DISCLAIMER

DISCLAIMER: This blog is being used to help me deal with the passing of our daughter Emelina, whom was delivered stillborn on Feb 21. These are MY feelings and I will not be sorry for having them.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas!

Colorful Joy Christmas Card
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Tuesday, December 11, 2012

The Holiday's are coming......

I sit here dreading that they are just around the corner... Add in the end of a year that had me wondering why we even started the year...

I am that person who has her decorations up Dec 1, has an open house the 2 weekend every December and who LOVES to bake and give gifts. This year my decorations are a cardboard tree, I had no open house as we moved, and I have no desire to do anything, holiday related. I got what I needed done but I so not interested....

Grieving the loss of your child is a lot add moving 1200 km's , starting a new job and living with ones parents stress is my first name. I miss my support network, I miss my routines and I am beyond frustrated that I sit here grieving.... I am not angry I can't be but I am frustrated that at almost 10 months I am still dreading events/holiday's why couldn't it all have happened sooner... Just when I think I am getting a hang on this journey...I get brought back to the beginning ... I miss what we should be doing, I miss where Em should be but what I can't miss is how truly truly amazing my daughter Cat, has been when I am at my lowest she is why I push forward. She is why I truly feel blessed in a way that I never could have. 7 years ago I gave birth to her and was told..." she is going to wise beyond her years, she is going to have an old soul" this could not have been closer to the truth.

Don't get me wrong I am beyond sad but angry wasn't helping me and I am someone who always wants to push forward even when I have no idea what I Doing.... Grief doesn't quite work like this ... Here's what I know in 37 days we are heading to Florida my husband has a conference so Cat and I are joining him for a week of Disney World and sun :-)

Just want I will need after the holidays.






Sunday, November 4, 2012

Thoughts and thoughts....

I sit here tonight waiting for my new scrapbook template to download...I was suppose to be creating a photo book but alas I sitting waiting for my computer to catch up. So while I wait I decided that it was time to do some posting before my life goes crazy.

So were are we....well our house has sold and I moved in with my friend J and we had no idea how long this would be........and last week I got not one job offer but two job offers, and the decision of where I was going to be working in Calgary was up to me...that has NEVER happened to me. So I decided on branch in the far far south east as it is an new branch that is set up very close to the type of branch I am presently working at.

I am having so many mixed emotions...up until now I am had something holding me in BC....house, work now I have nothing. I am so excited to be back with my family but honestly I rarely let myself even think about the fact that I am not with them, I am always waiting for the next trip.


 
But next week we will be all together with a new job, and a new life....I am not sure what is scarier, dealing with grief or moving to a new city and starting over....What I know is that I am going to miss my friend J and her FAMILY...especially a little girl who has honestly stolen my heart, she makes me laugh and watching her start walking makes me realize that even though I have been hesitate on whether or not to go though with another pregnancy that I honestly want another child around just do we do it through adoption or pregnancy....
 
 

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving

Wishing a Happy thanksgiving to all my friends and family! it is so easy to forget to be thankful... This year has been a hard reminder for us...I am thankful every day for an amazing support network, best husband ever, my strong resilient daughter, and truly thankful for the happiness that has found it's way back into my life.

Missing my Emelina but so blessed to be surrounded with my family and best friends.

What are you thankful for on this beautiful fall day???

Monday, October 1, 2012

Life as we know it...

This past year has been a year of many many challenges and NOTHING that we thought would happen has....we have truly turned out lives over to what will be. Last week show just truly whole crazy life can be....

Our house sold...and not just sold we had subjects removed today and have possession next week so we moved out this past weekend....yes we moved out before subjects had been removed as  completion is in 4 days and I needed help which was only available this weekend.

We are so going to miss our home and our neighbours...after 5.5years we are officially (the house is empty) moving on...and forward. As the house sold MONTHS, before I expected it so I have yet to even look at a transfer.




 
 
 Thankfully my amazing friend J...who had been feeling Cat and I all summer has opened up her home to me. So until I have a transfer I couch surf...which is funny because honestly I had so many many offers. I have had friends and acquaintance all offer a room to me. I am so blessed to seriously have such amazing people in my life. Some days it is easy to feel alone and it just proves all I have do is reach out. A nice reminder that reaching out is something I need to do more.
 
So life as we know it has....changed and I think we are on the right path...too bad it all started with the loss of Miss Emelina but it has taught me some very important lessons.... 
 
 
 
 
 


Saturday, September 22, 2012

Are you a True Believer.....

We are...if we hadn't been some where in the past 9 years we would have broke...
This song was recently played on a satelite radio station I listen to and played while I drove 11 hours home from Calgary, where I left my daughter and husband a few weeks ago. After I cried, I was dying to hear it again and again...so I could seat dance...you know the I am driving but LOVING my music. Tonight I finally remembered to download it to my phone, and thought I had to share, this month has had so many ups and downs and possibliy a HUGE up we will see next week that, this song is truly this months theme....
 
 


True Believers lyrics
Church bells ringing on our wedding day
Climbed in that limo and rode away
Guess you'll always hear some people say
They're never gonna make it.

We settled in and we settled down
In this quiet little seaside town
You were the rock I built my world around
And life won't ever break it

We are one heartbeat in the darkness
We are one lasting answered prayer
We are one unbroken promise
We are two, True Believers

It wasn't easy getting here today
Sometimes you stumbled or I lost my way
But every roadblock was a chance to say;
Take my hand I'm here beside you.

We worked and made it through the toughest parts
[ From : http://www.elyrics.net/read/d/darius-rucker-lyrics/true-believers-lyrics.html ]
Now every days another chance to start,
To look around and see that where we are
Is where we were trying to get to

We are one heartbeat in the darkness
We are one lasting answered prayer
We are one unbroken promise
We are two, True Believers

We are one before our God in Heaven
We are one road when the going gets rough
We are one now and forever
We are one name, one life, one flame

We are one heartbeat in the darkness
We are one lasting answered prayer
We are one unbroken promise
and We are two, True Believers

We are two, True Believers

Friday, September 21, 2012

A letter to my youngest daughter....

Dear Emelina,

Oh how we miss you...you are in my thoughts EVERY DAY. Last month we sent off some balloons to you to let you know how much we miss you. Cat and I also spent some time looking through the very very few pictures we have you. Thankful for every one of them, my only wish is that I had more then just photos to remember you...








 
 
With love,
 
Mom, Dad and Big Sister Cat

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Time

All I seem to have is time....Last week we moved my daughter out to Alberta to live with my husband while I stay back and await for the sale of the house as well as continue to grow in my role so it is easier to make a lateral move. Being alone is something I never have been...honestly I have NEVER lived on my own and silly me cut cable so it has been an adjustment. I have learnt that I am slowly slowly getting back to my old social ways....meaning dear friends you may get sick of me as I am going to be reaching out for "dates". I miss my hubby,  big girl and Mad Dog, but they are all having so much fun that, as much as I miss them it thrills me that they are enjoying themselves. We have struggled with me not being involved in the planning of things like activities and dealing with the School....as those are "MY" roles but with some guidance my husband has done well.  In 23 days I get to spend the weekend with them and a packed weekend of family it will be.

Now were am I with the grief side of things....well, I cry less, and I feel like I am getting some "normal" back into it...you see all summer long I was ANGRY at what I had lost...a summer with my family as the focus not my job. That is what I had planned the summer to be and instead I was in tears working WAY, WAY too many nights and not happy. But once September hit it seems like the weight has lessened...part of the reason is I had always considered going back to work in September if the role/position was one I wanted...

I am not happy still but what I am is OKAY...I am finally allowing myself to simply be OKAY....I said to my friend J, last night that I am allowing myself to be okay with the grief, to be okay with hard days and most importantly that it is OKAY for me to just be....sometimes we spend to much time worrying about what others think, say or what we think we should BE. When honestly we need to just BE.


I read an amazing email yesterday that made me think about a few things I had already decided, here was the email:



From celebration to devastation, who can you call at 2am? So, who can you call? For most of us, the list of "who" will be a very short one.

: Who's the first person you'd call if you landed the job, won the award, found out you were preggers,
got the news that you qualified?
: Who would you bring if you got five front row seats to see your favouri
te rock star?
: Who's your "In Case of Emergency" contact?
: Who could write your obituary?
: Who knows how you take your coffee or could order for you at a restaurant?
: Who'll drive you there--and back?
: Who's seen you do the Ugly Cry?
: Where can you show up without calling?

Who can you call at 2 a.m.?

Treasured, indispensable, no matter what, sacred circle.
 
The person I thought of was my husband...which should tell you how strong our relationship is...and honestly when I won a cruise 3 years ago with my bank, he totally was the first person then I announced it on facebook :-).... It made me think about the people in my life and how 6 months ago things would have been different...some are still there but others are not...The ones that are still there are the ones who with my family leaving have reached out by email, text or in person to support me and have simply made me a priority in there busy busy lives. A few of them I have just let simple decided on to foster any more with them. One friend I simply don't know were to go with her...Honestly why am I "friends" with someone that drives me crazy and I dislike spending time with...or complains about EVERYTHING under the sun all the time...I get as friends we support and it is OKAY to have problems with our children, marriage etc...BUT OWN your problem and find a solution or SHUT UP it should not be the same complaint for the past 2 years. I know strongly worded but that is where I am. Life taught me on February 20th that,no matter how "good" someone is life HAPPENS and it is not always good but it can and will make you STRONGER, it will strengthen good relationships but it can also show which ones are week. This email just confirmed that my friends: S, J, G, and K are those I appreciate the most...

Now on to some humor the only person that can order for me at BP is S...we go way too often and we both get the same items time after time...HAHA she is the only one other then my hubby who gets my TEA order right...but that comes with working together for 2 years next to Tim's. Anyone of them will drive be there or back as long as it is not ALBERTA :-). J always has room for me in her schedule and dinner.... she is honestly one of the best cooks...yummy

I also want to give a HUGE, HUGE acknowledgement  to my boss, she is truly one of the best women, boss, mentor and friend. She constantly provides a shoulder for me whether or not I need it and best of all she is someone who has touched my life in so many professional and personal ways.

Going forward I am going to TREASURE the WOMEN and MEN in my life that are truly worth it and not worry about the rest. Reminding myself that saying NO to requests is sometimes the best thing for me....because this is what is truly the most important people to me......






 
 

Friday, August 24, 2012

Family Pictures



 Take a AMAZING farm in Greendale, a fantasticly talented Photographer and....................................




These are the RESULTS:

 
        
 



  




Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Week 26 of this journey also known as MONTH 6

How has this journey only been 6 months.....

6 months ago I had no idea that I would my nightmare start.....

I have such a great sadness I have no words to explain how simply unhappy I am...I try hard every day to see the light but honestly the light I do see is so little. I LOVE my job but the rest of my life is over shadowed by the sadness....even after a day a year ago I would have rated as one of my best summer days....just does not mean anything as when I come home I am reminded that my life is WRONG...

This is not the only place I struggle.... I struggle with the fact that I LOVE my job but I honestly don't want to work anymore...I am a planner and being able to accept my new route in life has been the toughest piece...My friends whom I had "plans" with are forgetting about me once again because I have to work....THIS was the SUMMER I was going to be off and free...hitting up my gf cabin, a trip to my favorite lake, a week at this one.....ALL CANCELLED because I have to work...and they do not.  I also find I am much much more sensitive with things like I have never been.

One example has been rethinking my friendship....I have a gf whom has a cabin and for the past 6 years they say to us " You guys should come up...in the past with my work it has never worked but other friends of ours they move it around so they can...that is okay...last year it bugged me HUGELY but I thought I need to grow up this year we tried to in June but she said it won't work okay no big deal, we will do it in August....June comes and goes, July comes and goes no further mention...this past week I am at there house and what to I see the weekend I suggested we all go up they are there with another group....no invite nothing....honestly I cried all the way home....why is it I matter so little to people that no one keeps there word to me....the other reason I cried was Cat had been asking when our turn to go up was??? Explain that one to a 7 year old.... I lied and said it wasn't going to work this year and turned the conversation to something else.

Many of my friends have left I have a few check in....email, text, dinner date...I knew that this was going to happen it is just hard as this is the time 6 months later...when I feel like an island without the way to get off it I need them. The ones I have are why I can still get up in the morning and face the day. I feel feel like on top of my grieving my daughter I grieve for the loss of my friends. I know that it does not help the my husband is gone to Alberta leaving me with alot to do and no time to deal with the emotions that are coming with that. I miss him but also know that this move is probably for the best and honestly our true friendships will continue.

Some bright spots are my FANTASTIC family at work that make me laugh, and make going to work everyday the one area, I am not stressed, I am LOVE the challenges that I am presented and know the without that.  My AMAZING neighbour that does anything I ask and has really been my back support and MY MOST AMAZING friend J and her husband....truly I have no idea what Cat and I would have been eating for dinner this summer, one evening at their home a week has been the sanity I have needed to get me through my week. Cat loves going to visit and I get a huge emotional support meeting that I need. She validates everything I feel.



 
 
 
 
Six Months.....our love is no less, the pain is no less, the tears are less....
but our heart is still broken....Missing you!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Comfort....

Some quotes that I am focusing on to get me through the trails of the past of the last few weeks. and the next few...


The period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one’s life. Through a difficult period you can learn, you can develop inner strength, determination, and courage to face the problems – Dalai Lama





Too many people miss the silver lining
because they're expecting gold.
(Maurice Setter)


Photography Done by  Revival Arts http://revivalartsstudio.com/


Thursday, August 2, 2012

9 years today.....

Was the day I said.........

" I DO"On August 2, 2003 Mariusz and I said our vows ... "to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part".... We could have never expected that 9 years forward we would dealing the loss of our youngest daughter, Emelina.
Maiusz without your LOVE, support and amazing dedication I know that I wouldn't be able to walk this journey we have been given. You are the BEST husband, father, friend and lover I could have ever dreamed of...Thank you for loving me! Some Pictures of us over the last 7 years...the rest on dvd and in storage.






Our Wedding Song:



Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Meltdowns, friendship and Loneliness....

A Sweet Visitor on our Vacation Earlier this month...
This month has been a month of meltdowns at least once a week and today it has been a day of plan sadness...the day started off with so much promise and by 400 pm the sadness was all I could think of...My younger cousin became a first time dad today to a baby girl....and that I think has been the heaviest on my mind and in the fact that I am really feeling alone.   To me it seems as if everyone one around me is going away and I feel at a lost of what to do.... I have 3 days off and before it would be full full full...now not so much I have tomorrow off but honestly I would rather just curl up in bed and go to bed then do anything...I hate that my favorite summer season and for the most part I am so depressed that just to be going to work seems to be the most I can manage some days. Feeling completely helpless is driving me crazy...not sure were to go anymore,  my husband is pushing me to see a grief councilor but I am not sure if that is even necessary...how are they going to make me less sad...I have been told by other women that the sadness NEVER goes away just gets less. I am so beyond overwhelmed and to top it off I am worried about becoming pregnant as I am not sure if I can go though it I thought I could but honestly I have no idea if we can go though another loss...and there is no guarantee they can just mediate it. I thought I could do it but now as time continues I wonder if I want to even go there and with me not being able to make up my mind it is adding as I am a planner and for the past 5 months my planning has been so hard for me to deal with. I had  my summer planned out how were going to hit the beach at least 2x a week some long weekend camping trips just enjoying my time with Cat and Emelina..instead I sit here at lost...

After a week with out my boss I was thrilled to have her back, for the first time EVER I really missed my boss while she was away. I have LOVED my previous two female boss' but the one I have right now simply makes me feel so lucky to get to work with her, she is just someone I know once I leave  and I know I will be :-( ....I will truly truly miss her friendship. As I think  about it I have been blessed to have a good relationship with my last boss too she checks in on me regularly and I know she is only a call away...Such a relief when I was worried originally about coming back.

I am constantly amazed at the women that surround me on a regular basis with offers of dinner, coffee, a quick email and most importantly the constant reminders that they are here to listen. I am still feeling alone in grieving as everyone's life including my husbands lives have moved forward and here I am stuck wondering when I will actually start moving forward and not backwards which is what July has felt like...




A family picture taken this past weekend..