DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Emelina Danyelle Kaluski's Birth Story

Many people have been concerned about my care as well as have had questions about what happened. I thought that this would explain as well as help me.

On Saturday February 18, I spent the day working on the Emmie’s room and had some bad back pain, with such a busy day, that night I had a hard time remembering how often she had moved but I was sure I had movement first thing that morning. When pregnant with Cat (my first) she very rarely moved as well so I was not overly concerned)

On Sunday February 19, I was slightly concerned but after what I thought was some responsive kicks to my pushing on my stomach I continued to finish Emmie’s room. At 8 pm I finshed all of Emmie’s laundry as well as packed her diaper bag.

Monday started as it normally had, got cat on the bus and I went back to sleep for about an hour and half. I got up showered and got ready for my midwives appoint at 11 am. I got to my appointment and they were running slightly late so I patiently waited. Once the appointment started we (Joy) discussed a few things then I mentioned the lack of movement she immediately went to find a heartbeat and could not. I was concerned and broke down but the previously week they had had problems I kept hoping that when we got to the hospital we would find it right off.

While I composed myself to drive my midwife (Joy) organized for the Cheryl the midwife on call to meet me at the hospital as well as to contact the hospital so they were expecting me. I contacted Mariusz and cried through telling him to meet me at the hospital as well had him contact a friend to pick up Cat as she was to come home on the bus(as much as I was holding out hope I knew then what the outcome was deep down). I got to the Abbotsford Hospital about 12 noon, and met Mariusz in the parking lot.

We went straight up to the Maternity ward and were quickly taken to triage and put on the table. The nurse spent 15 minutes looking for a heartbeat and could find anything. Once Cheryl got there she continued as well as brought out a ultrasound at the point she told us there was a very little chance the Doctor on call most likely would not be able to either. We then contacted my mom to tell her we were in the hospital and she needed to get Cat. We waited until about 1:00ish until the Doctor came in and tried, he spent 10 minute looking before he said, “Obviously it shouldn’t take me this long to find a heartbeat, I am sorry… now you can wait to deal with this for a day or two”. I looked at Mariusz and said I want this done today. Cheryl then wiped up my stomach and they left the area so Mariusz and I could grieve. Cheryl came back in so we could discuss our options as well as to provide us some support while we waited for the doctor to come back in. At this time Mariusz started to make calls to Family and Friends to let them now of what we were going through
The doctor came in and said Emmie was lying sideways so he wanted to try to turn her as a natural birth would be easier on me as well as would be better. At this point Mariusz got a call to say Cat got on the bus so poor Mariusz was left to deal with the fact no one was home and tell my mom what was happening while the Doctor was turning the baby.

Once we got the call to say Cat was safe and my mom was at the house to pack for Cat and for us…because I had not packed anything for me…and even then with the emotions running high on all sides lots of things were missed…like a night gown.

About 2:30 we were taken into our room, which they had given us at the end of a small hallway so we would be away from everyone else and not have to hear babies crying etc. We were given Hayley as our Nurse which was very comforting as I had met with her the previous week at the Mid Wife’s clinic as she will be joining them once she gets her hospital privileges until then she is an amazing nurse who was with us for the first 5 hours. She was with us when they started the induction I think about 4:30, which is when they put a very small amount of a pill in the cervix to get things started…it did not. While this was all happening I was starting to get a headache because in everything that had happened I had barely eaten as well as never got my tea, which always causes caffeine in dosed headache. So Hayley not only got me Tylenol, she also made me a cup of tea in an actually cup…no plastic or Styrofoam (made me feel so cared about)

We then waited….my mom came by about 5ish (I think could have been earlier for all I know it seemed like forever )and spent time with us and discussed how to tell Cat as that is what I was the most concerned about. She then left to go home and prepare Cat she end up having to tell her as how else do you explain why they were coming to the hospital without her being excited or scared for me, they came up to the hospital close to 7:30sih and we spent almost an hour with her. At 7:30 Hayley left for the night and had Jacquie as our nurse (she herself has had a lot of loss in her life, as recently as this summer more about her later). Cat was initially scared of the hospital… she is very happy to tell everyone that the hospital is not scary but pretty cool. After Cat left the Doctor put in a second dose LATE…grr and once again it was a very small dose that was doing nothing….

Since there was so much waiting we were able to spend some time with Jacquie (as my nurses were there for only me) she provided us some insight on what would happen in the coming weeks with the meals that were going to come, that people will want to help and support and more importantly gave me some advice I am desperately repeating to myself everyday…..LET PEOPLE HELP YOU…. My mom came back about the same time that I was given a sleeping pill to get some sleep. Around 1 am my Doctor came back in to do a third dose, which was slightly larger than the first 2 but not much. He then decided I should sleep until the next morning…so the induction was stalled…I slept okay...Mariusz and my mom spent the night sharing the bed and rocking chair…

I woke up about 7 ish in time to say goodbye to Jacquie our night nurse and have Hayley come in. We then had to wait until the Doctor had time to come in…she finally came in around 8 am and increased the dose by about 200% which got things started somewhat but we would still have hours to go…Cheryl come in around 10ish I think to check on me as well….I sent my mom down to the store to get me a notebook because at this point any false hope I had been holding onto was done… I think every woman in my case would have wished for that miracle….that they doctor was wrong and she would come out breathing….

Like I said at this point I needed to start planning for what would happen once I left the hospital, as any who knows me I am a planner and I needed to have some of that control back…. So I started writing, what I wanted my Facebook status to say, that I wanted all my notification on my Facebook turned off( I am still on it just when I want to be) what I wanted for a service in Emmie’s Honour everything so when faced with any decisions …this helped with the waiting

After the 4th dose I shortly started to get back pain and was very uncomfortable so with some urging from my mom I requested my first shot of morphine… and shortly after got my 5th even stronger dose of the induction medication…I then tried to get some more sleep. This was more of a twilight sleep…after that it seemed like a lot of clock watching. But the thing about being drugged I was at peace with what was happening even if my nurses and mother were all very frustrated over the delays that the first doctor had caused.

I then got a second dose of morphine as I was starting to get uncomfortable again. I was checked around 4ish and it was decided not to give me any more induction medication as I was starting to move along she figured it would be 6-8 hours… I did have to get an IV as the morphine was not lasting the full 6 hours and the whole goal of a stillborn birth is that the mother is in as little pain as they can. Once the booster hit I made it until I got the 3rd shot. I think this is about the time Hayley contacted Cheryl to come in.

Around 7 ish Hayley knew I would not be giving birth on her shift and she was very upset by this as she wanted to support me (such an amazing women). I was having constant contractions by this time at 7:30 pm my night nurse came on and I was very cautions as we were not sure what she would be like (turns our Mandy our nurse was a midwife in south Africa once upon a time) she spent the first bit of her shift with hand on my stomach to feel the contractions. My mom and Mariusz were in need of some food and coffee so I had them call my sister Jacelyn to bring them food as neither were leaving me. As Jacelyn walked in the room at about 8 pm and Mariusz walked down to eat his dinner in the patients lounge. My water broke and I hit transition so they quickly had to get Cheryl and get me a morphine booster as well as I started on the laughing gas…which my sister, Mariusz and Mom can attest I had some struggles with….I went from 5 cm to deliver in less than 50 minutes. Emmie had her cord very tightly wrapped around her neck 4 times very tightly as well as I had a tight knot in the cord. As well as it was decided she passed away sometime Saturday based on the condition of her skin.

Mandy then cleaned up Emmie, weighted her, measured, as well as dressed her all while my mom took photos and then everyone got to hold my perfect like girl. Emmie looked just like her older sister. They could have been twins. We then had Now I lay me down, an amazing organization of photographers come down to complete photos of Emmie. At this point my sister and mom left to go to our house to get us some more clothes as well as to put all the baby stuff in one room…I can only image how hard that was for them. She arrived around 10 pm unfortunely she wanted to do family shots but I was awaiting the delivery of my placenta… it took another induction and 2 hours before I finally was able to deliver it. After I was showered they gave me something to sleep and off to sleep I went.

The next morning the Doctor on call from the previous day came in to tell me that I was able to go home whenever I was ready. We then were told by Mandy that my sister had arrived during the night….and was in active labour. We were awaiting my dad who flow in that morning as well as Cat to come and meet her little sister. Once they arrived her had Emmie come and join us, Cat spent a 30 seconds looking at her she then left and went with my dad to get coffee. My mom then took photos of Mariusz and me holding Emmie.

We were able to have Cat seen by a Child Support Worker that day at the hospital and she validated that Cat understood what was happening as well as was dealing with it well. We then packed up around 12ish and for the first time in 48 hours I was leaving the hospital. I was afraid of arriving home……it was not until I got to the truck and realized we were leaving without our Emmie.

Emelina got her Angel Wings on February 21, 2012
5lbs 2 oz
18 inches

Kaluski Family

Normally I would be able to write about our family without even thinking...that all changed on Monday February 20th, 2012 I will always have to think.

My name is Danyelle, I always say at this point Mom to (as being a mom is the most important role in my life) well I am a mom to one living beautiful girl Catarina and a beautiful angel Emelina who was born sleeping February 21st. I know it has been so soon so I shouldn't feel so lost about this but I am...for someone whose job is to make decisions based on what I see since I work for a national bank until recently as a Senior Account Manager and have been training as a Manager of the tellers.

I have a husband Mariusz who works as a Mechanical Designer for a local company. He is a hunter and simply the biggest support.

Catarina, is 6 and half year old girl who has more personality then I would have ever expected. She keeps us our toes every day. She has a love hate relationship with school as this year it is much more about learning but every day I see improvement in reading and writing.

This past week has been the BIGGEST challenge of our lives...and the coming weeks and months are not going to get easier. I plan to use this blog to express not only mine and my families challenges but our achievements because I know one day we will see the sun after the storm.