now when my eyes overflow,
I use a guided imagery technique
to visualize my tears washing away the pain
that I carry inside my heart and soul.
And when they finally stop,
I look for the brilliant rainbow of love and hope.
– Nina Bennett
Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice
at the end of the day
saying,
"I will try again tomorrow."

— Anonymous
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.
-- Unknown

Babies are EVERYWHERE...

Ever notice when you are pregnant it seems like the whole world is pregnant....while when you lose baby....EVERYONE has a BABY....I dread leaving my house to go to places that families take kids....like parks. I was out on Friday with my friend K and her kids, we took them to a park close to her so they could run off some energy and we saw no less then 4 infant seats. My friend K, didn't realize until then why I would avoid going to the park...it is not bad if I am with someone as then I can talk and AVOID thinking about what I am missing but alone...so I avoid parks and most places in general to be honest...

To be COMPLETELY honest....I could stay home every day and hide away from everyone because that is what would be the EASIEST right now...but I don't I am getting out of the house EVERY DAY for a bit. During the week to go to the gym and starting this week for Cat's 3 classes, skating, basketball and gymnastics. I am dreading them all because I can't control how many babies are going to around...basketball (started 2 weeks ago and I know)there is one in the class before and a pregnant women in her class...so I am watching her class from the treadmill as I do an extra workout...skating and gymnastics, my out is to go sit in my car and read. Cat is use to us dropping off and coming back for a portion so I am lucky with that...on the weekend we do at least one outing as a family.


This weekend our family outing was a trip to the mall which had a fair that had taken up for the weekend...Cat's best friend and our neighbour's parents both work for the company that owns the rides so we had some free passes to use. I ran into a few of my coworkers, which was nice as the run ins are somewhat normal...

I have started to hate the question  "HOW ARE YOU DOING?" or "How is your day?" I never thought I would but let me tell you that those are questions I have no clue how to answer...do you really want the truth......the one were I tell you "my husband particularly had to drag me out of the house this afternoon because right before we left I lost all desire to leave and was thankful when our daughter fell asleep in the car so the first part of the afternoon changed from skating to driving out to the river and checking out island 22"....or the one were I say..." as good as I can be... " which is what I have been saying. I know that people that ask me that truly care won't judge me for the first answer but I feel like I don't want to burden people anymore then I do...I am not someone who likes to ask for much I would much rather give...so here is a free piece of advice...if you want to do coffee with me or have lunch etc if you ask me....I will rarely say no...I just may move the day so I can ensure I am not over doing the visits...I find if I do too much I avoid grieving and end up struggling later in the week which is what happened this last week...






Friday, March 23, 2012

Why?

I keep wondering why.....why.....why me??? What did I possibly do to deserve to be this sad..I have always believe that:
 "EVERY THING HAPPENS FOR A REASON"

 "WE ARE ONLY GIVEN WHAT WE CAN MANAGE"

...these are what got me through my wedding when my grandmother whom I was close to passed away 10 days before I was to get married and we had to rearrange my whole wedding as people decided not to attend.... I am trying to keep my faith in these sayings to give me some comfort in this HORRIBLE journey...but it is horrible I am not a crier and it seems like all I do is cry...I know that I am border line depressed....I am fighting this battle every day, I have no desire to go to my Doctor, I have not seen my doctor since I got pregnant I went straight to my midwives, so I know we will have to review everything and I will most likely see newborns at the office (no interest in this).

I am also struggling with having the desire to parent Cat. I love her BUT I felt yesterday that I had no energy to deal with her..which means  she has been watching way too much TV. Thanks to having a babysitter (while I went to the gym) and  a neighbourhood friend of hers she spent the morning and afternoon at the park in the beautiful sunshine. I know I could have called on some friends to watch her but with it being spring break I don't want to add an extra child on to anyone...so instead she has been stuck with me for the past 2 days (to make up for a couple boring days Mariusz and I took her to the pool to swim tonight). 

Why me??? I don't think we will ever get an answer....I keep hoping that this will strengthen our family as well as be something that we can use to one day make a difference in someway...how or  when I am not sure yet but we will do something, her passing will not be in vain...I should call it a night, I have a busy day tomorrow with a work out, lunch/playdate with my Friend K and then off with Mariusz and Cat to pick out paint so we can redo Cat's room this weekend.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Goodbye Before Hello

God, why does my heart mourn for this loss that has me sworn, I don't understand why this had to happen to me. Why me I ask as I pray tears still raw on my face.

My heart is broke never to mend I had no idea of the pain that could prevail from within, never did I believe I could hurt so bad.

Selfishly I am hurting when I know you carry my daughter upon your eternal haven and she's happy in the gates of heaven never to feel the pain that I am feeling as a lost mother of a daughter who's past.

I don't know which direction to turn my path into perspective. I will never be the same once so happy as I was ready to welcome my little baby .

As I felt her grow and kick and hiccup I was so ecstatic yet my miracle turned to agony never guessing what the doctors would say to me awful words linger my mind "there is no heart beat", "you lost her and there's nothing to be done but to prepare yourself for the unknown of having a daughter that's already gone", to hold her lifeless body and to have to say goodbye before ever saying hello.

© Christy         
Source: Goodbye Before Hello, Baby Death Poem http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/goodbye-before-hello#ixzz1pmko0M3u
www.FamilyFriendPoems.com

Month 1 of this Journey

As I woke up this morning and knew that today is the one month anniversary of Emmie's birth...I kept thinking today I should just have a newborn...how did this go so WRONG....I angry to be going down this path. I wanted this little girl...my being pregnant was PLANNED it wasn't a surprise it was PLANNED...I was ready for bad news right up until we got all the results back from the genetics testing and ultrasound even up to 36 weeks because I knew that babies that come before then can survive but may not....but after 37 weeks I figured I was safe....YEAH right SAFE....boy wasn't that dumb of me to think...I sit here crying well I write..wishing Emmie was here and thinking I would give anything to have her....When we got pregnant with Cat it was not planned, it did not completely shock us as I had said "if we got pregnant now you would be done school and working..." and 4 weeks later we got the positive test, as much as we wanted children it was a shock...with Emmie she was wanted beyond what I can explain in words....Some background: My husband had been wanting a second child for years and I was not sold...in 2010/early 2011, 2 of my best friends had there 3rd children...both girls and I was sold I was finally ready to expand our family...we waiting until June because I wanted a spring baby so I would be off for the summer with Cat and the baby...haha didn't the world teach me I go back to work in June...just in time for Cat to be done school...

 “We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” -E.M. Forester

As I work to be willing to let go of my plans...I have been working out for the past week, and for the most part I feel so much better, today I worked it hard out of sadness...because deep down I know I should not be working out I should be with my newborn and since I can't be I am desperately trying to find the silver lining..and that is I have 10ish weeks before I go back to work so I am going to make the best of them.

One of this "silver lining" things is that on Monday we went to the Lady A concert, as I was driving to Abbotsford (30 mins away) to pick up my husband I cried, all the way because all I could think is we should NOT be going to this concert I should have been in labour or had a newborn...I ended up enjoying myself  more then I had ever thought but I still feel like I should have gone...bittersweet is what it was... I also spent my drive on Sunday back from my mom's house crying as well because I was thinking about how my dad was away in Vietnam for 10 days and he was bring back some gifts for the grand kids and instead of him buying 3 dolls he was only buying 2...

People ask how we are, well a month into this process, I am:
  • focusing on getting my work out done each day
  • focusing on not planning more then a week out
  • reminding myself that am surround by an amazing support system, filled with family, friends and coworkers
  • reminding myself that it is OKAY to cry
  • reminding myself that it is OKAY to be happy
  • reminding myself that it is OKAY to simply be
My wonderful husband is doing better...he has had sometimes the hardest jobs because if I can't do something he does it...he has been back to work and although some days he struggles to focus he is doing his best.

And the Kiddo...well she has been my main concern and she is okay, some days she has a few meltdowns and others she amazes us with her maturity and compassion...her biggest complaint this past weekend was that she wants to spend more time with her baby cousin...so somehow we are going to have to arrange that...even though I am not ready for spending time with my nephew (for those that don't know he was born just after midnight on the 23rd of Feb)

One month into this journey down.....so many more to come.....

Time has taken me from you

Time has taken me from you,
Although not very far.
I'll be watching through the sunshine
... And through the brightest star.

I'll be watching all of you,
From the heavens up above.
So take good care of each other
And carry all my love.

If you're ever wondering
If I'm there, here's where you can start.
Take a look inside yourself
Deep within your heart.

I'll always be your baby,
Your child (grandchild), your best friend.
So anytime you need me,
Close your eyes I'm back again.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Spring Cleaning and Friends

I spent the past weekend spring cleaning our garage and moving all the baby stuff down to the garage. I had it all wrapped up just waiting for my husband to have time to help me move stuff around the garage to get all the baby room stuff down there. I had been unsure about what to turn the baby room into and I finally decided that a book room is what it will be.

I am a HUGE book lover and read ALL the time, my husband is shocked if I don't have a computer or a book in my hands. I am trying to pass  that love to my daughter with her in grade one I am not sure yet if it is working..anyways I have tons of books as does she so I thought not only will this room work perfect for a guest room but it I put our books in it we have a space to enjoy them as well as not be afraid to go into the room. I also figured this way if I can put some of our Mementos of Emmie and my grandma (who passed way 9 years ago this July) in there as well...since we have so little space on our main floor to have items out.

I am amazing going through this experience how truly amazing my friends are...last week I had a text to meet for breakfast (couldn't as it was my trainer day, next time M), Sunday Mariusz went for lunch with his friend so I took Cat, and we went to K's house for a play date for the kids and chat time for us. Coffee with my friend S and today coffee and a play date for the kids at J's house...it has been awesome to have to company the past few days as it makes having Cat home all week.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Still by Gerrit Hofsink

“Lost you before I found you,

gone before you came,

but I love you just the same.

Missed you before I met you,

on earth we never can,

but in heaven we’ll meet again.”


 

Friday, March 16, 2012

Bereaved Parents Wishlist...

I didn't write this post so I can't take the credit. If you do know who wrote it please let me know. I changed he to she to make it more personal for me and not everything is my wishlist but the bulk of it is very accurate for very many and I didn't want to change it. I am safe to say though that #1 on the list is #1 on every single bereaved parents wish list. This is going on my fridge  as sometimes my husband forgets:

1. I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had her back.

2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that she was important to you also.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

5. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.
6. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but, I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

7. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

9. I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that she is dead.

10. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

11. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.
12. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

13. When I say "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

14. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

15. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However,sometimes a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

16. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.
17. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with her. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

18. I wish very much that you could understand; understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT I pray daily that you will never understand.

Exercise and Shopping

one that I am beginning  to LOVE and one I am HATING, can you guess which is which....

Well I am beginning to LOVE EXERCISE... I have always enjoyed running but I never realized how much it allows me to focus on nothing but my body, breathing and music. I got my program today from my trainer and it is going to be challenging but I think I am going to rock it, lots of core work and back/front work just want I want.

Now you may wonder how any women could HATE shopping well, I hate it now unless I am doing it on-line...I still love on-line much to my husbands horror. I hate going to stores...Last weekend I went to Walmart, bad idea...tonight Costco even worse. I went to Costco to stock up and pick up a bathing suit (part of my fitness program is going to have me back into swimming which I have not done in 12 years scary), what is Costco and walmart filled with...

BABY clothes, diapers, and books, not to mention the pregnant women and babies. All of these things SUCK when you are grieving the loss of an infant, I kept thinking at both places I should be here with Emmie...I should be buying baby stuff not avoiding these areas and at Costco good luck avoiding baby stuff they put it all over the place...I know I could have avoid both for a little longer  (I can only trust my husband to do so much of the shopping, he is wonderful but he does not enjoy it nor will spend the time to price things out like I do) but wanted to get it over with, I have no desire to go back to either I was feeling fine before going into both and coming out I am sad...we were suppose to go out for dinner tonight and I bailed and had Mariusz go though the drive thru at Wendy's so we could eat in the truck...

It is amazing that 4 weeks ago I had no idea that I would be avoiding doing something I use to like...

“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” -E.M. Forester

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Emmie's Home...

She came home they way that NO child should ever come home.....in an URN. Mariusz picked it up yesterday, I thought I would feel something relief, sadness at least something....the only thing I am feeling today is peacefulness. I think it is because I had to explain to Cat yesterday about Cremation and Urns...that is fun telling your 6 year old that her sister is burned....To start with she told me Emmie could not be coming home as she was in heaven, my explanation was her heart and soul are there but her body has to stay here on earth and what our options are. It was much easier then I had thought and she is okay with it so far.


We have had some discussion about what to do with Emmie's ashes and I think we have finally decided that she will be buried with Mariusz or I when our time comes. I want her with us and we are possibly expecting that some big moves are could be in our future and I am not okay with leaving Emmie behind. Which is better in some ways and worse in others...we will have no cemetery to visit to leave flowers or allow others to visit, but it allows me peacefulness that she is with us. To honour her we are working on changing up our back garden and will be making it Emmie's Garden, and when we move pieces of the plants will come with us as well as any garden items we put in it. As well as it is on my list to find out where we can do and plant a tree in her honour. I would like to be at our local park so some research needs to be done. I would like to plant it next spring in her honour.



                                

"Find Her in the Smallest of Miracles" by Franchesca Cox | RedBubble:

Spring Cleaning

I always have a need to get my house in order but lately it is almost obsessive....I had to get Emmie's room done so I did it, I am know waiting for the weekend so Mariusz and I can do the garage and move all the baby items to the garage.


Yesterday it was our master bedroom closet, I took everything out of the dresser and closet through it on the bed and went for it...2 hours later Mariusz and I have an ridiculously organized closet and dresser. My maternity clothes have been boxed into a return to borrow box and a keep box (I ended up with way more then I thought I had...oops I was not suppose to "buy" any clothes this pregnancy as it was "suppose" to be my last...


Once the garage is done then Mariusz and I are going to do the office and a few more closets including Cat's...then I will be done...what is on my list to do next well....my garden, I want to overhaul the back yard and so some work to our cedars...cleaning isn't making me feel better but it is giving me some control back which I feel is lacking.....

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Day 22 of the Journey

I am sitting on my couch looking out the window at the snow that again is falling.....and all I can think of is this winter has had soo much snow including the day of Emmie's shower. The day I came home from the hospital we had snow,  2 weeks ago today at Emmie's Tea it was snowing just like today, I took peace in it then and to be honest I am taking it again today. To me the snow is so pure and when I look out and see our local mountains covered in snow I am always in awe and love heading out to the Ski Hill simply because of how beautiful it is. So for once I want the the snow to  just keep coming...maybe snow in the summer? Kidding  :-)

I hate looking at a calender it makes confuses me as 3 weeks have never dragged by but at the same time flown by...I can't believed that 3 weeks ago my life was changed in a way I would never have thought, that one could be so sad, and angry. As well as I never thought I would struggle with leaving my home...I am not to the point were one should be concerned but I am very focused on where I go, when I go and most importantly whom I go with. I try hard to make sure I am out with people that will support me if I lose it...I don't think this will happen but one never knows.  I thought that I would start feeling better but I am not really...I find that the past 10 days I have cried more then I did the first 10...I also think that might be because my rock...AKA husband is back at work and I am left on my own for a good portion of the week. I know it gives me too much time to think, read and be on facebook...facebook is so hard for me, as I want to be back to my "normal" posting but I am not..I would make people sad if I posted what I was really thinking most of the time, so I carefully edit my posts, as well as things pop up on my news feed...like the pictures of my sisters shower and my friend S's shower, so then I have to go and stalk there pages, which is not a good thing as they make me cry.

 My friend S's page as she looks so beautiful so close to the end, and then I find out she is on bed rest so I worry for her in the same minute this is there first term pregnancy...as well as we were so excited to both be having girls and figured they would be 3-4 weeks apart and how cool it would be for them growing up as S's husband is my husband's good friend from childhood. This is not going to happen now, and it makes me so sad.  I wanted them to know we are here and Cat is super excited to meet their daughter.  So Mariusz called them last night to let them know we are thinking of them as well as to make sure we are kept in the loop...I may not be able to visit with them for awhile, but as I write this I think that no matter how long I wait it is not going to get easier I am sure I am going to completely breakdown...so I wonder when is it going to be the right time and maybe earlier is better then later...

On a great note though: Today I achieved one amazing goal,  I have a trainer and friday I will have a plan, for 5 days a week, not only to hit the weights, but to get back into training for a 5 km running and...gasp back into the pool swimming..I have not been back in the water for almost 12 years...oh and this women now needs a one piece bathing suit as I know my new suit I got last summer in Vegas is not for actual swimming.  After my meeting today, for the first time in weeks I had a smile on my face and feel like I have something to do and I know I will look hot after and feel good.

Well time for me get on with my day...Ms Cat is home and wants to go play in the snow...






Monday, March 12, 2012

Sunday...baby showers and the"baby's" room

Sunday started off okay but by the end of the day I was an emotional mess, I spent the afternoon packing up the "baby's" room...I have never called Emmie's room hers....I have always referred to it as the Baby's room...I have no clue why but I do... I have it basically packed it up, it took me 2 days to set it up and a few hours to have it packed up, mostly because most of the clothes had sorted and boxed awaiting her arrival before I washed them.

I have wanted this done for the past week, as I feel this room is false advertising it screams ANTICIPATION not GRIEVING, I got it mostly done so now to get the stuff down to the garage for storage, we are getting rid of almost nothing....I am going to sell the crib set as I don't LOVE it, and give away all the diapers, formula and some wipes we have. The diapers etc are being donated to a local organization that I learnt about this fall while working with the United Way. It is called Sardis Doorways http://www.sardiscommunitychurch.com/children.html they work with single mom's that need help, I have friends and my sister who most likely could use this stuff but I want it to go to someone that needs help.  

This week Mariusz and I are going to try to get working on the garage so that we can put everything away, once that happens I need to figure out what type of crib we have so I can order the double bed kit, so I can convert that room to a guest room and no longer have it be so sad...I am no way trying to forget about Emmie, I am someone who likes to get things done and knowing that this room needs to be done and what it stands for is driving me crazy.

Baby showers....the worst thing about having many friends and my sister due the same time I was is the baby showers that are now happening. My sister had one yesterday then I declined to attend as well as a friend of mine is due in April and had invited me to attend her shower which I had said I would attend, before Emmie's passing, I ended up canceling as it was not were I wanted to be, but it sucks. This is my friends first daughter and we were so excited for them as well as to both be having girls so close together and we want to support them but I can't I am so sad...just looking at her pictures of the shower has me in tears...I also found out she was put on bed rest, which worries me, my hubby is going to touch base with them to make sure she is doing well. I had yet to buy her gift, all the other babies in our lives I got gifts in January for I am not sure why I did not get hers, and now I don't want to as I know I will be in tears, so I think I am going to simple just buy them a Gift Card to Toys r us, not my normal baby gift but my life is no longer my old normal.

My new normal has me avoiding baby showers, babies in general and crying on a daily basis. Oh and paying more attention to where I am seated in restaurants etc...because last night we went to White Spot and we had to be seat in the only section that had a newborn baby in it (whom was crying), then we went to Walmart and I had to pass the baby section and of course another baby...all too much...so last night was a long night, I had trouble falling a sleep  happened about 2 am, which had me not get up until 10:30 am. Sometimes I feel the more time that passes the sadder I am getting....

Missing you Emmie!!

Saturday, March 10, 2012

My new "Normal" -Author Unknown

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Easter.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind.


Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and her birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special that my baby would have loved, but how she is not here to enjoy it.


Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

Normal is making sure that others remember her.

Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.

Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.

Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have three children or two, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have two children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.

Normal is avoiding McDonald's and Burger King playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them.

Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.

Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal"

Friday, March 9, 2012

When A Baby Dies



I found this on a Blog today that is perfect for the way I have/am feeling

Due Date

Yes today was Emmie's due date....and what is the first thing I see on my facebook a friend of mine gave birth to her 3 rd child this morning on Emmie's due date...I am happy for them they are super sweet people, they put out an amazing book http://www.imaginekids.ca/ Cat and my niece were part of the book last year . As well as they took an image that we had of Emmie's hand with ours and made us a print of it and it is now sitting on our fire place right by our TV.

Here is a picture of it at from the Memorial Tea


Today, I had a visit from my Midwives at the house, I am very thankful that I have had my midwifes they have provided me support I never would have thought I would have. I have had weekly visits to my home the past 2 weeks and they will do my 4 week visit and 6 week visit at my home as well to make it easier on me. I spent 2 hours speaking with Hayley today and I feel much better about where I am in my grieving process as well as gave me the okay to start working out. We spent a fair but of time speaking about my delivery, as well as my pregnancy as well as what my next one would look like....

I am finding today I am much sadder then I was yesterday but that is not a surprise as I expected it. I looked at the due date as my last day of work more then anything as I was sure Emmie was going to be late like her sister....My midwife says that she asked an OB GYN about her size as she was only 5lbs 2 ozs at 38 weeks...I just grow small babies...not a bad thing I think?

It is hard to have so many friends having babies as well as showers, last weekend I was suppose to go to a shower for a friend that I had cancelled on, this weekend my sister is having a shower and once again I am not going....I am not really up to seeing my sister and really not interested in seeing her son...I know it is harsh but I am so angry that my daughter is coming home in an Urn.....I am going to finally call my Employee Cares line tonight since my time today has gone so quickly, to get them working on counselling as I know these feeling .... One always thinks that having babies close to your friends is a good thing...well if you are in my boat it SUCKS...because everyone else is celebrating and I am missing my baby....and wondering WHY?

Some people only dream of angels...I held one in my arms

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Something to live by...

I found this tonight and loved it:


NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS FOR BEREAVED PARENTS

I resolve:

That I will grieve as much and for as long as I feel like grieving, and that I will not let others put a time table on my grief.


That I will grieve in whatever way I feel like grieving, and I will ignore those who try to tell me what I should or should not be feeling and how I should or should not be behaving.


That I will cry whenever and wherever I feel like crying, and that I will not hold back my tears just because someone else feels I should be "brave" or "getting better" or "healing by now."



That I will talk about my child as often as I want to, and that I will not let others turn me off just because they can't deal with their own feelings.



That I will not expect family and friends to know how I feel, understanding that one who has not lost a child cannot possibly know how I feel.



That I will not blame myself for my child's death, and I will constantly remind myself that I did the best job of parenting I could possibly have done. But when feelings of guilt are overwhelming, I will remind myself that this is a normal part of the grief process and it will pass.



That I will not be afraid or ashamed to seek professional help if I feel it is necessary.

That I will commune with my child at least once a day in whatever way feels comfortable and natural to me, and that I won't feel compelled to explain this communion to others or to justify or even discuss it with them.



I will keep the truth in my heart--the truth that my child is always with me in spirit.



That I will try to eat, sleep, and exercise every day in order to give my body strength it will need to help me cope with my grief.



To know that I am not losing my mind and I will remind myself that loss of memory, feelings of disorientation, lack of energy, and a sense of vulnerability are all a normal part of the grief process.



To know that I will heal, even though it will take a long time.



To let myself heal and not feel guilty about not feeling better sooner.



To remind myself that the grief process is circuitous--that is, I will not make steady upward progress. And when I find myself slipping back into the old moods of despair and depression, I will tell myself that "slipping backward" is also a normal part of the mourning process, and that these moods, too, will pass.



To try to be happy about something for some part of every day, knowing that at first, I may have to force myself to think cheerful thoughts so eventually they can become a habit.



That I will reach out at times and try to help someone else, knowing that helping others will help me to get over my depression.



That even though my child is dead, I will opt for life, knowing that is what my child would want me to do

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Thank You Card

Bubble Girl Thank You Card
For hundreds of thank you card designs, click here.
View the entire collection of cards.

Sad....

Sad is a word that does not seem to convey what I am feeling....I am just can't put it into words how I feel... Today was not a good day, I tried hard for Cat's sake but I was a mess....I am so desperately sad, and I want my baby to becoming home...I had breakfast with my mom yesterday and told her that I feel like I keep thinking I am going to wake up from this nightmare...I keep wondering how this happened and why to us...I find that I am always on a tight rope now...I feel like a fraud when I am out having a "normal" life, but I need something because today was not fun... I think the next 2 weeks are going to be hard as my due date was March 9 (Friday), I was not committed to this date as I had figured I would be closer to the 19th, and then 21st marks the fist month of Emmie's passing. We should also be getting Emmie's Ashes, we were told 10 days and I won't be surprised if we get them Friday...

Mariusz is going to try to get his work to allow him to work 4- 10 hour days to give me some support on Fridays so the weeks aren't so long, but most likely I have a feeling that starting next week he will be going back to working overtime...funny how just 2 weeks ago we were both working long, long hours and then spent almost 2 weeks off....how our lives change with a simple phrase...we can't find a heartbeat....Regardless if  he can get the shorter work week, next week I think he is going to go back to working OT, to help offset the fact that my EI is going to start 4 weeks earlier then we had planned as well as, I applied super late since I was not in the right mind set to do it sooner. I don't want him to as it lengthens my day but with a trip to Seattle in April and with everything the extra money will make our lives easier....if anything right now is easy...

I have made the decision to get a trainer to get me in shape, not sure how this is going to get put into the budget but to be honest I need something that will give me an outlet. with me being off until June to focus on myself, my thought is that I need to do both the mental and physical, no excuses not to have time now...I have 6 hours a day to myself.

I was just about to post when Mariusz came in with the mail, I have been awaiting the mail as we had the photographer from NILMDTS  http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/ , I have been awaiting these images as Emmie was not in good shape so some work need to be done so we will hopefully have pictures to share...with the CD they also provided us with a letter with a forum to join to share our story. I go to sign up and I am stuck at a question that I always knew how to answer...Tell us about yourself...I have no clue what to say anymore...that makes me cry since I am always so self assured and now not so much...


Here are a few pictures of our Angel.....

Some people only dream of angels...I held one in my arms






Monday, March 5, 2012

Small Victories and Great Friends

This is what my husband says every time I am looking for a phrase to explain an achievements as it seems like I am trying to find something positive every day since it is so easy to be negative...I am trying to focus on theses victories, and finding small goals to strive for to make LIFE more manageable.

Today is my first day at home by myself...and I have 2 loads of laundry almost done, got rid of all the dead flowers from last week and am dressed in yoga pants but I am still out of my PJ's...helps that we had my cleaning lady coming so I have had some company...for a short time, my last goal for today is to make something for dinner, since our fridge is full of veggies, I am thinking either a veggie soup or pasta and sauce...we have found in the freezer but I thought I would attempt to cook for the first time in over 2 week.

Yesterday I achieved so many things that I am trying to keep today lower key....I drove for the first time in almost 2 weeks, I have had my licence for 12 years and this is the longest I have gone without driving...since I drove to the hospital we have been down to one car due to leaving Mariusz car at my mom's house, and yesterday we went to pick it up so I got to drive the truck...so strange. We went out to a movie in Mission with one of my best GF and her boys, we all had a great time, and I felt "normal" afterwards we headed over to her place and hung out with them for the evening. This is the first time my GF and I have had to discuss Emmie's passing...we did it, I didn't cry but I felt so much better after it... The only fail of yesterday was that the Chinese food we got had MSG in it so we ended up having to drop the car back off to my mom's house and straight to bed I went last night as I got my second migraine in 4 days...Thanks G family, we all needed a visit with you!

Saturday this weekend also saw us getting out after dinner for Ice Cream with my other best GF and her family...Mariusz tried 2x to get me out of the house and I won't leave because my head was still hurting add on to that Mariusz and I had our first disagreement....This is the longest I think we have gone with our disagreeing haha......since Emmie's passing. It was over him wanting to go shooting with his brother this weekend. I said I would prefer he didn't simplify because of a few things, the biggest is that my due date is Friday and Saturday was suppose to be my last working day....as well as that means he is out of the house for 6 full days and this is my first week alone....I want him to get away from all of this but I need him right now....shortly after this I broke down sobbing...which did not help my head or my mood..The Ice Cream invite came at a good time, thanks R family.

Tomorrow's goal is to head south with the Kiddo to get gas and pick up a few things waiting for us at Ship Happens after which a fun afternoon bowling with My GF's and their kids...I am the odd one out though...they each have 3 and I will have one.....

And I forgot this one....my weight I am back to by first appointment weight now to get below...just waiting for the OK from the midwives so I can hit the gym...

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Day 12 of the Journey

Yesterday I had a nasty migraine due to the accumulation of all the stress in the past 13 days, so I spent the day on some strong pills, so last night I did not sleep well, as I did not take my sleeping pills as I was concerned with the mixing of the drugs..so last nights sleep was very spotty and add that my head still hurts...it makes day 12 one that I want to hide from..I am also struggling to not take it out on my husband today, I know that he wants to help but nothing he says makes me feel better...
I hate this journey it SUCKS, and would like to know why we were given this path....I want to go back to a month ago so badly, I hate the crying I do it every day, I hate that sometimes I feel like I can forget get through the day and then at night I come unglued...I know that we are only given what we can manage...but WHY ME!!!!!! I struggle with this and I know it is so recent and I know that it has to get better but as someone who  just likes "to get things done" this process seems too much for me.  I have very little energy to do much or do I want to, I want to hide in my house and avoid all social situations, which is so opposite to the way I am normally....I keep telling my husband that I want to go back to NORMAL...but there is no more normal, that was taken from us on February 20 th when we were told our 2nd daughter was dead sleeping going to be stillborn. I want that little girl like I have never wanted anything..and instead of celebrating I sit here crying and being angry at life.

My sister just posted that my nephew is 9 days old...talk about a dig...I had her hidden from my facebook not sure why it popped up today, I don't want to see updates like this or her posting pictures of my niece bottle feeding him. She is celebrating 9 days and I am dealing 12 days of HELL....and fighting every night to go to bed and get up the next morning  (to be honest I hate going to bed because I know the next day I have to deal with missing my daughter). Then add on to the fact I am trying desperately to get rid of my milk....I knew she wasn't going to breast feeding she said she was but I knew and you know what I HATE IT....here I have been researching ways to dry up quickly and she isn't trying...I hate her status, her pictures and I really want to hate her...because I am so angry that I am dealing with the death of my daughter. I feel so harsh and feel the guilt of even thinking this but I am at the point where the anger is over riding every other emotion. I love my sister and I desperately hope that I can one day be happy for her but not right now....

We have had so many people tell me to reach out to them but to be honest, I don't want to....I am tired of people ( including my husband and mom) seeing me cry...and most importantly I am tired of who I am right now...I feel like I am a shell, I am either sad or angry if I am not one of these then I feel like I  am pretending...I want to simply hide, hoping that this nightmare will be over.....

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Feelings....

This post is probably going to be a post with no clear direction as my mind has been swirling....

Yesterday was the memorial tea for my little girl....so many emotions...FEAR was the largest, avoidance and just plainly sad....I shouldn't be here...I should be anywhere but here. I has shocked at how many people came out to the tea, people that I never would have expected like my regional VP, and Mariusz's work had people from all departments come...as well as all of our amazing friends...Fear not I will be leaning on you now that I am out of my self imposed solitary confinement.

In the last week, I have been struggling to not be afraid of people, especially our friends, I LOVE them, but having to face people who were as excited as were for the birth of the newest member to the "group". I am not someone who likes to be on the receiving end of anything, I much prefer to be the giver and in the background. So I am not only dealing with grief but am learning some heavy duty lessons here about myself and my relationship with my dearest hubby.

Today was the first day back to school for Cat, I asked Mariusz to stay home with me on Cat's first full day back to give me some support as well as because I am "afraid" to be home by myself (something that is new to me). So we went to the dump, value village as well as my dearest took me for lunch, we shared a sandwich at Original Joe's, then home to put away the items from the tea. And now Mariusz and Cat are out at the park with a friend who brought dinner for us....

Speaking of dinner, let me tell you how much I am shocked and again humbled we have received sooo many meals as well as have received GC's for dinner out amazing is what everyone is...my freezer that Mariusz and I had been working to empty so we could do a big cook this week to prepare for the baby is almost full again. I have never thought a meal could mean so much, and be so appreciated. One less thing for us really Mariusz to worry about...food for me is more of a necessity verses something I want to eat.

That is it for today....I am sure I will have more soon....